Argh..!!

I miss him...!!!! Whyyyyyyyyyyy???!!! #$%^%^^%&$@$%#

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Why am i missing you so much today Coo.....?? Sigh...

Bored

I've been at home all these days... and oh my gosh.. i've actually been so busy. And well... lifes kinda interesting these days. I mean He knows the deal... no sex. So if he still wants to hang ut with me.. well that's cool. He's different to my usual type anyways. Not the bad boy type... but certainly has a way with words. :) He seems like a nice guy. But i'm not looking to get married to him or anything. Not..!

 I realised that lately the guys i dated... have always been good at expressin themselves... most of the time.. but not when it really matters.

Life is funny like that.

Still miss you Coobaby. But atleast I've been able to sleep these last few days. Guess being on leave, away from you and work has helped. So has Mr X (the name of new guy).

Things are certainly looking up. Thanks God for best friends and new friends. :)

OMG..!!!

Lasy night was such a crazy, fun, fucked up night....!! I mean WTF was wrong with me?? 1st we're drinking at the office thing, then we're all dancing like crazy... well atleast I was dancing like crazy... and then we go to clancy's... drink somemore... and there also Im dancing like a woman possessed... and dancing with my ex-boss... and then im dancing with his bro... and then theres this other guy, one of coo's pals who was hitting on me... and then there was another guy in my dept (who's a really nice sweet guy) who likes me and was trying his damdest to hit on me, but who i dont want to mess with cos i value his friendship.. and he get upset cos im dancing with everyone else other than him...

Then to top it all off... My ex sms's me commenting on my dancing. Mind you, at this point im sooooo high i cant even walk strait... so it doesnt really have any impact on me. Then on my way to the washroom i see him and just wave and say 'hi' while passing by. When i come back to out booth... just seated and chatting to ex-bosses bro... he kisses me.. and i kiss him back..... yeah. Wierd. And then some other guy in my dept gets all wound up cos he thinks im being abused or some shit and tries to pull up a fight.. dramaaaaa....

Then i get a another sms from my poor ex who witnessed the kiss... haiyo... that also just doesnt really register. Until 6am next day morning... and im like... WTF WTF...!!! And i feel so bad for him... cos i can imagine how much seeing that would have hurt his feeling.... but wat to do. Im not the girl i used to be. And right now... i dont wanna be that girl.

The good faithful girl is on her way out... maybe she'll come back when she finds a guy who touches her heart again. Somehow.. i realised one thing. I'll always be in love with Coo. He has my heart.

Im one person who seems to always take the longest route in discovering myself. Impulsive to the core. Sigh...

Im becomming a bit of a player. A strait forward player. I dont hide shit from noone. A Player to a certain extent. Not goin as far as to have sex with anyone (a/p my new recent policy where i wont have sex with any guy unless it's the guy im gonna marry). But exclusive to no-one right now.

Is what im doing or the direction im heading in the correct path... maybe not. But i'll deal with my shit in the way i know how. Thank you very much.

Life's a bitch boys... didn't you know that.

This heart of mine belongs exclusively to you Coobaby. The rest of me... I dont really give a damn.

Just great!

I am not well. :( Guess all the emotional drama would have to result in something huh. I should have known it would trigger my gartritis. And I don't mean the normal thing. What i get is usually a pain which leaves me literally unable to move.

Sigh. What to do. I've got this before. I know the drill.. 3 days and i'll be good to go.

In the meantime.. i'm at home.. immobile in a sense... with nothing but my thoughts to keep me occupied. Not the best company.. but hey.. what the hell.

And atleast i've found 2 new people to flirt with. Soemthing intersting going on there atleast. heeheheh...

Still missing Coo like crazy. Today is Lilcoo's birthday. Miss the little fellow too. Hope he's doing ok. :(

Hmmmmm....

So im like on leave these days... Sooo much time to my hands. Yuck. Anyways, i got around to cleaning my room today... did some shopping... busted a whole lot of cash... the usual.

Did he cross my mind today...? yes he did.
Did i miss him today? yes i did.
How many times did i look at his profile today? Only once for the last 2 days. (im soooo proud of myself)

Oh.. and im gonna get a few more tattoos... :) Yes..!!! Im hoping to get like 3 more... so cross my fingers hoping the price will be right... so that i can get all 3. Can't wait!!!

And yesterday, i bought the most prettiest, sexiest dress to wear to my  previous officer's wedding. I mean, I definitely know im gonna be the hottest lady there... heeehehehehe... Just need to find the perfect matching shoes now. Sighhhhh...

I hope Coo & wife are not invited for the wedding. Hmph! Well, even if they are... no biggie.

Tired

I'm sooooooooo effing tired right now. I mean really really tired. I saw the wife today at the office thing. I was like 'why?? why did she have to come for this??' argh!

I miss you babes. :'(

All the 'why's and 'if's are in my head... sigh. She looked so pretty as usual.

Please heart of mine, stop hurting. He's not worth it ne.

Lost

Last night I went to Sopranos... The last time i went there i went with Coo. I remember how he was with me, even tho he was like bored outta his mind and falling asleep literally. lol. I remembered how he kept his arm around me, and was standing close by while i sang... I remembered.

I miss you Coobaby. I really miss you. Everywhere i go there are memories of you and me... they haunt me.

Loving you 'was' heaven, missing you 'IS' hell...

Random

Yesterday, Nov 18, was Coo's B'day. I send him a very normal friendly wish via a FB msg. Which he thanked me for today.... surprise surprise.. by commin online on msn. But that was it. Thank you for the B'day wish. No bye. and he signs out.

Argggh...!!

Funnily, he hasnt changed his msn display name. But knowing him.... it wont be long before thats also gone. Not that it should matter to me... but well... I dont know. He'll take away everything that reminds me of him. I'm not sure if thats for my benefit or for his benefit.

It's been 10 awful days now. 10 DAYS! 10 long days of heartache. 10 days of missing him. 10 days of hardly any sleep. 10 days of not knowing how Lilcoo is. 10 days of not being able to tell him to giv Lilcoo a kiss from me. 10 days of no texts from him. 10 days of not hearing his voice. 10 days of not hearing him walk into my house. 10 days of hell.... pure hell.

And yet, life does go on. As i've said before, thank God for great friends.

Well... this relationship had to end sometime right. Guess now is that time.
Coobaby I miss you.

~M2M~The Day You Went Away~Official Video~ "in HD"

Bored... :(

I'm at home today and im bored to tears.... I mean really really bored.

Trying to keep my thought away... not really succeeding there... but well whats new.

Went to Commons with the dept last night, ate till i couldnt breathe. Came home looking forward to sleep... but the moment i entered my home and got into bed... sleep as usual was impossible. When i finally dropped off to sleep, kept waking up every few hours. Finally i just got up at arounf 5.30am. Sigh... when is this going to end...? I can't sleep in my own house cos of the memories. I can't do anything. Get outta my head!!!!!!

Maybe i sould get a new bed.... Better yet... Why dont i just shift house...?? :'(

I have a weekend ahead of me... which i can't imagine getting thru...

Sigh...

My friends say I should let you go.
They say I should move on.
I'm waiting for the day when I will wake up and not miss you.
I'm waiting for the night when I won't cry myself to sleep.
But each moment I'm without you, I keep falling to peices.
I never meant to fall in love with you.
I never wanted to let you in to my heart.
But you swept in, with your charm and your smile and your crazy ways...
You broke down all my defences.
You were like the drug that I got addicted to,
The heat in my viens, the blood pumping in my heart.
And now without you I feel paralised.
Without your smile I feel like crying.
Without your charm I see the world thru sad eyes.
Without your crazy jokes I can't find a reason to laugh...
I miss you.
I feel like my heart is failing under the effort it's under.
I've gone numb.
I'm trying to find my way, but I'm lost.
My friends are trying, but they cannot revive me.
I'm losing my hold on my life.
It's slipping away, like sand between my fingers.
I'm giving up.
I'm trying to be strong, but I can't deal anymore.
I miss you.
People may laugh at me saying I deserve what I got.
Falling in love with a married guy.
I really don't care.
They never experienced the moments we shared, the jokes, the tears.
The passion.
Love, you have destroyed everything I tried so hard to protect in me.
How can there still be tears left in me that I cry over you?
Sigh...

I Don't Understand you

I see you have blocked me from viewin your FB wall. I don't understand why you would do do somethin like that...? Do you have to hurt me so much? Are you trying to kill me?

All those times you told me that you truly loved me... you couldn't have been lying. You said that my face would always be painted on your Heart... you couldn't have been lying...Why are you doin this. Why are you tryin to hurt me...?

I dont think i can bear this anymore... Please stop hurting me. Please stop!

Don't make me cry babe

I feel like I'm dying... There are moments when I feel like I can go on. And then, there are moments like this.. when I feel like somebody has ripped something out of me. I feel like there's nothing worth living for. And I see you going on with your life, as if nothing happened, as if nothing has affected you... and I hurt even more. How can I go on like this?

I need you!! Dammit! I want to see you smile at me again. I want to see you walk towards me. I want to see a txt msg from you on my phone. I want to feel your arms around me...

Get these memories out of my head. I feel like I'm going insane!!! I can't bear this. I can't bear that I might have meant nothing to him... When I thought he really loved me.

Don't make me cry babe.... I'm sorry about what I did... I truely am. Wish i could take it back. I wish...

Please God, help me bear this hurt. It just hurts so much.

Killer Memories

Memories can be such a killer. I mean, a simple memory can flood us with so much feeling... it's unbelievable.

I keep remembering, certain moments this past few months, which made me so happy. I mean... those moments were simply priceless. And still, they are some of the most precious memories which i hold close to my heart.

Is it possible for someone to change instantaneously...? Can people just suddenly change their mind or the way they feel...?

Coobaby I do miss you very much. No matter how many cute guys i meet or like... I'll never ever forget you.

Yummmmyyyyyy!!

OMG.. He's so sexy!!! LOL..

Yay!!

Today, I've had, pretty mucn the bestest day i've had in a very very very long time. I spent today watchin a movie with my best pal, then went fot lunch, went with her hubby-to-be to see a photography exibition, then for coffee.. had such a good day for once. Thanks God for good friends. :)

Oh Oh...! And i saw this good-looking guy.. ;) And for once, something i thought would never happen happened. I felt a connection! Yes..!! I know i couldn't believe my ... feelings..!! :D I mean he was cute.. and had this cuteee smile.. lol... I was like... "ohhhhhhh I likessss!!!' hehehehehehe...

What an awesome day!!!

Funny shit!!

All said and done... I still miss the bloody fool!

I still love him.

Arrghh.. get outta my head!! get outta my heart!!! Why do i love you when u dont love me...? Whyyyyyyy....?

Arsehole!!

Okay.. so i kissed a guy...! big fucking deal...! Is he bloody saint S****...? I hopes he goes and jumps in a well. Good riddance to bad rubbish!!!

Motherfucking arsehole...!!!! Arggggghhhh!!!!

I mean who the fuck does he think he is huh...? He gives Me silent treatment... Bloody big shot nah. Already forgotten the only girl who was there for him, who talked to him when he needed someone, who listened to his problems, who loved him and who dealt with shit.. for him...!! Thats what i get for being too fucking good to someone who never appreciated it.

Im not even sending him dramatic txts. Im not even calling him. Im not even putting dramatic fb status updates. But he cant reply to a simple IM wher i ask him to let me knw if he got his cap back...?? I mean wat is up wit that...? Geez... he's behaving like a immature baby...!!!! Get over it mann...!!
Screw you S****...!!!

My childhood prayer

When I was small and whenever I was scared... I would sing this small chorus to myself.

Jesus bids us shine,
with a clear pure light.
Like a candle burning, Burning in the night.
In this world of darkness, we might shine.
You in your small corner, and I in mine.

God always makes things right. He's always there for me. Always will be.

Re note to Self

You know what.. I think I feel better. Im getting better. Im strong. Just need to dig deep inside to find my strenth. Thank God.

I am right. I deserve better. And since the moment I believed it, I've been feeling so much more stronger. Sure I miss him. Sure he's on my mind all the fucking time. But the memory of him does not reduce me to tears anymore. Atleast i dont let myself be reduced to tears.

Any man who's fool enough to let me go.. is a totall dumass idiot. His loss.

Im young, im single, im hot. I don't have to run behind anyone. Never did, don't see why i should start now.

Take care Coobaby. You should know that I take shit from noone.

There comes a time when you just need to say goodbye and let go.

Note to Self

I deserve better! He has no right to punish me like this. Were we in a relationship hmmm? Isn't he the one who said that he has no right to hold me, that i can do what i want. Bloody hipocrit.

Does he think any of the other women who wanted to fuck him would give a damn about him... would they care about anything but the fact that he spends on them and shows them a good time.

Does he think he's being fucking faithful to me? He being married and all. Maybe now he might have some inclination of how much torture i go thru on a daily basis seeing him with someone else. No matter how platonic that relationship may be.

You know what Coo... I understand that ur trying to punish me. That's what ur doing. Well im not goin to let you punish me. True i made a mistake. But don't we all...? You're no saint either.

So im not gonna run behind you, or come crawling back for you to take me back. If you want me back and value me, then let me know. Otherwise just forget it! Forget 'Us'. Go back to ur life, and ur foriegn pals and ur player days.

I'm not going to let myself go through all this pain dammit! Bloody get off ur almighty high horse ur on! Or go screw urself.. since all the love i showed u means nothing to u!!

Im done.

Days that seem like years

What a painful 2 days it has been. I've been on auto-pilot. Just going thru the motions of my daily tasks. Im missing him with every breath i take. He's in every thought that crosses my mind.

I know that time will heal this wound of mine. I know that God will help me ease the pain. It's just sooo hard right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so helpless and alone. Every memory of us together tortures me. All the songs on the radio, even the roads i travel on.. it all reminds me of him. I miss him so much.

This may sound all corny.. but I love him so much. And maybe he never really loved me.. I dont know. All i know is I gave my love freely, I gave it all. With no reservation. No holding back. I literaly bared my soul to him. And now he's gone.

Maybe it's for the best. I just wish... wish he would atleast talk to me. After all the love i gave... he's going to hold this mistake against me, and not even talk to me or look at me..? Why? How can he hate me so much..?

Coobear

I have no reason to live without you Coobear.

Take my money. Take my furniture, take away everything. I dont want them. I can't live like this. I can't. I can't!!

Im trying but i can't!!! Cos everything, every moment, every thought, every memory hurts and hurts and hurts!!! I never knew how something could hurt soo much..

What happened to me? Where did I lose my will..? Why did i lose my heart?

I just want it all to end. Please God make it end. Please... I don't care anymore. I dont care!!!

I don't want my life!! I have no use for it. I don't need it! Nobody else needs it or would miss it either. So take it away...!! I dont want it!

Coo's gone!!!! He's not comming back this time and it's all my fucking fault!
Im so tired. So tired. God please make it end.. please...

Temporary bye to FB

Too many Q's in my mind... So i deactivated the FB account. It's temporary... I don't need these things on my mind. I really don't wanna know, i don't wanna care... and i really really don't need the drama.
Friday Nov. 5th 2010.

Im really tired. Really really really tired.

:(

I miss you.

Love

If this is how much he LOVES me....

It makes me wonder...

And it hurts...

Today, Nov 3rd, has been the worst day ever. I can't believe Coo hasnt responded to my FB msgs. In fact, he hasnt contacted me the whole day. Not one single txt. Not one single call. Nothing. It's like he died. And I died with him.

I cant bear this.

Deuces... Altered...

All that bullshit's for the birds
You aint nothin but a vulture
Always hopin for the worst
Waiting for me to fuck up
You’ll regret the day when I find another guy, yeah
Who knows just what I need, he'll knows just what I mean
When I tell him keep it drama free

Ohohohohohohohoh…
I told you that im leaving
I know you mad but so what?
I wish you best of luck
And now im finna throw them deuces up

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to him
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to him

Uh, Use to be valentines
Together all the time
Thought it was true love, but you know men lie
Its like I sent my love with a text two times
Call cause I care but I aint gettin no reply
Tryna see eye to eye but its like we both blind
Fuck it lets hit the club, i rarely sip but pour me some
Cause when its all said and done,
I aint gon be the one that he can always run to

I hate liars, fuck love Im tired of tryin
My heart big but it beat quiet
I don’t never feel like we vibin
Cause every time we alone its a awkward silence

So leave your keys on the kitchen counter
And gimme back that ruby ring with the big diamond
Shit is over, whatchu trippin for?
I don’t wanna have to let you go
But baby I think its better if I let you know

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to him
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to him

Look, my shorty always on some bullshit like Chicago
So I flip that middle finger and the index finger follow
Deuces, we aint got no future in tomorrow
I’m a chick, so it shouldn’t be that hard to swallow
The other guy Im with never complain
He make wanna leave the one im with Usher Raymond
Probably didn’t register, don’t trip, later on it will
Shorty full of drama like gangsta grizzles

I finally noticed it, it finally hit me
Like Tina did Ike in the limo, it finally hit me
I got a new guy, and he aint you
He paula patton thick he give me déjà vu
And all that attitude, I don’t care bout it
But all that shit I do for him, you gon hear bout it
Breezy rep two up, two down
But im just puttin two up, chuckin up the deuce now

Im on some new shit
Im chuckin my deuces up to him
Im moving on to something better, better, better
No more tryin to make it work
You made me wanna say bye bye, say bye bye, say bye bye to him

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to wake up, every day in the morning. I wish I could sleep forever. I wish I could continue living in my dreams: without the glaring brightness of reality.

I'm enjoying being at home these days. Not that it's a very happy experience, but for the simple matter that I like to be home alone and just basically laze around.

I hardly got any txts from anyone today. Not even from people who proclaim to love me. hahaha... funny shit. Guess everybody is just too fucking busy right. Work work work. That's the way the world turns. Too bad these people are too immature to realise that they would not like it if somebody gave them the same kinda treatment. They expect all the love and attention... but they don't know how to give it. What can I possibly say... 'screw that shit!'.

I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of loving. I'm tired of getting angry, of getting my feelings hurt. I'm just soooo bloody fucking tired of everything in my bloody fucking life...! Just very tired. Sigh... I wish God would listen to my prayers, and take the pain away by letting me die or something. Sighh. So tired. Soo fed-up. I'm tired of pretending, of putting a smile on my face for everyone to see... when i'm dying inside. and nobody really knows or really gives a shit anyways.
:'(

If anybody asked me, when i was a kid, what my biggest wish was, i would have said without hesitation "to die". That wish is still the same. Some wishes in life don't change.

Please give me something to numb the pain. Anything.