Happiness...

I want to feel happiness again. I don't wan to feel down and sad all the time. I've been thinking what will make me happy.. and i concluded that if i change my entire life, i can find happiness.

1- change my job
2- completely change my place of work
3- get out of the complicated relationship i'm in
4- go out there and find someone who's willing to put me 1st in his life
5- Love someone strong enough to get married
6- have a husband rich enough to take care of me (and maybe i can stay at home and be a housewife??)
7- have kids
8- have a hubby who comes home to me and who i can take care of
9- go to church (that is way up there in the  list)
10- have enough cash to buy the things needed at home (for mom and familly)
11- have a husband who's faithful to me and who think of me as his entire universe


Show me the path to happiness... and i'm afraid i do not have the courage to follow. Nor the strength or the will to push myself towards it.

1 year Anniversary

OMG...!! I can't believe that for tomorrow, it'll be 1 year since I've been with Coo. A year of lots of laughter, tears, fights, arguments and love. Of break-ups and make-ups. Of passion and anger.

And wow... i still love him, even more than i did in the beginning. I still need him... need his attention and his love more than before.

1 Year. Oh the memories of that year.... I can never forget them.

Baby.. you're my everything.

Why ignore me?

Very soon it will all be over won't it. It'll all be just a long memory. Just something in the past. Just something in the past.

I'm tired!

I'm tired of everything mamma... I'm tired. I wish I could tell these things to you in person, but I cant. Because I know you will worry your heart out.

I'm so tired Mamma. I don't wanna live. Sometimes it feels like this life is too heavy a burden. I'm tired of trying to be strong. I try to be strong like you, I try... But i'm not strong enough.

Everything hurts mamma. The lies, the job, the people, the fakeness... I'm tired of everything. Everything. I'm even tired of eating. Mamma.. I wish i could come home more often. But then you'd see how often I get sad... and you would worry. You'd see how late I work, and you would worry. And I don't want you to.

I want you to think your daughter is happy. That's she's doing a job she loves. That she's with people who love her. That she's not alone. That she takes care of herself and eats on time. That she has enough money to spend.

I wish I could tell you about Coo. How much I love him. And how I obviously can't have him. I wish I could tell you about my problems... but I know you have enough of your own.

I'm so tired mamma. And I don't know what to do.

Fire

You set fire to my world, you make me burn.
You make me simmer with rage and lust-
and you make me yearn.
There are things that I want, things I can't have.
Things I want to do with you, places I want to go.
Moments I want to spend with you,
A life I cannot share.
And yet... you see me holding on.
Loving you.
Missing you.
Wanting you.
And nothing changes.

Exhausted

I'm sooo exhausted.... So bloody tired! I don't know if I'm sitting, walking or standing. Haven't eaten dinner in ages. In fact i'm just too tired.

Work.. Oh my gosh i need a fucking vacation. Working 14 to 16 hourse a day is NOT healthy.

:'(