Time, Patience, Love

There are moments when he drives me crazy,
There are moments when I just want to yell at him,
But he knows me well now.
He knows my temper.
He knows my love.
And he's patient.
How angry I get at him... How brutal my messages.
Well, he may deserve it...
But still...
Still he's sticks around.
Oh I don't understand this life.
And as hell I don't understand my heart.
My temper may simmer and boil for days,
Yet the moment I see him, the moment he's close-by.
Like rain on fire... my anger evaporates.
Gone.
Forgiven.
Like balm on a wound... I feel whole again.
What are we doing baby?
Where will we end up.
How long can we go on like this...
I do not know.
But I do know you love me,
And for now, it is enough.

What do I feel?

I've been dissapointed. Yes, that's the word. Dissapointed. Dissapointed with the way my life seems to have turned out. It's not as planned. 4 years ago, the plan was to marry, live comfotably in Canada or wherever, come to SL for vacations, take my sis to Canada for studies.. sigh. I made a choice, I changed my plans. I've noone to blame but myself of course.

Well, I don't regret making those changes. Im pretty sure I did the right thing by following my heart. It wasn't easy, but I did what i had to do.

I feel like I'm looking for something... yet I can't seem to find it, and I dont know what it is. It's sooo frustraiting knowing that something is out of your grasp. It's elusive.

I feel like im back in that place again... where I know I have to make a decision, yet i don't want to.  But it's constantly at the back of my mind that i need to make a choice. Every small incident that reminds me that certain things will never change, certain feelings can never be voiced.. it's like a slap across the face. It just reminds me what i try to forget. That I can't go on forever like this. I can't go on forever being with someone, who will never truely be with me.
It's just not fair! Not fair at all!

When i'm happy, im happy. And non of these thoughts come to mind. But when i get sad, when he does something to make me sad, then I wonder, 'what the hell an i doing? he doesn't appreciate me at all! what the hell am i doing?'

I wonder how he would feel if we were both on equal ground. If I was also married, if i also had a husband to take care of, if i also had a life apart from him, if i went shoppin with my husband, if i had a wedding anniversary to celebrate, if i spent/celebrated new yr/christmas etc with my husband... how would he feel...? In such a instance we would be on equal ground. Yeah, then I guess I wouldn't feel so bad. Cos i'll be living the same way he is right....

Laugh Laugh... I don't know men. Im sooo sick and tired of this life. Just so tired. If i could wish my life away I would. I feel like I was put on this earth to give and give. All the men i've been with, i've given them what they needed the most. The best friend, love, someone to talk to, lover... And yes, they loved me back. But DID they love me back because they loved me? No. They all loved me back because they loved how i made them feel, not cos they really loved 'Me'. Did they take care of me? Except for J, nope, non of them did.

Im not a user. Im not a bitchy person. Yet I don't remember the last time i was pleasantly suprised(ok.. so there was 1 time...). I dont remember the last time someone gave me a gift or a card... Not even anyone from my familly, not even my mother or brother. Noone.

When i go shoppin im thinking 'is there anything my sis will like??', 'will coo like this, do they hav jujubs?', 'do they have nice cufflinks?', 'i must bring my mom and sis out here for dinner...', 'when i have money must gift her(mom) with a voucher from the salon to go for a massage'... 'this card is soooo for r*d* :)' .......... these are the things im thinking. For what?? huh?? what??

Sigh... cos i love them. I love giving to them.
There's the sayin. 'Do unto other, as you would do unto yourself'

Someday, someone, will return the favor.

Vday

Valentine's day is comming up. Sigh... Just another day out of 365 days of the year.

Sleepy confusion...

I need to sleep... but i cant seem to fall asleep. I keep waking up... I want to sleep! Properly sleep. :(

I guess there's too many thoughts running thru my head. Too many questions, what ifs, why nots etc... I need some peace of mind.

What if I had never initiated that conversation about the fan with coo... what if I never said ok to go on that movie date with him... what if I never chatted with him on msn... what if I never made love to him that time we went clubbing... what if I never opened up to him, trusted him and let myself fall in love with him.... what if?? What if??

Would I have come across some nice single guy? Would I have met a guy who wasn't a jerk, but someone who really cared, loved me and wanted to be with me?
Or would I have ended up with the wrong type of people.. people like yb/m/a/s etc..?

Might I have fallen in love with someone else.... like c*a***a, who's changed in the last 5 yrs... doesn't drink/smoke anymore... single, has a steady job, nice guy, not a player anymore... could there have been something there?

I'm sooo confused right now. I love Coo! I do. But just sometimes I wonder what might have been you know...

I was thinking about the good things that have happened to me since i've got to know him... and wow.. there are many. Because of coo... I was able to stay away from the wrong type of people, who given my nature, I might have got invoved with under other circumstancs. Cos of him, I learnt that my body is capable of great feeling... the physical kind ( and emotional too) :)
Because of him I've had many beautiful experiences, He brought sooo much of laughter into my life. So much love. So much feeling. Hell, even my pals liked him.

But I keep asking myself, what do you really want?? What?
Will I have all those normal things/relationships that normal people have...? Will i be able to hold on to those things. Because I know how easily I get bored...

What if i'm not capable of such relationships. I'm a unique person... it's what attracts the male species to me... I dont seek out the attention. Im just me. Simply me. Straight forward, open, passionate, easy to talk to... Me.
What if being 'Me' is the whole problem?

I want a guy who will love me, who will make my heart race when he touches me, a guy who can take care of me, a guy who will come home to me.
I want a man who i can go out to dinner with, go shoppin with, go for movies with. So many things normal couples do together, and take for granted... I don't have that and I want to be able to do those things with the person I love.
I want to be able to tell the whole world who i'm in love with, and not worry who knows or what they think.

I want a familly, a home, a loving life together with the person i love. I want vacations together, nights together, breakfast together...

You see Coobaby.. I am very confused. I love you. Who you are, the way you are. I love the way you make me feel when we are together. I love how we connect physically.
Yet I can't have it all with you can I... Everything I want from a relationship, I can't have with you. And it breaks my heart.

The very thought of leaving you is unbearable. I don't know what to do baby. I really don't know. I want you, I need you. Yet your the most out of limits thing in my life right now.

Boring? Me? Hmph!

If there's 1 thing i've realised about my life... it's rarely boring. It's never short of men, and only gets boring cos i make it that way... I mean it's the funniest thing right. Guys seem to get the same urges at almost the same time.
For eg: Mr A might text me saying 'hi...'. Almost immediately I get another 2 or 3 msgs from Mr B/C/D...I mean it is soooooo hilarious. And believe it or not.. even Coo will txt around the same time. Hahahahah... funny. Most of the time I just ignore the texts cos i really cant be bothered replying. But well... the male psychy is sooo wierd right?? lol

Yesterday was a interesting day of sorts. Traumatising yes. Had a bit of fun with my pals yes... overall wierd. Yes very wierd.

I really should try to figure out what it is that triggers my depressive mood swings men. It's really annoyin. Logic just doesn't prevail in such instances.

Coo got upset with me  yesterday afternoon and ddnt talk to me till today morning. You can imagine what a lousy nights sleep i got. come to think of it, i don't really think i slept at all. :( Yeah... story of my life right??

Sometimes I read these posts of mine and i think to myself... ' you gotta be kidding! did I write this.. this is so drepressing and sad and soppy and all lovey dovey and shit...' But you know what, yes I did write it, and yes it's sad and lovey dovey... lol. Can you belive that?? Me? writting 'lovey' things... lol. How i have changed...
Life sure is crazy like that.

Life

What is Life?
If not the painful day to day existence.
Life.
I don't want it.
Never did.
For as long as I remember....
I questioned my existence.
Life.
A bucket full of tears.
A heart filled with pain.
A mind filled with turmiol and confusion.
Happiness.
A temporary cooling breeze, always passin by.
So rare, such moments.
So rare.
Dreams.
The creativity of my mind.
My escape from reality.
So many dreams... everytime I close my eyes.
Im tired.
Just very tired.
Of life.

Who gives a shit anyways right??

Sometimes.... I feel... all alone.
Irrational as it sounds, untrue it may be...
I just can't shake off that feeling of loneliness.
Do I ask too much of the people in my life?
Do I expect too much?
Or is it that I give out too much of myself and lose the balance?
Why can't I laugh away my feelings? Why can't it go away?
Why doesn't the depression stay away for good...?
Why am I sad? I don't know! I really don't!
Sometimes, it just becomes unbearable... why?
What's wrong with me?
I don't understand...
I know the logic, yet I can't reconcile the feeling.
I just want to be at peace with my mind.
I don't want to feel anything...
I'm tired of feeling like a pendulum...
Extreme Happy... Extreme Sad...
Happy/sad.
Happy/sad.
I'm trying to control it... I'm trying.
I know nobody will understand.
Or really care.
And that's okay.