Knock Knock...Locked Out...

Sooooo... welcome back to the world of Me...!

So well.. since i last wrote... lots of things have been happening. Like, I had this major blow up with my mom, and she has officially kicked me out of the house. Like she seriously told me to find somewher else to live. Hahahah im actually happy about this. Of course im freaked out about the fact of actually having to stand on my own 2 feet.... wow.... no fallback to the home roost. But actually being on my own... wowowowowo...

So anyways... Luckily i have a pal whose angel enough to help me out.

So anyways, Romance wise.... well nothing outrageously new there.... things are still complicated. I mean physically wow.... emotionally messy... but im not goin to get emotionally involved.

Well.. sometimes life takes such a turn... that it leaves me with my head spinning on a axis.

Hit Me.....!!

Arrrrggggghhhhh....!!!!!
Me and my BIG mouth... Please, somebody please stuff my foot in my mouth the next time i open it...


Look at it this way, i can't explain it to C cos he's not really going to understand my reasons for telling my supervisor a few interesting facts about my life. As i see it, when you place your trust in someone, and let that person know that you're entrusting them with an important secret, that person is bound to keep it. Its a matter of honour.


And well, i believe that having a few people who know my secret, can be useful for me, in the event that i need someone to back me up or cover up for me. Nothing in life can be achieved alone. I've learned that much. Someitmes, having a good trust-worthy friend makes all the difference (concerning how much bullshit you can get away with...!)


So anyways, C was literally horrified to know that i had told certain facts to my supervisor. But please, i'm so not going to insult my supervisor by trying to even lie to him. Besides, he's a cool chap.


Anyways, life's been going on as as usual. Sometimes i wonder what the fuck i'm doing with it, but then again, aren't we all wondering that. I mean, career wise i've no complaints as such. But my personal home life is a mess. The more my parents keep pushing and trying to control my life, the more i want my freedom. But parents never realise things like that nah.


Love life is just complicated. It's so hard to trust my heart. He says he loves me. Do i believe him? I don't know. I have experienced true love. My definition of true love has a high bar. Hard to live up to.
I believe he may love me in his own way. But i'm not looking for love. I don't know what i'm looking for. If i'm looking for anything for that matter.


I'm not afraid to be alone. So why?


Ah.. as usual... confused.

Song for the day (it's been doing the rounds in my head) :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6U-TGahwvs

Is it the Rain?

Well, well i'm back. Lots of interesting things have been happening lately. Some good some bad.

So well, remember i mentioned that i asked one of my office pals to come dancing with me... well i changed my mind. I don't want him to come. Looks like he may have feelings of some sort for me. And, i'm totally pissed off with him. The shmuck!!

Anyways, so well saturday was a good day... (wink! wink!) Damn but i have a complicated romance life. Again i ask... why are all the sweet guys, who are also great in bed, and out of it, taken. Why is it that they are eaither bloody married or in a cmmited' relationship....??? Why oh  why....!!!???!!! Arrrggghhhh...!!!!

Oh okayyy... i'm calm. I'm calm... lol.

So ya. Guess Whaaaat..? I cried yesterday. I when to watch the movie 'Kites' and it was soooo sad that i cried. I was so happy i cried.... Which was totally anticlimactic.
And then after the movie... on the way home.... WOw wow wowowowo...

So yes. I came to the conclusion that i'm totally in a big big mess. Emotionally. I'm not sure if i'm just wanting something just because i know i can't have it, or is it because i really want it? Or am i on the rebound? But why does it hurt everytime i'm with him and he answers his cell or replies to a message? Why does it kill me when he's with me and he has to talk to his 'other half' about some mundane thing or another. It kills me. It hurts. And yet i stay. WTF...??

I know in my heart this obviously can't go on like this... There's no future in it - for me. I'd die a thousand times.
And then, he holds my hand and i forget my name, where i am, who i am... and it's all a whirlwind.

I know this is not what i need right now in my life. I don't need these complications. Yet who said all humans were logical creatures. We are suckers for passion and love and excitement. As with everything, i won't regret this. I will relish it while it lasts. And deal with the consequences when the time comes.

'I wish that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars: I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now....'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDHidcdJKiE Or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxraSJzWbt4&feature=related

At home, things are shittier than usual. I'm still technically grounded. I'm seriously comtemplating moving out and getting my own place. What the hell, i'm not a small child anymore to be grounded or have curfews or anything. I'm telling you, all this anger
and feelings is going to get me into trouble.

Oh well thats it for now...
Adios amigos...!!! Untill i catch you all later with more gory updates about my life.
:)

Among many long days...

Its nothing new, that every weekday is just another tiring long long day. Today was just one of those days that seemed to go on and on forever.

Well, we had one of our meetings today, at office. The only good thing about going for these meetings is that i get to meet up with all my pals. And have a nice face to face gossip with the gals/guys.

Hmmmm... so anyways.. we were planning on all going out clubbing one of these days, cos its been ages since we went out anywhere (office crowd). So can't wait till something is organised... cos its always so much fun.

Ahhhhrrrgggg... Why are all the good looking guys taken...?  It's so bloody unfair...! This sucks...! Me and pal were having this conversation about all the guys who can dance and who are cute being already taken...

Whats to be done....

Anyway, moving on to more intersting topics. It seems my 'secret' is now know to my boss.... who promised he would keep it to himself. Which i believe he will.

Hmmm... I'm listening to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3R0RHNHaU4 and its making me soooooo sad... its a strange song. But i like it alot.

I just realised something.... OMG OMG...!
I have NOT shed one single tear since i broke up. I haven't cried. For that or for anything. And i so badly wanna cry... i mean i want to really really cry... but i can't. Do you understand that feeling...? It sucks...!

Not too long ago, a sad song would have made me cry, a sad movie, a sad story, even a happy story.. would have brought tears to my eyes. Now nothing makes me cry. Nothing. If anybody raised their voice to me it would bring tears to my eyes. Now, i would probably scold them back. :(

I feel passion, I feel laughter, and happiness yet i can't feel any real pain. I would like to feel the pain.. just to know i still have the most important part of me. My sensitivity.

So confused sometimes... I feel so 'frozen'. The only Only real emotion that i actually feel is passion. Which is even more stranger....

What a wierd mood i'm in today...

Signing off for tonight... Adios amigos!

Just Another Day In Paradise...

So it's been another day at work. I'm sooooo dog tired! It seems that i went to work one day before i was actually supposed to show up... Ha ha ha.. jokes on me...

Ya.. so anyways... I didn't have much time on my hands to do any reflecting or anything today... (cos i was sooo darn busy!!) But well... the usual distractions are always there...

You know, i've realised that i have one major problem... It's this habit of hiding my feelings / my real thoughts / what i actually like and dislike.... I mean, i know that his practice of mine is really not the healthiest way to go about living my life: but i seem to have gotten so used to it now that it's hard to tell the difference.

Am i really that convincing...? Does every word that passes my lips sound so real? so true...? 
If someone askes me... 'Do you want this?' I would say no. And it would be a very convincing totally sincere sounding 'No'.

 But do you know what i would really be wanting (even without admiting it to myself), I'd want that person to do it anyway. The way i would... I never listen to anyone. See that is the secret of knowing a person. You know what they like, you remember things, even the smallest comment they make. About what they like, about what they want... even when they say they dont want it.

I guess it's true when they say 'Women are Complicated creatures'. In a way, it's not the guys fault also. You cannot expect a guy to read your mind... and cross reference everything you say... (wow! that would be very tiring...)

Ya.. well enough about that.

I've decided that i'm going to start my social dancing lessons. <here here.. thanks to the advise given to me by best freind # 1>
But i need to find a dancing partner, who can dance... so i was thinking of asking one of my pals at office... still awaiting confirmation in that regard.

I am so sleepy right now... remind me again why i'm staying awake... without hitting my comfy bed...?? Yeah yeah... i know why i'm staying awake... tho i really don't think i can keep my eyes open much longer.

Do you all want to know the song that suits my mood right now...?
Take a listen to this. It's an old song, but it's the song which has been doing the rounds in my head all day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAtevYRkv7Q

 I'm signing off for tonight... adios amigos.

Can you see the Clouds..?

So.. well i'm back again.... Ah.. loads of things have been happening in my life these past couple of days. Old friendships renewed, new friendships began and well... just a whole load if new things happening in my life.

Even though initially i was not looking forward to staying at home, now i'm happy i was literally forced to do so. As i have had the time to relax and reflect on my life.
Not that it's any more clearer than what it was before. But well, i like to think that there is some progress with regard to understanding my own mind. Ironic.

Well with regard to my romance life.... WOW... wow... Wow... i mean it can't get anymore complicated and interesting than this. Now, i dont mean i'm in love with anyone. Well, just that i'm quite enjoyin myself. (wink!)

Ha ha.. what a different person i've become. I think one could actually say that i'm evolving. (good/bad..? not quite sure...)

Sadly,  my nice long vacation will be comming to an end... and i'll be back at work. Working my ass off and trying to meet impossible deadlines.

Somethings never change.

And to top it all off... i seem to have a bit of a stalkerish friend. Who i'm desperately trying to ignore, and whose feelings i really don't want to hurt, and who has always been there for me - and to this person i'm being the total bitch. I just wish i knew how to handle the situation.
I'm just hoping that when i close my eyes and wake up, this situation would have dissapeared and he would be just the same guy i knew one year ago...

Its ironic how quickly life can change, in an instant.

Building Walls...

Ok.. so maybe i shouldn't be happy right... shouldn't i be sad and depressed? Which Im not... Well atleast i think im not... In fact, im just movin on with my life as usual. Minus all the night life.

Which means im bored at home... considering im on leave and all that. Exit boyfriend - Enter Facebook... ha ha ha... :)

My mind is a blank wall... most of the time... its like its not even there sometimes... am i just ignoring my thoughts... is this normal... well considering its me... i don't know.
Each day is just following another... time is just passing thru... and well.. im at a stand still kind of...

How do u find what exactly is the easy path and what exactly can be called the hard way... When both roads seem to have an almost equal amount of barriers.... how do i know which path i should take...

I wish i knew.

Hell & Back

Great... so im officially going to hell.. I mean im literally goin to hell..
What else can be expected from what im doing.... cuckoo....!!!!!

Crashing Dreams - Broken Thunder

So its 2 days after my... most public break up of a relationship of 4 years. And I'm wondering... what made me do it....? Why end something so secure and safe and.... normal....?
And the answer is... I don't Know.

Am I crazy.....?

No. wait. I do know why i did what i did. Hello...? I'm all for change...

A friend told me to 'find a purpose to my life'. When i was with him, talking to him, i found that purpose.
What do i do when anger takes over. When i just want to lash out and everyone and everything that surrounds me...?

What happens when love alone is not enough... ? Is this the mistake of a lifetime...? Is this the 1st thing in my life that i Might actually regret....?

Wow.. am i heartless... and selfish...?

or am i just another confused person trying to find his/her way....