2011

So 2010 is over. 2011 begins... I want to feel happy and expectant... but all i feel is sad and gloomy. It wsa a lonely Christmas... and it's gonna be a lonely 31st night. I can't be with the one i want to be with when the clok strikes 12. so that just feels like a great way to start the new year. (sarky laugh)

I'm so lonely broken angel, im so lonely listen to my heart....

Sometimes...

Fuck Love, Sometimes I get tired of trying...

Arash ft. Helena - Broken Angel هلنا آرش

So wierd...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me men... Im in like such a lousy mood these days. Im feeling so down and depressed. I love christmas, but this christmas sucks! What christmas with all the crap going on at home... Didn't even put up the tree this time. I didn't even bother to buy anyone presents. One reason being im too broke to do so.. and the other is that... whats the point...?

I just feel like crying men.. I wanna have a good cry. I just feel so tired sometimes. Like what's the point of everything... It's a sure lonely depressing christmas this year. sigh... Maybe i'll be like Mr Bean and buy myself a gift and wrap it up.. and write myself some xmas cards and slip it under my door... lol... yeah.. that sounds like a sad plan.

whatever... It's just christmas. It's Christmas dammit!

What the bloody fuck!!!

Argh!!!

I wish i didn't feel anything when he said that he was going xmas shoppin with wife and baby... wish my heart wasn't so sensitive to things like that. There are moments.. when things just hurt. And even though i know that there's nothing to do about it... i cannot stop the pain from hitting me full force.

I hardly texted him today. What to say ne..? Can i ask...' so hows the shopping going? what did you buy your wife?' Yeah right. Sigh.... I accept that she exists.. but still things hurt me.. that's a fact.

Damn but i miss him. But im not gonna text him or call him. If he wants to contact me then let him. Dum-di-dum di dum...!

Fuck love... sometimes i get tired of trying.

Lonesome

Hmmmm... Im feeling a bit lonely today. :( life. Anyways, im at my mom s place babysittin my sis for a few days... :/ and im missin my nice cool bed at batta. Sigh....

Coobaby s been busy all day shifting house... So i've hardly heard a peap outta him all day. Anyways... Me spent my whole day jst lazin in bed... And i can't underdtand how it is i can still bee so sleepy..
Hmmmm miss him. Gosh i realy wish i had a nice long vacation to look forward to. Which i dont sadly. Sighhhhh.....

Tired

Soooooooooooo tired. Work work and more work. I need another vacation. And I need it fast.

To make things even better... my immediate familly is having a war with my mom and step dad. I mean.... do they even know what all these fights and arguments are about..?? Sometimes adults are sooo crazy. They fight and argue about the dumbest things.

Wish things can go back to being they way they were with my familly. Im fed up of all this arguments. Thank God i don't live at home anymore. God sure is great and merciful.

Me miss my Coobaby. He's still at work. :(

Alright :)

Phew.. so all is well. Coo didn't take it in a bad way. He didn't leave me or anything. In fact.. he's being a bit more loving since then. Like txting and IM'ing me and all. Guess he's missin me.

We'r working thru things... giving each other space and not expecting too much in return.

Lets see how this goes...

Haiyoooo..!!

Why the fuck cac't i lie for once. Today coo asked me if i'd kissed anyone else. To tell him, he promised he wouldn't get mad. So well, me being the honest strait forward person that i am (unfortunately).. said 'yes'... id kissed ____ at this place... when i was really really drunk. (here im refering to ____'s brother).

No reply since then. Either he has fallen asleep before he saw my reply, or he's once again too upset to reply or answer my calls.

God please help me..!! I don't want to base my life on a bunch of lies... Especailly i can't lie to him.. So PLEASE... please don't take him away from me again.
:'(

But if he wants to go... well then that's the way it is. HE's a free man.

Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!... This is what they call having a past that comes back to haunt huh.. Fuck!!

What now?

He came back. I went back. Whichever way you look at it.

Now i'm wondering if i was better off when he was not there. Sure i missed him like crazy. But I had forgotten all the other feelings. I had fogotten the jealousy i felt when he was around other women, I had forgotten how insecure i felt when he was not with me, I had forgotten those feelings of mistrust. I hate all these feelings. I hate the fact that he takes forever to reply to a msg, if it's a msg he doesnt like, or doesnt want to answer to.

I hate so many feelings that he brings out in me.. . Is it worth it..?

All those good times and feelings.. are they worth the constatnt bad feelings?? Moments like that when i'm with him im the happiest i can be?  While we are sleeping he reaches out to me and just hugs me close..? That he makes me laugh..? He says he is lost. But I think im more lost than he is.

I broke the trust he had in me... and now even tho he's back in my life, it feels different. It feels like he's distancing himself from me. And the only time i have all his attention, the only time he lets down his gaurd, and the only time i can get close to him is when we're together, which is rare. Which is what drives me most crazy.

I feel i should have just stayed away. True, being without him was driving me crazy. But I know, i would have moved on. True, i was going a bit wild, but i would have calmed down.

Now im back in that fucking emotional place, where trust and patience is overrated and hard to come by.

I love him. I know he loves me still too. I feel it everytime he touches me, or pulls me close to him. I feel it in every kiss. In the way he rests his head on my chest and hugs me close... I know he loves me. No-one can pretend that good or bother to go to that much trouble to pretend.

If only he'd reply to his fuckin msgs, if only he'd make more time for me. I would be just happy. That's all i ever asked from him ( everytime we fought) and that's all he doesnt give me.

Coobaby you drive me crazy in more ways than one. Argh!!

And here He comes...

So Coo IM's me yesterday... saying, 'Baibeeboo'.

I nearly die.

There ensues a conversation abt the past, how he misses me... Torture. What does he want me to do....?? I dont know.

I dont know.

Just when I think im getting better... he comes around and reminds me just how much i love him. Just how much I miss him... And the pain starts all over again.

Tell me babes, tell me what is wrong with you and me. Why cant we let go of each other...??

I need you.

Argh..!!

I miss him...!!!! Whyyyyyyyyyyy???!!! #$%^%^^%&$@$%#

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Why am i missing you so much today Coo.....?? Sigh...

Bored

I've been at home all these days... and oh my gosh.. i've actually been so busy. And well... lifes kinda interesting these days. I mean He knows the deal... no sex. So if he still wants to hang ut with me.. well that's cool. He's different to my usual type anyways. Not the bad boy type... but certainly has a way with words. :) He seems like a nice guy. But i'm not looking to get married to him or anything. Not..!

 I realised that lately the guys i dated... have always been good at expressin themselves... most of the time.. but not when it really matters.

Life is funny like that.

Still miss you Coobaby. But atleast I've been able to sleep these last few days. Guess being on leave, away from you and work has helped. So has Mr X (the name of new guy).

Things are certainly looking up. Thanks God for best friends and new friends. :)

OMG..!!!

Lasy night was such a crazy, fun, fucked up night....!! I mean WTF was wrong with me?? 1st we're drinking at the office thing, then we're all dancing like crazy... well atleast I was dancing like crazy... and then we go to clancy's... drink somemore... and there also Im dancing like a woman possessed... and dancing with my ex-boss... and then im dancing with his bro... and then theres this other guy, one of coo's pals who was hitting on me... and then there was another guy in my dept (who's a really nice sweet guy) who likes me and was trying his damdest to hit on me, but who i dont want to mess with cos i value his friendship.. and he get upset cos im dancing with everyone else other than him...

Then to top it all off... My ex sms's me commenting on my dancing. Mind you, at this point im sooooo high i cant even walk strait... so it doesnt really have any impact on me. Then on my way to the washroom i see him and just wave and say 'hi' while passing by. When i come back to out booth... just seated and chatting to ex-bosses bro... he kisses me.. and i kiss him back..... yeah. Wierd. And then some other guy in my dept gets all wound up cos he thinks im being abused or some shit and tries to pull up a fight.. dramaaaaa....

Then i get a another sms from my poor ex who witnessed the kiss... haiyo... that also just doesnt really register. Until 6am next day morning... and im like... WTF WTF...!!! And i feel so bad for him... cos i can imagine how much seeing that would have hurt his feeling.... but wat to do. Im not the girl i used to be. And right now... i dont wanna be that girl.

The good faithful girl is on her way out... maybe she'll come back when she finds a guy who touches her heart again. Somehow.. i realised one thing. I'll always be in love with Coo. He has my heart.

Im one person who seems to always take the longest route in discovering myself. Impulsive to the core. Sigh...

Im becomming a bit of a player. A strait forward player. I dont hide shit from noone. A Player to a certain extent. Not goin as far as to have sex with anyone (a/p my new recent policy where i wont have sex with any guy unless it's the guy im gonna marry). But exclusive to no-one right now.

Is what im doing or the direction im heading in the correct path... maybe not. But i'll deal with my shit in the way i know how. Thank you very much.

Life's a bitch boys... didn't you know that.

This heart of mine belongs exclusively to you Coobaby. The rest of me... I dont really give a damn.

Just great!

I am not well. :( Guess all the emotional drama would have to result in something huh. I should have known it would trigger my gartritis. And I don't mean the normal thing. What i get is usually a pain which leaves me literally unable to move.

Sigh. What to do. I've got this before. I know the drill.. 3 days and i'll be good to go.

In the meantime.. i'm at home.. immobile in a sense... with nothing but my thoughts to keep me occupied. Not the best company.. but hey.. what the hell.

And atleast i've found 2 new people to flirt with. Soemthing intersting going on there atleast. heeheheh...

Still missing Coo like crazy. Today is Lilcoo's birthday. Miss the little fellow too. Hope he's doing ok. :(

Hmmmmm....

So im like on leave these days... Sooo much time to my hands. Yuck. Anyways, i got around to cleaning my room today... did some shopping... busted a whole lot of cash... the usual.

Did he cross my mind today...? yes he did.
Did i miss him today? yes i did.
How many times did i look at his profile today? Only once for the last 2 days. (im soooo proud of myself)

Oh.. and im gonna get a few more tattoos... :) Yes..!!! Im hoping to get like 3 more... so cross my fingers hoping the price will be right... so that i can get all 3. Can't wait!!!

And yesterday, i bought the most prettiest, sexiest dress to wear to my  previous officer's wedding. I mean, I definitely know im gonna be the hottest lady there... heeehehehehe... Just need to find the perfect matching shoes now. Sighhhhh...

I hope Coo & wife are not invited for the wedding. Hmph! Well, even if they are... no biggie.

Tired

I'm sooooooooo effing tired right now. I mean really really tired. I saw the wife today at the office thing. I was like 'why?? why did she have to come for this??' argh!

I miss you babes. :'(

All the 'why's and 'if's are in my head... sigh. She looked so pretty as usual.

Please heart of mine, stop hurting. He's not worth it ne.

Lost

Last night I went to Sopranos... The last time i went there i went with Coo. I remember how he was with me, even tho he was like bored outta his mind and falling asleep literally. lol. I remembered how he kept his arm around me, and was standing close by while i sang... I remembered.

I miss you Coobaby. I really miss you. Everywhere i go there are memories of you and me... they haunt me.

Loving you 'was' heaven, missing you 'IS' hell...

Random

Yesterday, Nov 18, was Coo's B'day. I send him a very normal friendly wish via a FB msg. Which he thanked me for today.... surprise surprise.. by commin online on msn. But that was it. Thank you for the B'day wish. No bye. and he signs out.

Argggh...!!

Funnily, he hasnt changed his msn display name. But knowing him.... it wont be long before thats also gone. Not that it should matter to me... but well... I dont know. He'll take away everything that reminds me of him. I'm not sure if thats for my benefit or for his benefit.

It's been 10 awful days now. 10 DAYS! 10 long days of heartache. 10 days of missing him. 10 days of hardly any sleep. 10 days of not knowing how Lilcoo is. 10 days of not being able to tell him to giv Lilcoo a kiss from me. 10 days of no texts from him. 10 days of not hearing his voice. 10 days of not hearing him walk into my house. 10 days of hell.... pure hell.

And yet, life does go on. As i've said before, thank God for great friends.

Well... this relationship had to end sometime right. Guess now is that time.
Coobaby I miss you.

~M2M~The Day You Went Away~Official Video~ "in HD"

Bored... :(

I'm at home today and im bored to tears.... I mean really really bored.

Trying to keep my thought away... not really succeeding there... but well whats new.

Went to Commons with the dept last night, ate till i couldnt breathe. Came home looking forward to sleep... but the moment i entered my home and got into bed... sleep as usual was impossible. When i finally dropped off to sleep, kept waking up every few hours. Finally i just got up at arounf 5.30am. Sigh... when is this going to end...? I can't sleep in my own house cos of the memories. I can't do anything. Get outta my head!!!!!!

Maybe i sould get a new bed.... Better yet... Why dont i just shift house...?? :'(

I have a weekend ahead of me... which i can't imagine getting thru...

Sigh...

My friends say I should let you go.
They say I should move on.
I'm waiting for the day when I will wake up and not miss you.
I'm waiting for the night when I won't cry myself to sleep.
But each moment I'm without you, I keep falling to peices.
I never meant to fall in love with you.
I never wanted to let you in to my heart.
But you swept in, with your charm and your smile and your crazy ways...
You broke down all my defences.
You were like the drug that I got addicted to,
The heat in my viens, the blood pumping in my heart.
And now without you I feel paralised.
Without your smile I feel like crying.
Without your charm I see the world thru sad eyes.
Without your crazy jokes I can't find a reason to laugh...
I miss you.
I feel like my heart is failing under the effort it's under.
I've gone numb.
I'm trying to find my way, but I'm lost.
My friends are trying, but they cannot revive me.
I'm losing my hold on my life.
It's slipping away, like sand between my fingers.
I'm giving up.
I'm trying to be strong, but I can't deal anymore.
I miss you.
People may laugh at me saying I deserve what I got.
Falling in love with a married guy.
I really don't care.
They never experienced the moments we shared, the jokes, the tears.
The passion.
Love, you have destroyed everything I tried so hard to protect in me.
How can there still be tears left in me that I cry over you?
Sigh...

I Don't Understand you

I see you have blocked me from viewin your FB wall. I don't understand why you would do do somethin like that...? Do you have to hurt me so much? Are you trying to kill me?

All those times you told me that you truly loved me... you couldn't have been lying. You said that my face would always be painted on your Heart... you couldn't have been lying...Why are you doin this. Why are you tryin to hurt me...?

I dont think i can bear this anymore... Please stop hurting me. Please stop!

Don't make me cry babe

I feel like I'm dying... There are moments when I feel like I can go on. And then, there are moments like this.. when I feel like somebody has ripped something out of me. I feel like there's nothing worth living for. And I see you going on with your life, as if nothing happened, as if nothing has affected you... and I hurt even more. How can I go on like this?

I need you!! Dammit! I want to see you smile at me again. I want to see you walk towards me. I want to see a txt msg from you on my phone. I want to feel your arms around me...

Get these memories out of my head. I feel like I'm going insane!!! I can't bear this. I can't bear that I might have meant nothing to him... When I thought he really loved me.

Don't make me cry babe.... I'm sorry about what I did... I truely am. Wish i could take it back. I wish...

Please God, help me bear this hurt. It just hurts so much.

Killer Memories

Memories can be such a killer. I mean, a simple memory can flood us with so much feeling... it's unbelievable.

I keep remembering, certain moments this past few months, which made me so happy. I mean... those moments were simply priceless. And still, they are some of the most precious memories which i hold close to my heart.

Is it possible for someone to change instantaneously...? Can people just suddenly change their mind or the way they feel...?

Coobaby I do miss you very much. No matter how many cute guys i meet or like... I'll never ever forget you.

Yummmmyyyyyy!!

OMG.. He's so sexy!!! LOL..

Yay!!

Today, I've had, pretty mucn the bestest day i've had in a very very very long time. I spent today watchin a movie with my best pal, then went fot lunch, went with her hubby-to-be to see a photography exibition, then for coffee.. had such a good day for once. Thanks God for good friends. :)

Oh Oh...! And i saw this good-looking guy.. ;) And for once, something i thought would never happen happened. I felt a connection! Yes..!! I know i couldn't believe my ... feelings..!! :D I mean he was cute.. and had this cuteee smile.. lol... I was like... "ohhhhhhh I likessss!!!' hehehehehehe...

What an awesome day!!!

Funny shit!!

All said and done... I still miss the bloody fool!

I still love him.

Arrghh.. get outta my head!! get outta my heart!!! Why do i love you when u dont love me...? Whyyyyyyy....?

Arsehole!!

Okay.. so i kissed a guy...! big fucking deal...! Is he bloody saint S****...? I hopes he goes and jumps in a well. Good riddance to bad rubbish!!!

Motherfucking arsehole...!!!! Arggggghhhh!!!!

I mean who the fuck does he think he is huh...? He gives Me silent treatment... Bloody big shot nah. Already forgotten the only girl who was there for him, who talked to him when he needed someone, who listened to his problems, who loved him and who dealt with shit.. for him...!! Thats what i get for being too fucking good to someone who never appreciated it.

Im not even sending him dramatic txts. Im not even calling him. Im not even putting dramatic fb status updates. But he cant reply to a simple IM wher i ask him to let me knw if he got his cap back...?? I mean wat is up wit that...? Geez... he's behaving like a immature baby...!!!! Get over it mann...!!
Screw you S****...!!!

My childhood prayer

When I was small and whenever I was scared... I would sing this small chorus to myself.

Jesus bids us shine,
with a clear pure light.
Like a candle burning, Burning in the night.
In this world of darkness, we might shine.
You in your small corner, and I in mine.

God always makes things right. He's always there for me. Always will be.

Re note to Self

You know what.. I think I feel better. Im getting better. Im strong. Just need to dig deep inside to find my strenth. Thank God.

I am right. I deserve better. And since the moment I believed it, I've been feeling so much more stronger. Sure I miss him. Sure he's on my mind all the fucking time. But the memory of him does not reduce me to tears anymore. Atleast i dont let myself be reduced to tears.

Any man who's fool enough to let me go.. is a totall dumass idiot. His loss.

Im young, im single, im hot. I don't have to run behind anyone. Never did, don't see why i should start now.

Take care Coobaby. You should know that I take shit from noone.

There comes a time when you just need to say goodbye and let go.

Note to Self

I deserve better! He has no right to punish me like this. Were we in a relationship hmmm? Isn't he the one who said that he has no right to hold me, that i can do what i want. Bloody hipocrit.

Does he think any of the other women who wanted to fuck him would give a damn about him... would they care about anything but the fact that he spends on them and shows them a good time.

Does he think he's being fucking faithful to me? He being married and all. Maybe now he might have some inclination of how much torture i go thru on a daily basis seeing him with someone else. No matter how platonic that relationship may be.

You know what Coo... I understand that ur trying to punish me. That's what ur doing. Well im not goin to let you punish me. True i made a mistake. But don't we all...? You're no saint either.

So im not gonna run behind you, or come crawling back for you to take me back. If you want me back and value me, then let me know. Otherwise just forget it! Forget 'Us'. Go back to ur life, and ur foriegn pals and ur player days.

I'm not going to let myself go through all this pain dammit! Bloody get off ur almighty high horse ur on! Or go screw urself.. since all the love i showed u means nothing to u!!

Im done.

Days that seem like years

What a painful 2 days it has been. I've been on auto-pilot. Just going thru the motions of my daily tasks. Im missing him with every breath i take. He's in every thought that crosses my mind.

I know that time will heal this wound of mine. I know that God will help me ease the pain. It's just sooo hard right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so helpless and alone. Every memory of us together tortures me. All the songs on the radio, even the roads i travel on.. it all reminds me of him. I miss him so much.

This may sound all corny.. but I love him so much. And maybe he never really loved me.. I dont know. All i know is I gave my love freely, I gave it all. With no reservation. No holding back. I literaly bared my soul to him. And now he's gone.

Maybe it's for the best. I just wish... wish he would atleast talk to me. After all the love i gave... he's going to hold this mistake against me, and not even talk to me or look at me..? Why? How can he hate me so much..?

Coobear

I have no reason to live without you Coobear.

Take my money. Take my furniture, take away everything. I dont want them. I can't live like this. I can't. I can't!!

Im trying but i can't!!! Cos everything, every moment, every thought, every memory hurts and hurts and hurts!!! I never knew how something could hurt soo much..

What happened to me? Where did I lose my will..? Why did i lose my heart?

I just want it all to end. Please God make it end. Please... I don't care anymore. I dont care!!!

I don't want my life!! I have no use for it. I don't need it! Nobody else needs it or would miss it either. So take it away...!! I dont want it!

Coo's gone!!!! He's not comming back this time and it's all my fucking fault!
Im so tired. So tired. God please make it end.. please...

Temporary bye to FB

Too many Q's in my mind... So i deactivated the FB account. It's temporary... I don't need these things on my mind. I really don't wanna know, i don't wanna care... and i really really don't need the drama.
Friday Nov. 5th 2010.

Im really tired. Really really really tired.

:(

I miss you.

Love

If this is how much he LOVES me....

It makes me wonder...

And it hurts...

Today, Nov 3rd, has been the worst day ever. I can't believe Coo hasnt responded to my FB msgs. In fact, he hasnt contacted me the whole day. Not one single txt. Not one single call. Nothing. It's like he died. And I died with him.

I cant bear this.

Deuces... Altered...

All that bullshit's for the birds
You aint nothin but a vulture
Always hopin for the worst
Waiting for me to fuck up
You’ll regret the day when I find another guy, yeah
Who knows just what I need, he'll knows just what I mean
When I tell him keep it drama free

Ohohohohohohohoh…
I told you that im leaving
I know you mad but so what?
I wish you best of luck
And now im finna throw them deuces up

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to him
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to him

Uh, Use to be valentines
Together all the time
Thought it was true love, but you know men lie
Its like I sent my love with a text two times
Call cause I care but I aint gettin no reply
Tryna see eye to eye but its like we both blind
Fuck it lets hit the club, i rarely sip but pour me some
Cause when its all said and done,
I aint gon be the one that he can always run to

I hate liars, fuck love Im tired of tryin
My heart big but it beat quiet
I don’t never feel like we vibin
Cause every time we alone its a awkward silence

So leave your keys on the kitchen counter
And gimme back that ruby ring with the big diamond
Shit is over, whatchu trippin for?
I don’t wanna have to let you go
But baby I think its better if I let you know

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to him
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to him

Look, my shorty always on some bullshit like Chicago
So I flip that middle finger and the index finger follow
Deuces, we aint got no future in tomorrow
I’m a chick, so it shouldn’t be that hard to swallow
The other guy Im with never complain
He make wanna leave the one im with Usher Raymond
Probably didn’t register, don’t trip, later on it will
Shorty full of drama like gangsta grizzles

I finally noticed it, it finally hit me
Like Tina did Ike in the limo, it finally hit me
I got a new guy, and he aint you
He paula patton thick he give me déjà vu
And all that attitude, I don’t care bout it
But all that shit I do for him, you gon hear bout it
Breezy rep two up, two down
But im just puttin two up, chuckin up the deuce now

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to him
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to him

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to wake up, every day in the morning. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could continue living in my dreams: without the glaring brightness of reality.

I'm enjoying being at home these days. Not that it's a very happy experience, but for the simple matter that I like to be home alone and just basically laze around.

I hardly got any txts from anyone today. Not even from people who proclaim to love me. hahaha... funny shit. Guess everybody is just too fucking busy right. Work work work. That's the way the world turns. Too bad these people are too immature to realise that they would not like it if somebody gave them the same kinda treatment. They expect all the love and attention... but they don't know how to give it. What can I possibly say... 'screw that shit!'.

I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving. I'm tired of getting angry, of getting my feelings hurt. I'm just soooo bloody fucking tired of everything in my bloody fucking life...! Just very tired. Sigh... I wish God would listen to my prayers, and take the pain away by letting me die or something. Sighh. So tired. Soo fed-up. I'm tired of pretending, of putting a smile on my face for everyone to see... when i'm dying inside. and nobody really knows or really gives a shit anyways.
:'(

If anybody asked me, when i was a kid, what my biggest wish was, i would have said without hesitation "to die". That wish is still the same. Some wishes in life don't change.

Please give me something to numb the pain. Anything.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder... What is Love...? Don't you wish you had a gadget or something from which we could measure if someone loves us truely..? What a laugh life is... what a joke!

I hate my weekends sometimes... I used to love weekends. They used to be so happening. Weekends used to make me happy. Now it just makes me sad.

Last night Coo chose to stay at a stupid beech party than come be with me... irrespecive of where I was going... Does it really matter...? I mean he should want to be with me. He should, for once, do something for me that would make me happy.
And he dissapointed me so much last night. So dissapointed with the way he went about things. I felt so alone. So fucking alone. I didn't have any choice but to stay with Amy and them... If not i would have just come home. I stayed there, with them, cos I wanted to see him, be with him. But i guess i just wasted my time. Cos he was busy, and then he says that he fell asleeep, and that my cell was off... I mean what the fuck??

I missed him so  much. Oh i wish i didn't love him the way i do. My life would be so much more easier. But I do. and that love doesn't seem to get any less. :(

He's Always on my mind... I can't stop thinking about him. Or wanting him, or loving him. I mean, I try to look at other guys and think, 'I should give him a try', or 'isn't he cute...' but then i am reminded of Coo and I think, 'can he dance like Coo?' 'Coo has nicer eyes...' or something like that... and that's it. I am not in the least bit attracted to anyone else. Noone else can make me feel the way i feel for Coo.

Where is this love going to take us. We fight and argue.. and make up.. and break up... so bloody often... yet we keep going back to each other. What kind of love is this? What is this passion we share that drives us crazy? And causes so much trouble at the same time..? What is this bond we seem to have, which we can't seem to break...?

I don't understand his life. I don't understand how he can continue to be with her, continue to go about his life, the mundane things... with her. Even though they don't live together. Isn't he living the ultimate Lie..? I don't know the whole story so I guess i don't have the right to judge. Maybe he loves his wife still, maybe she still loves him too... I wish i knew.. i wish i could analise things... make them fit in to perfect squares.

And amidst it all... I still Love him. :(

Can't Breathe

It's 3 am in the morning and I can't sleep.
I miss having you next to me.
I miss your warmth.
I miss your arms around me.
I miss waking up and putting the coverlet over you.
I miss the sound of your breathing while you sleep
I miss resting my palm on your chest and feeling the beat of your heart.
I miss watching you while you sleep.

I just miss you so much I can't breathe...

You

I miss you.

I know you're too busy to spend time with me. But i want to let you know, that I miss You. Im not txting you cos... what's the point... you're too busy anyways.

So it's just me, myself and I right now. There's no point going anywhere, or being with anyone else, or trying to do anything else... cos i can't get you out of my mind. So im just staying alone at home... wrappen up in my thoughts. In my sadness. Imprisoned by my own heart...

Lost.. as usual... Im very lost.

Pickin up the Peices

When dreams fall apart,
How do you peice them back together again?
When someone breaks your heart,
Who will be able to take away your pain?
When the storm clouds block out the sun,
How will you know when the sun shall shine again?
My life is like the sea...
The rising tide... the ebbing waves... they remind me of me.
I wish those waves would wash away the memories drawn in the sand.
The memories of you and me.

Hmmmm...

So im home, alone, and hungry.
I have a headache, a heartache, and im hungry.
Im bored, at home, and im... hungry.

Did i mention that im hungry? :(

Story of my life

So we go on and on in this romantic tragedy.. which takes up a better part of my thought space in my mind...

So the long weekend is comming up, and my friends have organised to go to Hikka. They asked me and, well, i asked Coota. Coo ddn't obviously sound too trilled about it cos certain persons would also be goin.

How is it, that the thought of leaving him here in Colombo, and me going to hikka can made me feel so lousy? I mean not like staying in colombo would enable me to see him or spend time with him, cos he has things to take care of. Which would anyway make me depressed. At the same time, My heart is just not it when i think about heading down to Hikka with my pals. I feeleven more depressed. I mean, What the hell is wrong with me....?

Wish i could just forget him.. wipe him from my memory. But then.. How can i wipe him from my memory. I Love him. I wouldn't trade anything for the bestest moments i've shared with him.

And then... he goes and behaves like the person i hate him behaving like. The workaholic. I hardly got a txt  from him today. Neither did i get any IM s from him today, unless it was in reply to something i sent. :(
I hate it when he's like that. I miss him. And when he's like that it makes me feel as if he's forgotten me, or can't be bothered with me.
Am i being immature...? Selfish...? Or could it be that he's just really busy and doesn't have the time...?

Sighhh..........

Please someone... rip out my heart, my feelings, my memories... and burn them. Please. Cos while being with him is heaven.. Loving him is hell... Missing him... well.. there's just no words to describe how that feels like.

Life's such a sorry business when u get caught in the tangle of emotions isn't it..

Im sad...

I should know by now not to expect anything from him. I mean... if he says he's gonna come at a certain time.. if its in the afternoon.. add a coulpe of hours, if its in the night add about 30 mins to the ETA.

If he says he's gonna spend the day with me... it ain't going to happen. If he says he meeting me in the morning... he'll come in the afternoon. If he says he's meetiong me in the afternoon.. he'll come in the late evening or night.

Remind me again... No. Don't. Don't remind me.

Promises...

How easy it is to make a promise.... And it's even more easier to break it.
How easy it is to fall in love with someone... When it's the last thing you meant to do.

Why... Do I love Him?

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.



Where does the love end...? How can things ever be over between us? When sometimes it feels like it's hardly begun.

But i have changed... somewhere in the last week.. I've learnt how to deal with certain things. Gone are the times i would ask him 'what he's been up to? Where s he been?' etc.. I mean, i still wonder about those things... but i don't ask him anymore and i try to push those thoughts out of my mind. I think it has something to do with the fact that, I really believe it s none of my effing business. If he wants to tell me I'd be more than happy to know.. but if he doesn't tell me.. well then.. that s that. I keep myself occupied and let him do his thing... and i don't ask him what he's been up to. If for some reason he hurts my feelings or  upsets me... i don't let him know. I say nothing. I put my famous smile.. the smile that hides every feeling in my heart... and pretend that everything is okay. And before all, everything is okay.

Do i love him any less...? No.

But something someone said stuck in my mind. He's not mine. What right do I have to question what he does, when he doesn't belong to me... I tell him everything i do.. because that's just the way I am. I'm transparent and clear as water.  Bu he is not me. And I have accepted him the way he is.

Maybe I'm being stupid again. Maybe I'm being naive and crazy. I don't know. All I know is... I don't want anyone else. I may admire them form a distance... But there isn't anyone who can make me feel alive as much as Coo does. 

I wish I understood things better.. I wish... I wish... So many things.

Has the curtain fallen??

So i spoke to him and we came to the decision that we would just be freinds. OMG... he was so sad... Sometimes i feel so confused. Sometimes i wonder if he does really love me? or is it all a pretense? Friends who know him tell me, If he can lie so well and cover his tracks to the woman he married, what make you think he would think twice about lying to you...? And they do have a point. But then there s a part of me that feels he does care. He does love me. Or is that just me being naive...?

I know he can change things, change the circumstances we're in if he wants. True, it wont be easy, but he can. He just wont. He has his excuses because he's afarid to take that action. He's afriad. He may love me. BUT, He doesn't love me ENOUGH. Not enough to make him want to be with me. It's sad.

All i can say is... I'll trust in God's plan for my life. Cos i don't understand what the hell is going on and where the heck my life is leading to.

His a silly boy, Stupid, silly boy. He's letting go of ME. I know there is NOONE like me. Noone who would understand him or love him the way i do. Of course i would never put up with any shit nonsense from him. I'd kick his ass to the curb. But i love him.

Even tho we are apart now... sometimes it still feels like he's in my life. When i see him, my heart still skips a beat. When i'm angry with him, and he just talks to me.. he can make my anger just dissapear and he calms me down. Noone has ever had that effect on me. But he does. And i know my anger is a force to be recconed with. LOL.

After all the emotoinal drama, after all the times he's left me waiting for him.. how is it still possible tat he's the first things on my mind when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep...?

Will he ever pick me...? Will he ever choose me? Will he ever love me enough to be with just me?

Did he just lie to my face?

Im lost. So lost.
I've lost track of what is a lie and what is not. THe sroties are so confusing. I cant take this anymore.

Loving youi is Heaven, missing you is Hell

I love you.
I miss you.
I need you, more than you know.
:(

Pending Talks...

Yeah... So we are supposed to have this ''Talk''. Hmmmm... and it's supposed to be before sunday. But boy, if he doesn't start talking by sunday... well... somebody gonna get a hurt real bad...
And I don't even mean that in a funny way.

All i can say to myself is, he's a idiot!! He's still growing up. Dammit I feel ancient sometimes compared to him. He has sooo much to experience and understand, human psychology-wise. Sighhh.. what to do. I also go and fall for this idiot nah. I'm also another faaaaking idiot.
Bunch of idiots we all are.

Can someone please knock some sense into him...? Please...?

workaholics!!!

OMG...!!! I hate people who are married to their fucking jobs...!!! Don't they realise that people are more important than their fucking job? What the hell man... arrrgggghhhh!!!!
Im sooo fucking pissed and annoyed and bored out of my mind right now. It's depressing!
Why can't I find myself a decent guy who actually treats me right, who actually has TIME to SPEND with ME...?? ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I just feel like hitting somebody!!!! But there isn't anyone around to hit. I feel like screaming my head off, but i can't cos the landlord might freak out!!!
Remind me again, WHAT THE FUCK am i doing with him....? I mean i could pick any guy to fuck around with, so what am i doing with HIM...??? Why am i being sooooo bloody faithful to him, when the bloody fool doesnt even have time to spare for me...?!!!??!! Nooooo.... He doesnt even have time to reply to a fucking sms. I mean i know he's bogged down with work... but come on!!! How long would it take him to take his phone out and type 'Did u get home babe? sorry im bathing wit wrk, dont be mad, love you'????
Bloody fool!! Idiot!! Arrrgggggggghhhhhh!!

Im a bigger idiot for sticking with him...!! Will somebody just shoot me...? now? please...?!!!!

The bloody fucker doesn't even give a fuck!

Peace reigns at home

Well, atleast one part of my life is peaceful at least, for now. Home life, mom, bro etc... are relatively back to normal. Doesn't mean i'm going to be running back home anytime soon. Hell no! I love my freedom and independence way o much for that. :)

But well, I'm happy to know that things have sorted themselves out between me and my mom.

He won't let me walk away...

How can I go when he askes me to stay?
How can I turn my back on someone when he asks for my understanding?
How can I ignore a friend when he says he has problems...?
How can I?

My Ocean

I think about my life, and i realise, how much i've learned. I've learned from all the relationships i've been in. soo many things.
And i'm still learning. Thru all the hurt and pain... i do believe i'm actuall y getting older and wiser. Funny as that may sound.

I've learned how to handle certain people, how to make relationships work, how to test relationships... soo many things.

But most of all... I've learned how to love. Well i'm still learning. There are so many variations of love. All i'm so luck y to have been loved and to have loved in the strongest possible way.

In this life we live... we place so much weightage on money. But in reality, what we really need in out lives is genuin real unwavering love. And do we get it? very rarely.

Sometimes I feel as if people are growing so cold. So fake. so unreal. Why are we like this. We lose ourselves in this jungle of life and money. Trying to make ourselves happy by hanging on to all the material things. Money, prestige, being married to a rich person even though you may not really love him/her, Since when did we start putting up with less than what we deserve...?

Im not goin to be that person anymore, who settles for less. No. I need, I deserve much much more than this. Much more love, much more care and attention, I need to be the top of his priorities.

It doesnt matter that my love is turning me in to the walking dead. A living zombie. They say time heals all wounds. I know that in time, i will heal somewhat. But oh until such time... how life is goin to hurt.

My Coo

If you know he's not a part of your life,
Could it be that he was never meant to be?
If you can't breathe when you're not with him,
Could it be that his kiss could make you feel alive?
And yet, He cannot see what's right in front of his eyes...
My Love.
Lips that belong to him.
Eyes that see only him.
Hands that want to hold only him,
And a fire that burns only for him.
I could say- Love me. Pick me. Choose me...
But i can't.
How i wish i had that right, But i don't...
I don't.
My Coo, I can't be with you.
I can't imagine my life without you.
And then I miss you......

Falling outta Love and Falling In Love... Which is it...??

It's been soo long since I put down my thoughts. So much has been happening, life has just been whizzin past me... sweeping me in its tide. It's all sooo mind-blowing and all so confusing at the same time.

So, what started out as a fling 3 months ago, has now developed in to something else. That was unexpected and surprising yet i'm loving it. I only wish things were not as complicated as they are right now.

I wish with all my heart that he was free to be with me. I wish that I didn't have to spend my days (and nights) wondering what he was doing...? Who he was with..? Whether there would be any hope of us being together, ever, in the future... And wondering why I let myself fall in love with him.. Why I let down my gaurd and let him in to my heart... Why did I invite all this emotional turmoil and heartache in to my life? Just when I thought I had freed myself from the emotional tangle I was in before.

I know he loves me. That's what he says. And sometimes I believe him. We are fun together. We are crazy. And romantic. And we nearly always spontaniously combust. ;) Yet life has played a cruel joke on us.
He's already commited to someone else and has a life of his own, even tho that life maybe falling apart.

Sooo bloody complicated! I used to be the smart one who used to advise other people on how to deal with things... and look at what I go and get myself into... a situation where I might as well eat my own advise.

I kind of understand now how my ex felt all the times I put him thru certain situations in the past. Not that understanding how he felt makes me want to go back to him, but I understand the pain and the hurt I caused. And I hope with all my heart that someday he will forgive me for it. And I will be able to forgive myself.

How I miss Cuckoo... all the time. Even when he's with me. I'm in pain because I know that he can't be with me always. And that him being able to be with me in the future is such a long shot. But yet I can't seem to leave him. I can't seem to stay away, as he can't seem to stay away from me. I can only hope and pray that there is some sort of happy ending to all this because I don't know how much of this emotional  rollercoaster I can bear. Im only human too. :(

Things at home are falling apart. My mother is still too proud to talk to me. I don't miss living at home, but I miss my familly. I worry about them. About my grand aunts who are getting soo feeble, about my mother and her health, about my younger step sister and the fact that she has no one to relate to except old people... Why is it that I never could have a normal familly life?? It was always messed up. Always.

Love is such a complex web of delicately woven threads. It's dependant and proud and hurtful at times. How I wish I understood it better.

Sometimes the pain is numbed by friends and parties and booz. But it never really goes away. The pain of my mother being too proud to accept me the way I am, the pain of dealing with the pain i've caused to another person, The pain of knowing my bro is suffering in another country- working really hard, the pain i'm going thru each day and each night knowing that I can't be with the person I want to be with, and that everything I do has to be done with the utmost secrecy. I mean what the f***!! When did I sign up for all this turmoil?? When??

We all get lonely in life. We all crave for that one person: who we hope will love us and cherish us for who we are. Someone with whome we can have fun, be crazy, make passionate love to. Someone who you can fight with, and then make up. Someone who will make you laugh, or cry, depending on the situation.
But oh gosh... It's so hard to find that right person. And I dont want to compromise for any less. I don't want to be a person who marries a guy just because everyone was doing it. Or just becuase they didn't want to end up alone.

Why the hell marry if you know that this person doesn't really make you happy. What is the meaning of life, if ALL we do is please others...?

But then reality strikes. I live in Sri Lanka. The country of gossipers and people who are so full of shit.

My heart is on FiRe~~ I'm just not sure how much longer it can take this heat before it burns itself dry.

Knock Knock...Locked Out...

Sooooo... welcome back to the world of Me...!

So well.. since i last wrote... lots of things have been happening. Like, I had this major blow up with my mom, and she has officially kicked me out of the house. Like she seriously told me to find somewher else to live. Hahahah im actually happy about this. Of course im freaked out about the fact of actually having to stand on my own 2 feet.... wow.... no fallback to the home roost. But actually being on my own... wowowowowo...

So anyways... Luckily i have a pal whose angel enough to help me out.

So anyways, Romance wise.... well nothing outrageously new there.... things are still complicated. I mean physically wow.... emotionally messy... but im not goin to get emotionally involved.

Well.. sometimes life takes such a turn... that it leaves me with my head spinning on a axis.

Hit Me.....!!

Arrrrggggghhhhh....!!!!!
Me and my BIG mouth... Please, somebody please stuff my foot in my mouth the next time i open it...


Look at it this way, i can't explain it to C cos he's not really going to understand my reasons for telling my supervisor a few interesting facts about my life. As i see it, when you place your trust in someone, and let that person know that you're entrusting them with an important secret, that person is bound to keep it. Its a matter of honour.


And well, i believe that having a few people who know my secret, can be useful for me, in the event that i need someone to back me up or cover up for me. Nothing in life can be achieved alone. I've learned that much. Someitmes, having a good trust-worthy friend makes all the difference (concerning how much bullshit you can get away with...!)


So anyways, C was literally horrified to know that i had told certain facts to my supervisor. But please, i'm so not going to insult my supervisor by trying to even lie to him. Besides, he's a cool chap.


Anyways, life's been going on as as usual. Sometimes i wonder what the fuck i'm doing with it, but then again, aren't we all wondering that. I mean, career wise i've no complaints as such. But my personal home life is a mess. The more my parents keep pushing and trying to control my life, the more i want my freedom. But parents never realise things like that nah.


Love life is just complicated. It's so hard to trust my heart. He says he loves me. Do i believe him? I don't know. I have experienced true love. My definition of true love has a high bar. Hard to live up to.
I believe he may love me in his own way. But i'm not looking for love. I don't know what i'm looking for. If i'm looking for anything for that matter.


I'm not afraid to be alone. So why?


Ah.. as usual... confused.

Song for the day (it's been doing the rounds in my head) :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6U-TGahwvs

Is it the Rain?

Well, well i'm back. Lots of interesting things have been happening lately. Some good some bad.

So well, remember i mentioned that i asked one of my office pals to come dancing with me... well i changed my mind. I don't want him to come. Looks like he may have feelings of some sort for me. And, i'm totally pissed off with him. The shmuck!!

Anyways, so well saturday was a good day... (wink! wink!) Damn but i have a complicated romance life. Again i ask... why are all the sweet guys, who are also great in bed, and out of it, taken. Why is it that they are eaither bloody married or in a cmmited' relationship....??? Why oh  why....!!!???!!! Arrrggghhhh...!!!!

Oh okayyy... i'm calm. I'm calm... lol.

So ya. Guess Whaaaat..? I cried yesterday. I when to watch the movie 'Kites' and it was soooo sad that i cried. I was so happy i cried.... Which was totally anticlimactic.
And then after the movie... on the way home.... WOw wow wowowowo...

So yes. I came to the conclusion that i'm totally in a big big mess. Emotionally. I'm not sure if i'm just wanting something just because i know i can't have it, or is it because i really want it? Or am i on the rebound? But why does it hurt everytime i'm with him and he answers his cell or replies to a message? Why does it kill me when he's with me and he has to talk to his 'other half' about some mundane thing or another. It kills me. It hurts. And yet i stay. WTF...??

I know in my heart this obviously can't go on like this... There's no future in it - for me. I'd die a thousand times.
And then, he holds my hand and i forget my name, where i am, who i am... and it's all a whirlwind.

I know this is not what i need right now in my life. I don't need these complications. Yet who said all humans were logical creatures. We are suckers for passion and love and excitement. As with everything, i won't regret this. I will relish it while it lasts. And deal with the consequences when the time comes.

'I wish that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars: I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now....'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDHidcdJKiE Or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxraSJzWbt4&feature=related

At home, things are shittier than usual. I'm still technically grounded. I'm seriously comtemplating moving out and getting my own place. What the hell, i'm not a small child anymore to be grounded or have curfews or anything. I'm telling you, all this anger
and feelings is going to get me into trouble.

Oh well thats it for now...
Adios amigos...!!! Untill i catch you all later with more gory updates about my life.
:)

Among many long days...

Its nothing new, that every weekday is just another tiring long long day. Today was just one of those days that seemed to go on and on forever.

Well, we had one of our meetings today, at office. The only good thing about going for these meetings is that i get to meet up with all my pals. And have a nice face to face gossip with the gals/guys.

Hmmmm... so anyways.. we were planning on all going out clubbing one of these days, cos its been ages since we went out anywhere (office crowd). So can't wait till something is organised... cos its always so much fun.

Ahhhhrrrgggg... Why are all the good looking guys taken...?  It's so bloody unfair...! This sucks...! Me and pal were having this conversation about all the guys who can dance and who are cute being already taken...

Whats to be done....

Anyway, moving on to more intersting topics. It seems my 'secret' is now know to my boss.... who promised he would keep it to himself. Which i believe he will.

Hmmm... I'm listening to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3R0RHNHaU4 and its making me soooooo sad... its a strange song. But i like it alot.

I just realised something.... OMG OMG...!
I have NOT shed one single tear since i broke up. I haven't cried. For that or for anything. And i so badly wanna cry... i mean i want to really really cry... but i can't. Do you understand that feeling...? It sucks...!

Not too long ago, a sad song would have made me cry, a sad movie, a sad story, even a happy story.. would have brought tears to my eyes. Now nothing makes me cry. Nothing. If anybody raised their voice to me it would bring tears to my eyes. Now, i would probably scold them back. :(

I feel passion, I feel laughter, and happiness yet i can't feel any real pain. I would like to feel the pain.. just to know i still have the most important part of me. My sensitivity.

So confused sometimes... I feel so 'frozen'. The only Only real emotion that i actually feel is passion. Which is even more stranger....

What a wierd mood i'm in today...

Signing off for tonight... Adios amigos!

Just Another Day In Paradise...

So it's been another day at work. I'm sooooo dog tired! It seems that i went to work one day before i was actually supposed to show up... Ha ha ha.. jokes on me...

Ya.. so anyways... I didn't have much time on my hands to do any reflecting or anything today... (cos i was sooo darn busy!!) But well... the usual distractions are always there...

You know, i've realised that i have one major problem... It's this habit of hiding my feelings / my real thoughts / what i actually like and dislike.... I mean, i know that his practice of mine is really not the healthiest way to go about living my life: but i seem to have gotten so used to it now that it's hard to tell the difference.

Am i really that convincing...? Does every word that passes my lips sound so real? so true...? 
If someone askes me... 'Do you want this?' I would say no. And it would be a very convincing totally sincere sounding 'No'.

 But do you know what i would really be wanting (even without admiting it to myself), I'd want that person to do it anyway. The way i would... I never listen to anyone. See that is the secret of knowing a person. You know what they like, you remember things, even the smallest comment they make. About what they like, about what they want... even when they say they dont want it.

I guess it's true when they say 'Women are Complicated creatures'. In a way, it's not the guys fault also. You cannot expect a guy to read your mind... and cross reference everything you say... (wow! that would be very tiring...)

Ya.. well enough about that.

I've decided that i'm going to start my social dancing lessons. <here here.. thanks to the advise given to me by best freind # 1>
But i need to find a dancing partner, who can dance... so i was thinking of asking one of my pals at office... still awaiting confirmation in that regard.

I am so sleepy right now... remind me again why i'm staying awake... without hitting my comfy bed...?? Yeah yeah... i know why i'm staying awake... tho i really don't think i can keep my eyes open much longer.

Do you all want to know the song that suits my mood right now...?
Take a listen to this. It's an old song, but it's the song which has been doing the rounds in my head all day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAtevYRkv7Q

 I'm signing off for tonight... adios amigos.

Can you see the Clouds..?

So.. well i'm back again.... Ah.. loads of things have been happening in my life these past couple of days. Old friendships renewed, new friendships began and well... just a whole load if new things happening in my life.

Even though initially i was not looking forward to staying at home, now i'm happy i was literally forced to do so. As i have had the time to relax and reflect on my life.
Not that it's any more clearer than what it was before. But well, i like to think that there is some progress with regard to understanding my own mind. Ironic.

Well with regard to my romance life.... WOW... wow... Wow... i mean it can't get anymore complicated and interesting than this. Now, i dont mean i'm in love with anyone. Well, just that i'm quite enjoyin myself. (wink!)

Ha ha.. what a different person i've become. I think one could actually say that i'm evolving. (good/bad..? not quite sure...)

Sadly,  my nice long vacation will be comming to an end... and i'll be back at work. Working my ass off and trying to meet impossible deadlines.

Somethings never change.

And to top it all off... i seem to have a bit of a stalkerish friend. Who i'm desperately trying to ignore, and whose feelings i really don't want to hurt, and who has always been there for me - and to this person i'm being the total bitch. I just wish i knew how to handle the situation.
I'm just hoping that when i close my eyes and wake up, this situation would have dissapeared and he would be just the same guy i knew one year ago...

Its ironic how quickly life can change, in an instant.

Building Walls...

Ok.. so maybe i shouldn't be happy right... shouldn't i be sad and depressed? Which Im not... Well atleast i think im not... In fact, im just movin on with my life as usual. Minus all the night life.

Which means im bored at home... considering im on leave and all that. Exit boyfriend - Enter Facebook... ha ha ha... :)

My mind is a blank wall... most of the time... its like its not even there sometimes... am i just ignoring my thoughts... is this normal... well considering its me... i don't know.
Each day is just following another... time is just passing thru... and well.. im at a stand still kind of...

How do u find what exactly is the easy path and what exactly can be called the hard way... When both roads seem to have an almost equal amount of barriers.... how do i know which path i should take...

I wish i knew.

Hell & Back

Great... so im officially going to hell.. I mean im literally goin to hell..
What else can be expected from what im doing.... cuckoo....!!!!!

Crashing Dreams - Broken Thunder

So its 2 days after my... most public break up of a relationship of 4 years. And I'm wondering... what made me do it....? Why end something so secure and safe and.... normal....?
And the answer is... I don't Know.

Am I crazy.....?

No. wait. I do know why i did what i did. Hello...? I'm all for change...

A friend told me to 'find a purpose to my life'. When i was with him, talking to him, i found that purpose.
What do i do when anger takes over. When i just want to lash out and everyone and everything that surrounds me...?

What happens when love alone is not enough... ? Is this the mistake of a lifetime...? Is this the 1st thing in my life that i Might actually regret....?

Wow.. am i heartless... and selfish...?

or am i just another confused person trying to find his/her way....