Sleepy confusion...

I need to sleep... but i cant seem to fall asleep. I keep waking up... I want to sleep! Properly sleep. :(

I guess there's too many thoughts running thru my head. Too many questions, what ifs, why nots etc... I need some peace of mind.

What if I had never initiated that conversation about the fan with coo... what if I never said ok to go on that movie date with him... what if I never chatted with him on msn... what if I never made love to him that time we went clubbing... what if I never opened up to him, trusted him and let myself fall in love with him.... what if?? What if??

Would I have come across some nice single guy? Would I have met a guy who wasn't a jerk, but someone who really cared, loved me and wanted to be with me?
Or would I have ended up with the wrong type of people.. people like yb/m/a/s etc..?

Might I have fallen in love with someone else.... like c*a***a, who's changed in the last 5 yrs... doesn't drink/smoke anymore... single, has a steady job, nice guy, not a player anymore... could there have been something there?

I'm sooo confused right now. I love Coo! I do. But just sometimes I wonder what might have been you know...

I was thinking about the good things that have happened to me since i've got to know him... and wow.. there are many. Because of coo... I was able to stay away from the wrong type of people, who given my nature, I might have got invoved with under other circumstancs. Cos of him, I learnt that my body is capable of great feeling... the physical kind ( and emotional too) :)
Because of him I've had many beautiful experiences, He brought sooo much of laughter into my life. So much love. So much feeling. Hell, even my pals liked him.

But I keep asking myself, what do you really want?? What?
Will I have all those normal things/relationships that normal people have...? Will i be able to hold on to those things. Because I know how easily I get bored...

What if i'm not capable of such relationships. I'm a unique person... it's what attracts the male species to me... I dont seek out the attention. Im just me. Simply me. Straight forward, open, passionate, easy to talk to... Me.
What if being 'Me' is the whole problem?

I want a guy who will love me, who will make my heart race when he touches me, a guy who can take care of me, a guy who will come home to me.
I want a man who i can go out to dinner with, go shoppin with, go for movies with. So many things normal couples do together, and take for granted... I don't have that and I want to be able to do those things with the person I love.
I want to be able to tell the whole world who i'm in love with, and not worry who knows or what they think.

I want a familly, a home, a loving life together with the person i love. I want vacations together, nights together, breakfast together...

You see Coobaby.. I am very confused. I love you. Who you are, the way you are. I love the way you make me feel when we are together. I love how we connect physically.
Yet I can't have it all with you can I... Everything I want from a relationship, I can't have with you. And it breaks my heart.

The very thought of leaving you is unbearable. I don't know what to do baby. I really don't know. I want you, I need you. Yet your the most out of limits thing in my life right now.