Endings

Sometimes all you have, are the pieces you're left with...

Not the love you gave...
The time you spent...
The memories you made.

Just bits and pieces of nothingness.

Screw You!!

Screw you and your bullshit double standards!

Dead. Broken

I'm sick of this!! I'm sick of being by myself at home. I want to 'LIVE' my life. Instead I feel like the bloody walking dead. I want to be out their living it to the fullest. I want to go out, meet up with friends, go partying... I just want to do something!! Anything!!! Anything to stop feeling so dead and lifeless inside. Anything to fill the hollow feeling that seems to never end.

I want to feel alive.

I feel like i'm wasting my life. wasting away and I don't know what to do.

What is the purpose of my life? What? I haven't the faintest clue! No idea at all!!

I have so many blessings in my life.... yet i don't want any of it. I don't want this life. I don't want to even breathe! I'm just tired of it all.
I wish I was as dead as I feel inside.
As cold and as dead as one can be. I'm just so tired of it all.

Ignore

I dealt with you ignoring me once before. Almost a year ago.
I'm sorry but you just don't get the chance to do it again.

Too little said... Too Late?

If I make up my mind, there's little chance of turning back.
Do you want me to make up my mind?
Let me know.
Silence is just an advocate to say you agree to what I am saying.
I cannot imagine nor comprehend what goes thru your mind.
Whatever you decide, Take care.
Everything that happens, I have to believe, happens for the best.

Forget it

You do not appreciate what you have
And you do not know what you've lost.
May you and I be happy
Separately.

She still loves him

I came across some messages on his phone. And those messages so obviously prove that she still loves him. She still loves and 'misses, the man, her husband. And wonder to myself, how could he just portray her as the 'shrew' when she actually does love him in her own way.

I asked him 'she seems to love you. Don't you love her?' And do you know what he told me? He said 'She may, But i don't.' I shouldn't say this but that was a good answer.

Unfortunately I cannot help but feel like I walked in on a marriage and helped ruin it further. That was not my intention and it probably would have worsened with or without me.
But you know, the feeling is still there sadly.

Sometimes I just want to shout at him. Scream at him. Ask him why? Why oh why can't he be with me? Why is he so afraid? But I know that there is no point in asking futile questions. What's the point right. The simple fact is even tho he says that he doesn't love her like he initially did: He still does love her. He loves her enough to still stay married to her. All I am to him is a part of his life that gives him everything that she does not.
I give him the attention she does not give him.
I give him the understanding he needs.
I provide fun moments.
He has great sex with me and is more satisfied than most guys out there.
We like similar things like genres of music etc

But none of it is Enough.

And I ask myself, why am I still here with him. I've asked that a dozen times in my blog and i've asked it from myself a million times more. And the answer is - because I love him. Because the Bible says 'Faith, Hope and Love. And the greatest of these is Love'

There are moments where he's hurt me so much. Where I've felt like I never wanted to see him or talk to him again. But those feeling of anger never last long no matter how much I seem to get hurt.
The love does not seem to lessen with time or with pain.

Argh

I'm crazy!!!

I'm fucking crazy!!!

Argh! aaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

I want to just scream! I can't sleep!

I just want to hit somebody.

I need to calm myself down.

Seriously WHAT THE FUCK???????

I get the message...

As obvious as life could be, I do get the message.
You will never be there for me the way i want you to be.
You will never be a permanent part of my life.
Yes I get it.
Thank you for reminding me of that and everything else that is wrong with my life.
Thank you for the pain and reminders that never cease.
Thank you for the useless existence I now call a life.
Thank you for nothing.
Because that what 'this' is to you.

Everything...

Every cuddle
Every touch
Every loving moment
Feels like so much.
Your scent, that lingers on my skin,
An arm splayed across my tummy
as you pull me against your body.
Every whisper,
Every tear.
Every loving word you've said
I hear.
At times unspoken it may be.
Every second
Every minute
Always treasured.
End in kisses - good bye whispers
Silent memoirs it becomes.

I wonder....

Right now i'm seated on my bed wondering what the fuck i'm doing with my life.... I honestly don't know. You said you missed being with me. You did? Really? I must have misunderstood cos you didn't seem to show it. Or did i miss something?

Can i go into that I don't care place, where i really don't care.

I don't know. I just feel so... 'dissapointed' right now. A little neglected and taken for granted.

Are all men selfish? I mean is there a giving man out there?? I'm starting to think not. Or maybe i just havn't met such a person as yet.

Show me you

How is it possible to find so much happiness with one person, yet have to live without that person just because he belongs to someone else. Perfect yet unattainable.

...

What the fuck is Love?

Finding Happiness

In search of happiness... Do we ever really find it? Do we ever truly have it and hold on to it? Is it real? I wish i knew... I wish I remembered... what it feels like to be 'Happy'.

My life

You are my life
And not being with you hurts so much.
I cannot sleep and i cannot eat.
I wake up in the morning crying out for you.
My heart aches.
God told me in time everything will be okay.
But time seems to pass-by so slowly.
And every second without you feels like i'm dying.
I know this is my doing.
I know this is my choice.
For the thousandth time i wonder,
Baby why didn't you wait for me?
Our lives would have been so different.
Oh god, please give me the strength to bear this pain.
I need to be strong.
Please give him the strength to be srtong too.
I know he is hurting too. 

Self inflicted torture..

If you know the concept of self inflicted torture... this is it. Breaking up with someone you're still very much in love with... yep, that sure tops the list.

Well... I did today what i should have done ages ago i guess. And trust me it HURTS! So bad it hurts. But logic prevails and will prevail for once. If he doesn't love me enough to be with me... Then he doesn't deserve me at all. I'm done with the excuses. I'm done.

I deserve better and it's time to let life move me forward. I'm not going to watch him and everyone else get a move on their lives, while I stand still waiting for him.

Goodbye Coo. I've said it many many times before. But this time... I mean it. Sadly, we were never meant to be.

Time to start a new chapter.

Time to start over.

Time to heal.

A feeling...

I've got a feeling that's telling me the end is near... It's time to move on.

Happiness...

I want to feel happiness again. I don't wan to feel down and sad all the time. I've been thinking what will make me happy.. and i concluded that if i change my entire life, i can find happiness.

1- change my job
2- completely change my place of work
3- get out of the complicated relationship i'm in
4- go out there and find someone who's willing to put me 1st in his life
5- Love someone strong enough to get married
6- have a husband rich enough to take care of me (and maybe i can stay at home and be a housewife??)
7- have kids
8- have a hubby who comes home to me and who i can take care of
9- go to church (that is way up there in the  list)
10- have enough cash to buy the things needed at home (for mom and familly)
11- have a husband who's faithful to me and who think of me as his entire universe


Show me the path to happiness... and i'm afraid i do not have the courage to follow. Nor the strength or the will to push myself towards it.

1 year Anniversary

OMG...!! I can't believe that for tomorrow, it'll be 1 year since I've been with Coo. A year of lots of laughter, tears, fights, arguments and love. Of break-ups and make-ups. Of passion and anger.

And wow... i still love him, even more than i did in the beginning. I still need him... need his attention and his love more than before.

1 Year. Oh the memories of that year.... I can never forget them.

Baby.. you're my everything.

Why ignore me?

Very soon it will all be over won't it. It'll all be just a long memory. Just something in the past. Just something in the past.

I'm tired!

I'm tired of everything mamma... I'm tired. I wish I could tell these things to you in person, but I cant. Because I know you will worry your heart out.

I'm so tired Mamma. I don't wanna live. Sometimes it feels like this life is too heavy a burden. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I try to be strong like you, I try... But i'm not strong enough.

Everything hurts mamma. The lies, the job, the people, the fakeness... I'm tired of everything. Everything. I'm even tired of eating. Mamma.. I wish i could come home more often. But then you'd see how often I get sad... and you would worry. You'd see how late I work, and you would worry. And I don't want you to.

I want you to think your daughter is happy. That's she's doing a job she loves. That she's with people who love her. That she's not alone. That she takes care of herself and eats on time. That she has enough money to spend.

I wish I could tell you about Coo. How much I love him. And how I obviously can't have him. I wish I could tell you about my problems... but I know you have enough of your own.

I'm so tired mamma. And I don't know what to do.

Fire

You set fire to my world, you make me burn.
You make me simmer with rage and lust-
and you make me yearn.
There are things that I want, things I can't have.
Things I want to do with you, places I want to go.
Moments I want to spend with you,
A life I cannot share.
And yet... you see me holding on.
Loving you.
Missing you.
Wanting you.
And nothing changes.

Exhausted

I'm sooo exhausted.... So bloody tired! I don't know if I'm sitting, walking or standing. Haven't eaten dinner in ages. In fact i'm just too tired.

Work.. Oh my gosh i need a fucking vacation. Working 14 to 16 hourse a day is NOT healthy.

:'(

I can never get over you

Okay.... so I tried... but that's as far as I got. A try. We even said goodbye, but the next day saw us back together again. I have my questions and he knows that. This might be just merely delaying the inevitable, but what the hell. This, right now, what I feel makes me happy. Maybe I'm being naive by wanting to let myself indulge in it for a little while longer.

Love has that strange effect on people. I want to hold on to every moment with him... Im afraid that those moments might soon come to an end.

Loving someone sooo much is one of the greatest feelings i've experienced and its also one of the most complicated.

Hold me again

The scent of you still lingers on my pillow
Your love bites still stain my neck.
I made a choice to walk away this time.
To break my own heart instead.
My eyes are blinded by the tears I cry
My heart is begging for one more day with you.
We both knew this was inevitable
A seperation we cannot fight.
You belong to another,
Needless to say you can never be mine.
A beautiful fantasy... just like a dream.
Just like a dream you've passed me by.
Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my freind.
You'll always share my heart.
Find your way to me my love
Someday I hope you will.

Why bother at all?

Why do I bother to ask at all? If all it results is me being dissapointed in the end...

Teardrop

One big tear-drop following another.
Splash... splash... against the keys.
Blurry eyes what do you see?
Words, meaningless... deeper than the ocean.

One big tear-drop follows another.
Vacant eyes, glancing at the door.
Dewy eyelashes and silent sighs,
Stormier than a stormy ocean.

Another big tear-drop followed the other.
Splash... splash... against the keys. Wipe those eyes little sister.
Too many tear-drops have filled this ocean.

D.R.A.M.A.

Oh. My. Gosh! Yesterday was one hell of a day. Horrible to the max.

What the hell am i doing? I mean really! What the fucking hell am i doing??? Who am i kiddin...? Everyone knows i'm the ultimate LOSER here. So what the hell am i doing?

I feel so.. alone right now. Alone. More alone than i've felt in the longest time.

Everybody's running to save thier way of life... That's alright. Just trample me in the process. Just walk right thru my heart. Just throw it around... I mean what the hell right. If your going to hurt me, just go ahead and do a thorough job of it.

Why am I holding on huh? Why? Why why??
I don't know.
Why lord.. why was i born? Why couldn't i have just died at birth or something... or never been born at all. Everybody's life would have been so much easier.

Noone would ever have had a chance to hurt me. Noone.

Why does love hurt?

It hurts. Why? I ask myself that question over and over agian. Why does 'LOVE' hurt...?

Why is it that sometimes i feel as if i cant breathe? Why is it that sometimes i miss you with such an ache in my heart, in my body, that i cant stop myself from crying. It's like there's this physical ache in my chest, and i cant fix it. Like right now.

What i would give for a simple touch right now. Just to touch you.

Why does love hurt? Why can't love be a happy feeling all the time? Why cant loving a person be easy? Simple? Uncomplicated?

Memories. I've said this once and i ll say it again. Memories, are humans way of torturing themselves by recalling the past. Like an 'on-demand' form of free self torture.
It just hurts.

The Secret...

Have you watched the tv series 'The secret memoires of a call girl'? It's a very happening, kinda sad, sometimes funny series.

I wish they made a series called 'The secret memoires of a Mistress'. Wouldn't that be intersting too... I mean a mistresses life is pretty much a secret. You can be in love with the person or not. But at the end of the day... it's all a big cover-up. Secret meetings, secret messages, secret phone calls, secret everything. I guess you can't expect anything but 'secrecy' in such a situation. Unless of course you want to get into a whole heap of trouble. Hahhaahahaha.. noooot.

How long can a person be someone's 'mistress'? Is it until she's 30 years? 45? What happenes to her when sex is not really the best pastime she can offer (that applies to both parties)? What happenes when 'love' is all that remains...? Is that enough? Or would the man just up and leave for good, back to his wife, to pass time in his old age? And all she has remaining are memories; and a youth long past. No one to call her own, no familly except maybe her parents (if they are still living) and her siblings...

Jeez... what a depressing picture. But that's reallity nontheless.

I think i'm feeling way toooo depressed for a saturday morning. And waaaaay to freaked out right now.

Again

And he's gone out of town again! I know it's a personal thing and that it being the new year it's unavoidable, but so soon. Why sooooo soon? He just got back from his previous trip.

So unfair that i'm the one who's stuck here missing him. Im not blaming him... it's just one of those moments where you just think 'you gotta be fucking kidding me...!!'

We spent a perfect hour together the night before... sigh... but times flies when im with him. Left me all boneless and relaxed... but then i never get enough.

Come back soon babes. Im missing you.

Understanding...

Sometimes, it's necessary to be understanding. It's necessary to give people space. Loosen the bounderies and set them free. And eventually... not give a damn whether they come back or not.

Can I have atleast one day without complications?

Oh my gosh!!! So I fell asleep and missed his calls and had not replied to his texts. It was not intentional. Does he have to get so mad at me for that? I didn't even ignore him on purpose!

I'm starting to get angry now. If im at fault here, yes then his being upset with me i agree. But this is not fair.

My Sunset

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of a man, so troubled yet hiding it so well.
I see a man whose heart has been betrayed.
A troubled past, a complicated life, two sides of the same coin.
This man that I see, he is the one that I love
A love I will not deny.
His pain and his sadness, yes I feel it.
I ache for him.
To wrap my arms around him.
To comfort him.
I've watched him sleep before, I've held him close.
He deserves to be loved.
He may not have the purest past but does it matter?
Noone cared before, no one gave a damn.
They took from him- he just repayed them the favour.
No more.
He is Mine.
Mine to love.
His soul belongs to Me.
Mine to guide, mine to protect.
His heart beats for me, just as mine beats for him.
Sometimes, dreams seem futile.
Hope seems spare.
Being apart is a slow torture
Sweetened by stolen moments and secret kisses.
I am happy being with him.
No matter what it may cost me.
No matter what I may give up along the way.
He can always find his haven, right here in my arms.
I made that promise.
I will keep it.

Speechless

I rarely am speechless... usually when I get started, shutting me up is kinda hard...

Ah.. but tonight... tonight I'm speechless.

The thing I love most about you...

Do you know what I love most about you? You make me laugh. Your jokes, you crazy antics... even how you kept trying to joke around for April's fool day, but well, nobody fell for it. You are so full of vitality. It surrounds you and when im with you, it surrounds me.

How you toot the car horn playfully, just because i imitate the sound it makes, how you drive like a maniac... but still look extremely sexy doing it.... so many little things that i love about you.

And how you boss me around sometimes: and strangely it never irritates me. In fact I like it. I like it when you take control. I absolutely love it when you get possesive. Oh and when you're jealous... well that's just the icing on the cake!

You know, there are many times i ask myself 'Why? Why you?'. But it's wierd because, as much as you piss me off at times... you do love me a 100 times more. And i do know that.

I may have denied you a few kisses in the past, but you know very well that i'd never deny you entry to my heart.

You're a crazy boy and i'm a pretty psycho girl.

What can i say..... 'Omagaaaach! No way!!'

!!!

I mean seriously... what's the bloody point?

Do you think I love you so little?

What can i say...? There's nothing i can say that will make me feel less hurt. It may be a silly thing. It propably is....

I should love you less. I should care about you less. I should worry about you less. Because you seem to think that's how little i love you.

Yes. the pocket of you trouser accidently tore. Yes. i wanted to sew it for you. So what if it was dirty. So what if it was your day old trouser. It's yours! What makes you think i would be irked by it???
Are you irked by my dirty clothes? Are you?? If you saw my dirty clothes lying around, would you feel yucky to pick them up?? Cos if you are hun.. you better find another girl.

There's so little i can do for you to show how much i love you. And you deny me this.
Thanks for that.

Stop Thinking!!!!

Its 11.42pm and i cant sleep. I feel like there's a treadmill in my mind.... and it keeps turning and turning and turning!!!

What the fuck do i get myself into huh?? I'm soooooo tired. Soooo tired.

If something is broken... i wish i knew what it was... so i could fix it, remove it or replace it. I wish i knew. I wish i knew!!!!!!

I used to think, maybe if i had met you 5 yrs ago things would have been different. Bulshit!!! It would have been no different. You still would have been with another woman.
How the fuck did this happen? How did you and me happen? And why? Whats the point?? Whats the fucking point??

What am i???? Everybody's 'feel good' potion....? Everybody's 'temporary fix'????? What the hell is up with this??? I mean c'mon!!!! For once.. for once... can't i have something that i like in return. For once!

Arghh! I just feel like banging my head against a wall. I'm soooooo fucking tired!!!!!!
What's the fucking point?? Whats the point in all the tears i shed? What's the point in all my love??? What? What?

I've accepted soooo much. Dealt with sooo much. I've emotionally overcome sooo many problems. For what???

Remind me again.. for what purpose? For what goal? For what dream? For what?

Sometimes I feel I want to just leave everything. Leave my job, Leave this country... Leave everyone i know... and start afresh. Wish i could do that. But i can't. I can't simply run away from my choices. I have to deal with my decisions. Face the music. Do the dance.

B'day Surprises!!

OMG... I'm finally finding the time to write this. I've been so busy at work. So busy.

Anyways, I celebrated my b'day recently. I mean, for the 1st time really really felt fulfilled on my b'day. It was like every dream i had had, every wish... he made come true. A place i always wanted to visit, candles, romance so many sweet things planned and even jewellery(lol). Most of all... more than anything... he gifted me with himself for a full 24 perfect hours. Just him and me.

It was just sooo beautiful. sooo perfect. For the 1st time in my life... someone managed to do exactly what i secretly desired. And i never even mentioned a single thing to him. Not a thing. Cos i never expect anything from anyone for fear of dissapointment.

How is it possible, to love one person so much. To love them with everything you got...? Even tho he belongs somewher else, i know his heart belongs to me.

5 yrs baby! If only you had waited 5 yrs. :)

That's life i guess... in time you learn many things... in time you learn to appreciate other things more... and time makes one wiser.

At times my heart aches. Simply because your not with me. It's hard. Oh boy is it hard being away from you, even for a day. And even friends can't bridge that gap. When i miss you, all i want is you. Nothing or no-one can make me feel any better.

Baby you know that loving you is heaven, missing you is a different kind of special hell.

Time, Patience, Love

There are moments when he drives me crazy,
There are moments when I just want to yell at him,
But he knows me well now.
He knows my temper.
He knows my love.
And he's patient.
How angry I get at him... How brutal my messages.
Well, he may deserve it...
But still...
Still he's sticks around.
Oh I don't understand this life.
And as hell I don't understand my heart.
My temper may simmer and boil for days,
Yet the moment I see him, the moment he's close-by.
Like rain on fire... my anger evaporates.
Gone.
Forgiven.
Like balm on a wound... I feel whole again.
What are we doing baby?
Where will we end up.
How long can we go on like this...
I do not know.
But I do know you love me,
And for now, it is enough.

What do I feel?

I've been dissapointed. Yes, that's the word. Dissapointed. Dissapointed with the way my life seems to have turned out. It's not as planned. 4 years ago, the plan was to marry, live comfotably in Canada or wherever, come to SL for vacations, take my sis to Canada for studies.. sigh. I made a choice, I changed my plans. I've noone to blame but myself of course.

Well, I don't regret making those changes. Im pretty sure I did the right thing by following my heart. It wasn't easy, but I did what i had to do.

I feel like I'm looking for something... yet I can't seem to find it, and I dont know what it is. It's sooo frustraiting knowing that something is out of your grasp. It's elusive.

I feel like im back in that place again... where I know I have to make a decision, yet i don't want to.  But it's constantly at the back of my mind that i need to make a choice. Every small incident that reminds me that certain things will never change, certain feelings can never be voiced.. it's like a slap across the face. It just reminds me what i try to forget. That I can't go on forever like this. I can't go on forever being with someone, who will never truely be with me.
It's just not fair! Not fair at all!

When i'm happy, im happy. And non of these thoughts come to mind. But when i get sad, when he does something to make me sad, then I wonder, 'what the hell an i doing? he doesn't appreciate me at all! what the hell am i doing?'

I wonder how he would feel if we were both on equal ground. If I was also married, if i also had a husband to take care of, if i also had a life apart from him, if i went shoppin with my husband, if i had a wedding anniversary to celebrate, if i spent/celebrated new yr/christmas etc with my husband... how would he feel...? In such a instance we would be on equal ground. Yeah, then I guess I wouldn't feel so bad. Cos i'll be living the same way he is right....

Laugh Laugh... I don't know men. Im sooo sick and tired of this life. Just so tired. If i could wish my life away I would. I feel like I was put on this earth to give and give. All the men i've been with, i've given them what they needed the most. The best friend, love, someone to talk to, lover... And yes, they loved me back. But DID they love me back because they loved me? No. They all loved me back because they loved how i made them feel, not cos they really loved 'Me'. Did they take care of me? Except for J, nope, non of them did.

Im not a user. Im not a bitchy person. Yet I don't remember the last time i was pleasantly suprised(ok.. so there was 1 time...). I dont remember the last time someone gave me a gift or a card... Not even anyone from my familly, not even my mother or brother. Noone.

When i go shoppin im thinking 'is there anything my sis will like??', 'will coo like this, do they hav jujubs?', 'do they have nice cufflinks?', 'i must bring my mom and sis out here for dinner...', 'when i have money must gift her(mom) with a voucher from the salon to go for a massage'... 'this card is soooo for r*d* :)' .......... these are the things im thinking. For what?? huh?? what??

Sigh... cos i love them. I love giving to them.
There's the sayin. 'Do unto other, as you would do unto yourself'

Someday, someone, will return the favor.

Vday

Valentine's day is comming up. Sigh... Just another day out of 365 days of the year.

Sleepy confusion...

I need to sleep... but i cant seem to fall asleep. I keep waking up... I want to sleep! Properly sleep. :(

I guess there's too many thoughts running thru my head. Too many questions, what ifs, why nots etc... I need some peace of mind.

What if I had never initiated that conversation about the fan with coo... what if I never said ok to go on that movie date with him... what if I never chatted with him on msn... what if I never made love to him that time we went clubbing... what if I never opened up to him, trusted him and let myself fall in love with him.... what if?? What if??

Would I have come across some nice single guy? Would I have met a guy who wasn't a jerk, but someone who really cared, loved me and wanted to be with me?
Or would I have ended up with the wrong type of people.. people like yb/m/a/s etc..?

Might I have fallen in love with someone else.... like c*a***a, who's changed in the last 5 yrs... doesn't drink/smoke anymore... single, has a steady job, nice guy, not a player anymore... could there have been something there?

I'm sooo confused right now. I love Coo! I do. But just sometimes I wonder what might have been you know...

I was thinking about the good things that have happened to me since i've got to know him... and wow.. there are many. Because of coo... I was able to stay away from the wrong type of people, who given my nature, I might have got invoved with under other circumstancs. Cos of him, I learnt that my body is capable of great feeling... the physical kind ( and emotional too) :)
Because of him I've had many beautiful experiences, He brought sooo much of laughter into my life. So much love. So much feeling. Hell, even my pals liked him.

But I keep asking myself, what do you really want?? What?
Will I have all those normal things/relationships that normal people have...? Will i be able to hold on to those things. Because I know how easily I get bored...

What if i'm not capable of such relationships. I'm a unique person... it's what attracts the male species to me... I dont seek out the attention. Im just me. Simply me. Straight forward, open, passionate, easy to talk to... Me.
What if being 'Me' is the whole problem?

I want a guy who will love me, who will make my heart race when he touches me, a guy who can take care of me, a guy who will come home to me.
I want a man who i can go out to dinner with, go shoppin with, go for movies with. So many things normal couples do together, and take for granted... I don't have that and I want to be able to do those things with the person I love.
I want to be able to tell the whole world who i'm in love with, and not worry who knows or what they think.

I want a familly, a home, a loving life together with the person i love. I want vacations together, nights together, breakfast together...

You see Coobaby.. I am very confused. I love you. Who you are, the way you are. I love the way you make me feel when we are together. I love how we connect physically.
Yet I can't have it all with you can I... Everything I want from a relationship, I can't have with you. And it breaks my heart.

The very thought of leaving you is unbearable. I don't know what to do baby. I really don't know. I want you, I need you. Yet your the most out of limits thing in my life right now.

Boring? Me? Hmph!

If there's 1 thing i've realised about my life... it's rarely boring. It's never short of men, and only gets boring cos i make it that way... I mean it's the funniest thing right. Guys seem to get the same urges at almost the same time.
For eg: Mr A might text me saying 'hi...'. Almost immediately I get another 2 or 3 msgs from Mr B/C/D...I mean it is soooooo hilarious. And believe it or not.. even Coo will txt around the same time. Hahahahah... funny. Most of the time I just ignore the texts cos i really cant be bothered replying. But well... the male psychy is sooo wierd right?? lol

Yesterday was a interesting day of sorts. Traumatising yes. Had a bit of fun with my pals yes... overall wierd. Yes very wierd.

I really should try to figure out what it is that triggers my depressive mood swings men. It's really annoyin. Logic just doesn't prevail in such instances.

Coo got upset with me  yesterday afternoon and ddnt talk to me till today morning. You can imagine what a lousy nights sleep i got. come to think of it, i don't really think i slept at all. :( Yeah... story of my life right??

Sometimes I read these posts of mine and i think to myself... ' you gotta be kidding! did I write this.. this is so drepressing and sad and soppy and all lovey dovey and shit...' But you know what, yes I did write it, and yes it's sad and lovey dovey... lol. Can you belive that?? Me? writting 'lovey' things... lol. How i have changed...
Life sure is crazy like that.

Life

What is Life?
If not the painful day to day existence.
Life.
I don't want it.
Never did.
For as long as I remember....
I questioned my existence.
Life.
A bucket full of tears.
A heart filled with pain.
A mind filled with turmiol and confusion.
Happiness.
A temporary cooling breeze, always passin by.
So rare, such moments.
So rare.
Dreams.
The creativity of my mind.
My escape from reality.
So many dreams... everytime I close my eyes.
Im tired.
Just very tired.
Of life.

Who gives a shit anyways right??

Sometimes.... I feel... all alone.
Irrational as it sounds, untrue it may be...
I just can't shake off that feeling of loneliness.
Do I ask too much of the people in my life?
Do I expect too much?
Or is it that I give out too much of myself and lose the balance?
Why can't I laugh away my feelings? Why can't it go away?
Why doesn't the depression stay away for good...?
Why am I sad? I don't know! I really don't!
Sometimes, it just becomes unbearable... why?
What's wrong with me?
I don't understand...
I know the logic, yet I can't reconcile the feeling.
I just want to be at peace with my mind.
I don't want to feel anything...
I'm tired of feeling like a pendulum...
Extreme Happy... Extreme Sad...
Happy/sad.
Happy/sad.
I'm trying to control it... I'm trying.
I know nobody will understand.
Or really care.
And that's okay.

We are getting Better

I cannot explain what's going on between Coo and me. Lately... we have been spending more time together... like atleast once a week he makes time to go out for a coffee after work or something... and he comes over more often.. txts more often... he actaully cares what im upto? where i am? wher im going? what im buyin?

Wow... im amazed. Something has changed. Ever since the last time i tried to break up with him, and with he begging me to please give him another chance... he's become a different person. Almost.

I'm more in love with him than ever before. And he is more in love with me than before too.. it's crazy. We've both changed. I mean... I can't explain it... just that we've grown closer to each other. He's so sweet at times. I love him sooo much! But if he pisses me off again he knows that im soo gonna dump his nice ass. :)

Yay :(

So... todays another #@#$% day... as usual. I tried breaking up with him again.... that ddint work out.

Today is his wedding anniversary... yippeeeee... He was supposed to come see me today... but he suddenly realised that today is the anniversary. Joy for me.

Fuck fuck fuck... Im such a fuckin idiot!