10 years

Wow.

Has it been 10 years since I first posted on this platform?

Sadly, I seem to only hit the keyboard when my mood it getting me down. Bummer.

In reality though, apart from the many sad times, I have also had some amazing times as well. Moments of travel, laughter and happiness.

However, today as you can tell, I'm not feeling my best. The last few days have been a bummer. Either angry or sad. And then there's the mental fatigue of trying to be 'normal' so that the people around me don't get uncomfortable by seeing my moodiness. 

It sucks to have to hide one's emotions. But that is life. I'd say no one can handle the shit I feel on a daily basis. No one I know anyways.... so why bother trying to make anyone understand or seeking anyones help. 

Shoutout to all the extroverts out there living their best life - oblivious to the shit going on in us introverts heads.

I'd like to thinkI have my head together most times. but yeah, that's always not the case.

Anyways, 10 years. Still a loner, still trying, still wishing i was dead. Still doing nothing. Still living for everyone else. Still pushing on.

10 years.

Feels like a lifetime in my head.

Ugh! March

So, March

The month that depresses me more than any other time of the year.

The month that highlights all my failings, shortcomings and basically brings to the forefront every aspect that I lack in my life.

Sadly, for a loner like me, that is a lot.

Friendships, companionships, goals and achievements fall way below par on reflection.
And wish that I may aspire to change... many of these things are far from my grasp.

March is the month where I fervently wish that I had not been born.
I wish that is was not my birth month - for I fail to see what there is to celebrate.

In 34 years, my wish to have never been born has not changed.
I don't think it ever will.
And,
No matter however much I might dream to never wake up tomorrow,
I can't fathom inflicting such hurt on my mother.
So life goes on.

Anther Day, another Year.

Stuck in a Rut

I am screaming in my head -

Screaming, shouting, fighting, 

With myself.

wondering why I choose to moderate, tolerate and reconcile with everyone and everything in my life.

I wish I could tell people how I really feel.

Tell them that: No I don't want to do something.

No, I don't want to talk.

No, I don't want to be nice.

No, I don't want to be polite or thoughtful or fucking considerate.

NO.

I wish I could tell people to take their wants and needs and go fuck off.

Because you know what?

I don't really care.

I don't. Really.

Do I?

I mean, maybe I pretend I do.

Maybe I'm just pretending to do things, be someone, who really, I am not. 

Because people don't understand me. Not the real me anyways.

So I wish... wish I could do and say all these crazy, unrealistic things... and be this unrealistic person... But I can't.

I can't break my parents expectations nor hurt those around me.

It is my burden to carry in this life, this feeling of being out of place, and out of time. 

Hiding within myself... dying this slow death of normalcy.

Feeling things I can't voice - screaming so loud yet no one can hear,

All these thoughts and emotions swirling and squeezing my heart dry. 

Oh what webs do we weave when we lie to deceive.... more so when we lie to ourselves about who we might be.

Trust

Many times in my previous posts have i mentioned the importance of 'trust'. How i wish they never broke it.

But you know what, he did beak that trust. And when i think about it now, in hindsight, it changed EVERYTHING. From me being the naive doting woman to me being the calculating manipulative, idgaf person i am today.

But I am tired. I am tired of trying to think one, two, three steps ahead. I am tired of playing mind games, guessing games and any other games i think are being dished out. 

I just wish people could be REAL. You know the straightforward, say-what-you-mean, do-what-you-say type of REAL.

Instead, all anyone does is break promises, use words like 'love' and 'sorry' like it's cheap change not worth a penny. One step forward and ten steps back...

And I'm tired.

Tired of the pretending.

I was born to be free. The wild thing doing what she pleased. 

But sometimes I lose sight of that girl - that girl who used to be me. The free spirit. 

She seems lost, as  usual; And a little fed-up. 

A little fed up of dreams that somewhere along the line have been forgotten.

Trust. 

A dangerous word. It can make or break a person. 

It broke me. And  I made remade my broken pieces to reflect the harshness of the world. 

Isn't that what we all do?

Random musings

People may think moving to another land, one where there is no one you know- is all fun and games.
But it is not. It's lonely and.. well, it's lonely.

Life is not as you expect it to be.

Not that it's bad. I  mean, life is good. It's interesting enough. But I miss my clique of friends. I'm an introverted person, but occasionally i like to let lose, and now i don't have my homies to let lose with.

I don't know... just sometimes i feel dissatisfied and almost wish I was elsewhere. Almost. Very rarely. But then i remind myself how blessed i am. And try not to be a bloody bitch about little things in life.

Today, i'm feeling a little down.
Maybe because it's 'Friday'. Maybe because it's Friday and I'm feeling a little lonely.

Well, one can't have everything in life can they....

Thoughts

So many thoughts are running through my head

I have wondered where things may lead

No happiness to be found

in two becoming one

Waiting for some thing good

to hold on to

But am finding none.

Help me understand

What is needed of me

To wear this veil 

I am troubled

Freedom will i not lose

Love, will I not gain

Looking for magic, still.

Leave

People always leave you know that. They do. It's been a while. I've been here, maybe waiting for things to change. But really, nothing really does. I don't know why I'm even alive. I find no joy when I'm living. Just getting thru one day at a time. Even with another person, I feel I just bring sadness. No joy. He hasn't even asked me to marry him . Says a lot u know. He s not sure. Neither Am I I guess . I wonder why I'm alive. Living.