I've been dissapointed. Yes, that's the word. Dissapointed. Dissapointed with the way my life seems to have turned out. It's not as planned. 4 years ago, the plan was to marry, live comfotably in Canada or wherever, come to SL for vacations, take my sis to Canada for studies.. sigh. I made a choice, I changed my plans. I've noone to blame but myself of course.
Well, I don't regret making those changes. Im pretty sure I did the right thing by following my heart. It wasn't easy, but I did what i had to do.
I feel like I'm looking for something... yet I can't seem to find it, and I dont know what it is. It's sooo frustraiting knowing that something is out of your grasp. It's elusive.
I feel like im back in that place again... where I know I have to make a decision, yet i don't want to. But it's constantly at the back of my mind that i need to make a choice. Every small incident that reminds me that certain things will never change, certain feelings can never be voiced.. it's like a slap across the face. It just reminds me what i try to forget. That I can't go on forever like this. I can't go on forever being with someone, who will never truely be with me.
It's just not fair! Not fair at all!
When i'm happy, im happy. And non of these thoughts come to mind. But when i get sad, when he does something to make me sad, then I wonder, 'what the hell an i doing? he doesn't appreciate me at all! what the hell am i doing?'
I wonder how he would feel if we were both on equal ground. If I was also married, if i also had a husband to take care of, if i also had a life apart from him, if i went shoppin with my husband, if i had a wedding anniversary to celebrate, if i spent/celebrated new yr/christmas etc with my husband... how would he feel...? In such a instance we would be on equal ground. Yeah, then I guess I wouldn't feel so bad. Cos i'll be living the same way he is right....
Laugh Laugh... I don't know men. Im sooo sick and tired of this life. Just so tired. If i could wish my life away I would. I feel like I was put on this earth to give and give. All the men i've been with, i've given them what they needed the most. The best friend, love, someone to talk to, lover... And yes, they loved me back. But DID they love me back because they loved me? No. They all loved me back because they loved how i made them feel, not cos they really loved 'Me'. Did they take care of me? Except for J, nope, non of them did.
Im not a user. Im not a bitchy person. Yet I don't remember the last time i was pleasantly suprised(ok.. so there was 1 time...). I dont remember the last time someone gave me a gift or a card... Not even anyone from my familly, not even my mother or brother. Noone.
When i go shoppin im thinking 'is there anything my sis will like??', 'will coo like this, do they hav jujubs?', 'do they have nice cufflinks?', 'i must bring my mom and sis out here for dinner...', 'when i have money must gift her(mom) with a voucher from the salon to go for a massage'... 'this card is soooo for r*d* :)' .......... these are the things im thinking. For what?? huh?? what??
Sigh... cos i love them. I love giving to them.
There's the sayin. 'Do unto other, as you would do unto yourself'
Someday, someone, will return the favor.
All i know about your life is whatever I've read through this blog, so i may not be the best person to give an opinion here but you are going out with a married man right? Regardless of how terrible his marriage is you can't expect the two of you to be like teenage-lovers spending every minute together because at the end of the day he does have other commitments, priorities, a whole other life apart from you which he needs to tend to right? And you need to accept that and be ok with it. I don't mean to be harsh but try not to set your expectations too high for a relationship of this sort because if not the only thing you're going to be left with is a sore heart.
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