I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder... What is Love...? Don't you wish you had a gadget or something from which we could measure if someone loves us truely..? What a laugh life is... what a joke!

I hate my weekends sometimes... I used to love weekends. They used to be so happening. Weekends used to make me happy. Now it just makes me sad.

Last night Coo chose to stay at a stupid beech party than come be with me... irrespecive of where I was going... Does it really matter...? I mean he should want to be with me. He should, for once, do something for me that would make me happy.
And he dissapointed me so much last night. So dissapointed with the way he went about things. I felt so alone. So fucking alone. I didn't have any choice but to stay with Amy and them... If not i would have just come home. I stayed there, with them, cos I wanted to see him, be with him. But i guess i just wasted my time. Cos he was busy, and then he says that he fell asleeep, and that my cell was off... I mean what the fuck??

I missed him so  much. Oh i wish i didn't love him the way i do. My life would be so much more easier. But I do. and that love doesn't seem to get any less. :(

He's Always on my mind... I can't stop thinking about him. Or wanting him, or loving him. I mean, I try to look at other guys and think, 'I should give him a try', or 'isn't he cute...' but then i am reminded of Coo and I think, 'can he dance like Coo?' 'Coo has nicer eyes...' or something like that... and that's it. I am not in the least bit attracted to anyone else. Noone else can make me feel the way i feel for Coo.

Where is this love going to take us. We fight and argue.. and make up.. and break up... so bloody often... yet we keep going back to each other. What kind of love is this? What is this passion we share that drives us crazy? And causes so much trouble at the same time..? What is this bond we seem to have, which we can't seem to break...?

I don't understand his life. I don't understand how he can continue to be with her, continue to go about his life, the mundane things... with her. Even though they don't live together. Isn't he living the ultimate Lie..? I don't know the whole story so I guess i don't have the right to judge. Maybe he loves his wife still, maybe she still loves him too... I wish i knew.. i wish i could analise things... make them fit in to perfect squares.

And amidst it all... I still Love him. :(

Can't Breathe

It's 3 am in the morning and I can't sleep.
I miss having you next to me.
I miss your warmth.
I miss your arms around me.
I miss waking up and putting the coverlet over you.
I miss the sound of your breathing while you sleep
I miss resting my palm on your chest and feeling the beat of your heart.
I miss watching you while you sleep.

I just miss you so much I can't breathe...

You

I miss you.

I know you're too busy to spend time with me. But i want to let you know, that I miss You. Im not txting you cos... what's the point... you're too busy anyways.

So it's just me, myself and I right now. There's no point going anywhere, or being with anyone else, or trying to do anything else... cos i can't get you out of my mind. So im just staying alone at home... wrappen up in my thoughts. In my sadness. Imprisoned by my own heart...

Lost.. as usual... Im very lost.

Pickin up the Peices

When dreams fall apart,
How do you peice them back together again?
When someone breaks your heart,
Who will be able to take away your pain?
When the storm clouds block out the sun,
How will you know when the sun shall shine again?
My life is like the sea...
The rising tide... the ebbing waves... they remind me of me.
I wish those waves would wash away the memories drawn in the sand.
The memories of you and me.

Hmmmm...

So im home, alone, and hungry.
I have a headache, a heartache, and im hungry.
Im bored, at home, and im... hungry.

Did i mention that im hungry? :(

Story of my life

So we go on and on in this romantic tragedy.. which takes up a better part of my thought space in my mind...

So the long weekend is comming up, and my friends have organised to go to Hikka. They asked me and, well, i asked Coota. Coo ddn't obviously sound too trilled about it cos certain persons would also be goin.

How is it, that the thought of leaving him here in Colombo, and me going to hikka can made me feel so lousy? I mean not like staying in colombo would enable me to see him or spend time with him, cos he has things to take care of. Which would anyway make me depressed. At the same time, My heart is just not it when i think about heading down to Hikka with my pals. I feeleven more depressed. I mean, What the hell is wrong with me....?

Wish i could just forget him.. wipe him from my memory. But then.. How can i wipe him from my memory. I Love him. I wouldn't trade anything for the bestest moments i've shared with him.

And then... he goes and behaves like the person i hate him behaving like. The workaholic. I hardly got a txt  from him today. Neither did i get any IM s from him today, unless it was in reply to something i sent. :(
I hate it when he's like that. I miss him. And when he's like that it makes me feel as if he's forgotten me, or can't be bothered with me.
Am i being immature...? Selfish...? Or could it be that he's just really busy and doesn't have the time...?

Sighhh..........

Please someone... rip out my heart, my feelings, my memories... and burn them. Please. Cos while being with him is heaven.. Loving him is hell... Missing him... well.. there's just no words to describe how that feels like.

Life's such a sorry business when u get caught in the tangle of emotions isn't it..

Im sad...

I should know by now not to expect anything from him. I mean... if he says he's gonna come at a certain time.. if its in the afternoon.. add a coulpe of hours, if its in the night add about 30 mins to the ETA.

If he says he's gonna spend the day with me... it ain't going to happen. If he says he meeting me in the morning... he'll come in the afternoon. If he says he's meetiong me in the afternoon.. he'll come in the late evening or night.

Remind me again... No. Don't. Don't remind me.

Promises...

How easy it is to make a promise.... And it's even more easier to break it.
How easy it is to fall in love with someone... When it's the last thing you meant to do.

Why... Do I love Him?

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him.



Where does the love end...? How can things ever be over between us? When sometimes it feels like it's hardly begun.

But i have changed... somewhere in the last week.. I've learnt how to deal with certain things. Gone are the times i would ask him 'what he's been up to? Where s he been?' etc.. I mean, i still wonder about those things... but i don't ask him anymore and i try to push those thoughts out of my mind. I think it has something to do with the fact that, I really believe it s none of my effing business. If he wants to tell me I'd be more than happy to know.. but if he doesn't tell me.. well then.. that s that. I keep myself occupied and let him do his thing... and i don't ask him what he's been up to. If for some reason he hurts my feelings or  upsets me... i don't let him know. I say nothing. I put my famous smile.. the smile that hides every feeling in my heart... and pretend that everything is okay. And before all, everything is okay.

Do i love him any less...? No.

But something someone said stuck in my mind. He's not mine. What right do I have to question what he does, when he doesn't belong to me... I tell him everything i do.. because that's just the way I am. I'm transparent and clear as water.  Bu he is not me. And I have accepted him the way he is.

Maybe I'm being stupid again. Maybe I'm being naive and crazy. I don't know. All I know is... I don't want anyone else. I may admire them form a distance... But there isn't anyone who can make me feel alive as much as Coo does. 

I wish I understood things better.. I wish... I wish... So many things.

Has the curtain fallen??

So i spoke to him and we came to the decision that we would just be freinds. OMG... he was so sad... Sometimes i feel so confused. Sometimes i wonder if he does really love me? or is it all a pretense? Friends who know him tell me, If he can lie so well and cover his tracks to the woman he married, what make you think he would think twice about lying to you...? And they do have a point. But then there s a part of me that feels he does care. He does love me. Or is that just me being naive...?

I know he can change things, change the circumstances we're in if he wants. True, it wont be easy, but he can. He just wont. He has his excuses because he's afarid to take that action. He's afriad. He may love me. BUT, He doesn't love me ENOUGH. Not enough to make him want to be with me. It's sad.

All i can say is... I'll trust in God's plan for my life. Cos i don't understand what the hell is going on and where the heck my life is leading to.

His a silly boy, Stupid, silly boy. He's letting go of ME. I know there is NOONE like me. Noone who would understand him or love him the way i do. Of course i would never put up with any shit nonsense from him. I'd kick his ass to the curb. But i love him.

Even tho we are apart now... sometimes it still feels like he's in my life. When i see him, my heart still skips a beat. When i'm angry with him, and he just talks to me.. he can make my anger just dissapear and he calms me down. Noone has ever had that effect on me. But he does. And i know my anger is a force to be recconed with. LOL.

After all the emotoinal drama, after all the times he's left me waiting for him.. how is it still possible tat he's the first things on my mind when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep...?

Will he ever pick me...? Will he ever choose me? Will he ever love me enough to be with just me?

Did he just lie to my face?

Im lost. So lost.
I've lost track of what is a lie and what is not. THe sroties are so confusing. I cant take this anymore.

Loving youi is Heaven, missing you is Hell

I love you.
I miss you.
I need you, more than you know.
:(

Pending Talks...

Yeah... So we are supposed to have this ''Talk''. Hmmmm... and it's supposed to be before sunday. But boy, if he doesn't start talking by sunday... well... somebody gonna get a hurt real bad...
And I don't even mean that in a funny way.

All i can say to myself is, he's a idiot!! He's still growing up. Dammit I feel ancient sometimes compared to him. He has sooo much to experience and understand, human psychology-wise. Sighhh.. what to do. I also go and fall for this idiot nah. I'm also another faaaaking idiot.
Bunch of idiots we all are.

Can someone please knock some sense into him...? Please...?

workaholics!!!

OMG...!!! I hate people who are married to their fucking jobs...!!! Don't they realise that people are more important than their fucking job? What the hell man... arrrgggghhhh!!!!
Im sooo fucking pissed and annoyed and bored out of my mind right now. It's depressing!
Why can't I find myself a decent guy who actually treats me right, who actually has TIME to SPEND with ME...?? ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I just feel like hitting somebody!!!! But there isn't anyone around to hit. I feel like screaming my head off, but i can't cos the landlord might freak out!!!
Remind me again, WHAT THE FUCK am i doing with him....? I mean i could pick any guy to fuck around with, so what am i doing with HIM...??? Why am i being sooooo bloody faithful to him, when the bloody fool doesnt even have time to spare for me...?!!!??!! Nooooo.... He doesnt even have time to reply to a fucking sms. I mean i know he's bogged down with work... but come on!!! How long would it take him to take his phone out and type 'Did u get home babe? sorry im bathing wit wrk, dont be mad, love you'????
Bloody fool!! Idiot!! Arrrgggggggghhhhhh!!

Im a bigger idiot for sticking with him...!! Will somebody just shoot me...? now? please...?!!!!

The bloody fucker doesn't even give a fuck!

Peace reigns at home

Well, atleast one part of my life is peaceful at least, for now. Home life, mom, bro etc... are relatively back to normal. Doesn't mean i'm going to be running back home anytime soon. Hell no! I love my freedom and independence way o much for that. :)

But well, I'm happy to know that things have sorted themselves out between me and my mom.

He won't let me walk away...

How can I go when he askes me to stay?
How can I turn my back on someone when he asks for my understanding?
How can I ignore a friend when he says he has problems...?
How can I?

My Ocean

I think about my life, and i realise, how much i've learned. I've learned from all the relationships i've been in. soo many things.
And i'm still learning. Thru all the hurt and pain... i do believe i'm actuall y getting older and wiser. Funny as that may sound.

I've learned how to handle certain people, how to make relationships work, how to test relationships... soo many things.

But most of all... I've learned how to love. Well i'm still learning. There are so many variations of love. All i'm so luck y to have been loved and to have loved in the strongest possible way.

In this life we live... we place so much weightage on money. But in reality, what we really need in out lives is genuin real unwavering love. And do we get it? very rarely.

Sometimes I feel as if people are growing so cold. So fake. so unreal. Why are we like this. We lose ourselves in this jungle of life and money. Trying to make ourselves happy by hanging on to all the material things. Money, prestige, being married to a rich person even though you may not really love him/her, Since when did we start putting up with less than what we deserve...?

Im not goin to be that person anymore, who settles for less. No. I need, I deserve much much more than this. Much more love, much more care and attention, I need to be the top of his priorities.

It doesnt matter that my love is turning me in to the walking dead. A living zombie. They say time heals all wounds. I know that in time, i will heal somewhat. But oh until such time... how life is goin to hurt.

My Coo

If you know he's not a part of your life,
Could it be that he was never meant to be?
If you can't breathe when you're not with him,
Could it be that his kiss could make you feel alive?
And yet, He cannot see what's right in front of his eyes...
My Love.
Lips that belong to him.
Eyes that see only him.
Hands that want to hold only him,
And a fire that burns only for him.
I could say- Love me. Pick me. Choose me...
But i can't.
How i wish i had that right, But i don't...
I don't.
My Coo, I can't be with you.
I can't imagine my life without you.
And then I miss you......