Vday

Valentine's day is comming up. Sigh... Just another day out of 365 days of the year.

Sleepy confusion...

I need to sleep... but i cant seem to fall asleep. I keep waking up... I want to sleep! Properly sleep. :(

I guess there's too many thoughts running thru my head. Too many questions, what ifs, why nots etc... I need some peace of mind.

What if I had never initiated that conversation about the fan with coo... what if I never said ok to go on that movie date with him... what if I never chatted with him on msn... what if I never made love to him that time we went clubbing... what if I never opened up to him, trusted him and let myself fall in love with him.... what if?? What if??

Would I have come across some nice single guy? Would I have met a guy who wasn't a jerk, but someone who really cared, loved me and wanted to be with me?
Or would I have ended up with the wrong type of people.. people like yb/m/a/s etc..?

Might I have fallen in love with someone else.... like c*a***a, who's changed in the last 5 yrs... doesn't drink/smoke anymore... single, has a steady job, nice guy, not a player anymore... could there have been something there?

I'm sooo confused right now. I love Coo! I do. But just sometimes I wonder what might have been you know...

I was thinking about the good things that have happened to me since i've got to know him... and wow.. there are many. Because of coo... I was able to stay away from the wrong type of people, who given my nature, I might have got invoved with under other circumstancs. Cos of him, I learnt that my body is capable of great feeling... the physical kind ( and emotional too) :)
Because of him I've had many beautiful experiences, He brought sooo much of laughter into my life. So much love. So much feeling. Hell, even my pals liked him.

But I keep asking myself, what do you really want?? What?
Will I have all those normal things/relationships that normal people have...? Will i be able to hold on to those things. Because I know how easily I get bored...

What if i'm not capable of such relationships. I'm a unique person... it's what attracts the male species to me... I dont seek out the attention. Im just me. Simply me. Straight forward, open, passionate, easy to talk to... Me.
What if being 'Me' is the whole problem?

I want a guy who will love me, who will make my heart race when he touches me, a guy who can take care of me, a guy who will come home to me.
I want a man who i can go out to dinner with, go shoppin with, go for movies with. So many things normal couples do together, and take for granted... I don't have that and I want to be able to do those things with the person I love.
I want to be able to tell the whole world who i'm in love with, and not worry who knows or what they think.

I want a familly, a home, a loving life together with the person i love. I want vacations together, nights together, breakfast together...

You see Coobaby.. I am very confused. I love you. Who you are, the way you are. I love the way you make me feel when we are together. I love how we connect physically.
Yet I can't have it all with you can I... Everything I want from a relationship, I can't have with you. And it breaks my heart.

The very thought of leaving you is unbearable. I don't know what to do baby. I really don't know. I want you, I need you. Yet your the most out of limits thing in my life right now.

Boring? Me? Hmph!

If there's 1 thing i've realised about my life... it's rarely boring. It's never short of men, and only gets boring cos i make it that way... I mean it's the funniest thing right. Guys seem to get the same urges at almost the same time.
For eg: Mr A might text me saying 'hi...'. Almost immediately I get another 2 or 3 msgs from Mr B/C/D...I mean it is soooooo hilarious. And believe it or not.. even Coo will txt around the same time. Hahahahah... funny. Most of the time I just ignore the texts cos i really cant be bothered replying. But well... the male psychy is sooo wierd right?? lol

Yesterday was a interesting day of sorts. Traumatising yes. Had a bit of fun with my pals yes... overall wierd. Yes very wierd.

I really should try to figure out what it is that triggers my depressive mood swings men. It's really annoyin. Logic just doesn't prevail in such instances.

Coo got upset with me  yesterday afternoon and ddnt talk to me till today morning. You can imagine what a lousy nights sleep i got. come to think of it, i don't really think i slept at all. :( Yeah... story of my life right??

Sometimes I read these posts of mine and i think to myself... ' you gotta be kidding! did I write this.. this is so drepressing and sad and soppy and all lovey dovey and shit...' But you know what, yes I did write it, and yes it's sad and lovey dovey... lol. Can you belive that?? Me? writting 'lovey' things... lol. How i have changed...
Life sure is crazy like that.

Life

What is Life?
If not the painful day to day existence.
Life.
I don't want it.
Never did.
For as long as I remember....
I questioned my existence.
Life.
A bucket full of tears.
A heart filled with pain.
A mind filled with turmiol and confusion.
Happiness.
A temporary cooling breeze, always passin by.
So rare, such moments.
So rare.
Dreams.
The creativity of my mind.
My escape from reality.
So many dreams... everytime I close my eyes.
Im tired.
Just very tired.
Of life.

Who gives a shit anyways right??

Sometimes.... I feel... all alone.
Irrational as it sounds, untrue it may be...
I just can't shake off that feeling of loneliness.
Do I ask too much of the people in my life?
Do I expect too much?
Or is it that I give out too much of myself and lose the balance?
Why can't I laugh away my feelings? Why can't it go away?
Why doesn't the depression stay away for good...?
Why am I sad? I don't know! I really don't!
Sometimes, it just becomes unbearable... why?
What's wrong with me?
I don't understand...
I know the logic, yet I can't reconcile the feeling.
I just want to be at peace with my mind.
I don't want to feel anything...
I'm tired of feeling like a pendulum...
Extreme Happy... Extreme Sad...
Happy/sad.
Happy/sad.
I'm trying to control it... I'm trying.
I know nobody will understand.
Or really care.
And that's okay.

We are getting Better

I cannot explain what's going on between Coo and me. Lately... we have been spending more time together... like atleast once a week he makes time to go out for a coffee after work or something... and he comes over more often.. txts more often... he actaully cares what im upto? where i am? wher im going? what im buyin?

Wow... im amazed. Something has changed. Ever since the last time i tried to break up with him, and with he begging me to please give him another chance... he's become a different person. Almost.

I'm more in love with him than ever before. And he is more in love with me than before too.. it's crazy. We've both changed. I mean... I can't explain it... just that we've grown closer to each other. He's so sweet at times. I love him sooo much! But if he pisses me off again he knows that im soo gonna dump his nice ass. :)

Yay :(

So... todays another #@#$% day... as usual. I tried breaking up with him again.... that ddint work out.

Today is his wedding anniversary... yippeeeee... He was supposed to come see me today... but he suddenly realised that today is the anniversary. Joy for me.

Fuck fuck fuck... Im such a fuckin idiot!