2011

So 2010 is over. 2011 begins... I want to feel happy and expectant... but all i feel is sad and gloomy. It wsa a lonely Christmas... and it's gonna be a lonely 31st night. I can't be with the one i want to be with when the clok strikes 12. so that just feels like a great way to start the new year. (sarky laugh)

I'm so lonely broken angel, im so lonely listen to my heart....

Sometimes...

Fuck Love, Sometimes I get tired of trying...

Arash ft. Helena - Broken Angel هلنا آرش

So wierd...

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me men... Im in like such a lousy mood these days. Im feeling so down and depressed. I love christmas, but this christmas sucks! What christmas with all the crap going on at home... Didn't even put up the tree this time. I didn't even bother to buy anyone presents. One reason being im too broke to do so.. and the other is that... whats the point...?

I just feel like crying men.. I wanna have a good cry. I just feel so tired sometimes. Like what's the point of everything... It's a sure lonely depressing christmas this year. sigh... Maybe i'll be like Mr Bean and buy myself a gift and wrap it up.. and write myself some xmas cards and slip it under my door... lol... yeah.. that sounds like a sad plan.

whatever... It's just christmas. It's Christmas dammit!

What the bloody fuck!!!

Argh!!!

I wish i didn't feel anything when he said that he was going xmas shoppin with wife and baby... wish my heart wasn't so sensitive to things like that. There are moments.. when things just hurt. And even though i know that there's nothing to do about it... i cannot stop the pain from hitting me full force.

I hardly texted him today. What to say ne..? Can i ask...' so hows the shopping going? what did you buy your wife?' Yeah right. Sigh.... I accept that she exists.. but still things hurt me.. that's a fact.

Damn but i miss him. But im not gonna text him or call him. If he wants to contact me then let him. Dum-di-dum di dum...!

Fuck love... sometimes i get tired of trying.

Lonesome

Hmmmm... Im feeling a bit lonely today. :( life. Anyways, im at my mom s place babysittin my sis for a few days... :/ and im missin my nice cool bed at batta. Sigh....

Coobaby s been busy all day shifting house... So i've hardly heard a peap outta him all day. Anyways... Me spent my whole day jst lazin in bed... And i can't underdtand how it is i can still bee so sleepy..
Hmmmm miss him. Gosh i realy wish i had a nice long vacation to look forward to. Which i dont sadly. Sighhhhh.....

Tired

Soooooooooooo tired. Work work and more work. I need another vacation. And I need it fast.

To make things even better... my immediate familly is having a war with my mom and step dad. I mean.... do they even know what all these fights and arguments are about..?? Sometimes adults are sooo crazy. They fight and argue about the dumbest things.

Wish things can go back to being they way they were with my familly. Im fed up of all this arguments. Thank God i don't live at home anymore. God sure is great and merciful.

Me miss my Coobaby. He's still at work. :(

Alright :)

Phew.. so all is well. Coo didn't take it in a bad way. He didn't leave me or anything. In fact.. he's being a bit more loving since then. Like txting and IM'ing me and all. Guess he's missin me.

We'r working thru things... giving each other space and not expecting too much in return.

Lets see how this goes...

Haiyoooo..!!

Why the fuck cac't i lie for once. Today coo asked me if i'd kissed anyone else. To tell him, he promised he wouldn't get mad. So well, me being the honest strait forward person that i am (unfortunately).. said 'yes'... id kissed ____ at this place... when i was really really drunk. (here im refering to ____'s brother).

No reply since then. Either he has fallen asleep before he saw my reply, or he's once again too upset to reply or answer my calls.

God please help me..!! I don't want to base my life on a bunch of lies... Especailly i can't lie to him.. So PLEASE... please don't take him away from me again.
:'(

But if he wants to go... well then that's the way it is. HE's a free man.

Fuck Fuck Fuck!!!... This is what they call having a past that comes back to haunt huh.. Fuck!!

What now?

He came back. I went back. Whichever way you look at it.

Now i'm wondering if i was better off when he was not there. Sure i missed him like crazy. But I had forgotten all the other feelings. I had fogotten the jealousy i felt when he was around other women, I had forgotten how insecure i felt when he was not with me, I had forgotten those feelings of mistrust. I hate all these feelings. I hate the fact that he takes forever to reply to a msg, if it's a msg he doesnt like, or doesnt want to answer to.

I hate so many feelings that he brings out in me.. . Is it worth it..?

All those good times and feelings.. are they worth the constatnt bad feelings?? Moments like that when i'm with him im the happiest i can be?  While we are sleeping he reaches out to me and just hugs me close..? That he makes me laugh..? He says he is lost. But I think im more lost than he is.

I broke the trust he had in me... and now even tho he's back in my life, it feels different. It feels like he's distancing himself from me. And the only time i have all his attention, the only time he lets down his gaurd, and the only time i can get close to him is when we're together, which is rare. Which is what drives me most crazy.

I feel i should have just stayed away. True, being without him was driving me crazy. But I know, i would have moved on. True, i was going a bit wild, but i would have calmed down.

Now im back in that fucking emotional place, where trust and patience is overrated and hard to come by.

I love him. I know he loves me still too. I feel it everytime he touches me, or pulls me close to him. I feel it in every kiss. In the way he rests his head on my chest and hugs me close... I know he loves me. No-one can pretend that good or bother to go to that much trouble to pretend.

If only he'd reply to his fuckin msgs, if only he'd make more time for me. I would be just happy. That's all i ever asked from him ( everytime we fought) and that's all he doesnt give me.

Coobaby you drive me crazy in more ways than one. Argh!!

And here He comes...

So Coo IM's me yesterday... saying, 'Baibeeboo'.

I nearly die.

There ensues a conversation abt the past, how he misses me... Torture. What does he want me to do....?? I dont know.

I dont know.

Just when I think im getting better... he comes around and reminds me just how much i love him. Just how much I miss him... And the pain starts all over again.

Tell me babes, tell me what is wrong with you and me. Why cant we let go of each other...??

I need you.