Losing Myself

I have so many things in my mind, yet I can't articulate. 

Too many thoughts running around in my head, yet I can't put them down

It's like there are people yelling constantly in my mind.

Non stop.

Unrelenting.

Where is the quiet?

I feel distressed, depressed, lost.

I feel like I'm losing something precious,

Yet I don't know what it is.

I want peace

I want quiet

I want to sit and stare in to nature

I want to lose myself for a moment in tranquility.

What is it I truly want?

What is it that I truly need?

I do not know.

This is the pit I am in.

I can say 'pick me, choose me, love me'

But what I really mean to say is 'Save me'.

Heartbreak Island...

I'm waiting for the day it all stops hurting. I'm waiting for the day I can trust again. Love again. I feel lost. So very lost. I don't know where to turn to. I don't know what to do or how to deal with the pain of losing you again. Now I can say I've really burned this bridge. Truly irreparable unless I forgive you and you forgive me for my revengeful actions.

It was too much to hope for that you could stay without lying for at least a month. Too much to hope. How I planned your birthday. How I was waiting to take you out... Waiting.. now it seems for nothing.

I am trying so hard to move on from all of this mess. This sticky, revengeful, emotionally destructive  crazy mess i'm in. I just want to put it behind me. I want to be happy dammit. I want to feel normal. Not like a half crazed person.

I keep asking myself.. what happened. What went wrong. What mistakes I made to lose it all. Was it all on me....? No. It wasn't all on me. It was him too. Lies, deceit, mistrust, hurt.. its never ending. I'm tired. So tired of it all. And yet... my heart has a mind of its own. I sometimes wonder if its even connected to my brain or body. If it's even a part of me. I wonder... because this part of my anatomy has betrayed me over and over again.

I am sorry now for my revengeful actions. That person who did that, that person wasn't me. But someone who once again lost all sense. Someone who felt betrayed all over again. I am not proud of my actions. Not proud at all. I am ashamed of myself. It was wrong of me to do it. I betrayed you as much as I felt you betrayed me. 

I will move on.

I will be a better person.

I will do what is right. For no good seems to have come out of this path i'm on.

I will be stronger, wiser, patient.

I will be what God asks us to be in Corinthian 13... I have deviated from Gods word. In every sense. 

I will do things better. God help me I will.

"

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "

One Day at a Time

When betrayals happen for the first time it hurts. But when it happens for the third or fourth time its hurts even more. More because I knew what I was getting into and let it happen anyways.
So foolish of me. So foolish to think otherwise. I must try to be stronger than this. There s nothing to be done now. Nothing at all.

I need to let him go. It hurts like crazy... It just hurts so bad... But I need to let it all go.

I miss him. So damn much. Why oh God why did he have to betray my trust all over again. Even as a friend. Why did he lie...? Why?

Just another day for you.

You will never change. Forget it. No more chances. I can't do this. Take you back you say... And this is how you behave? Good riddance to bad rubbish! You will always take me for granted. Now let's see how we play this game... I'm laughing at you. Let's see who becomes the fool baby.

Tears..

Just another stupid mistake

Sometimes I wish I could just repeatedly slap myself over and over and over again!

Don't I ever fucking learn? Apparently not! All in the name of Love! He calls and I answer... What kind of relationship is that? What the hell is wrong with me dammit! I'm over him.. ok.. so maybe not over him.. but definitely there's no sort of relationship for us. So why the hell do I let him into my life at all?

Why do I hurt myself like this.... I know this is not good for me. So why do I do it? Because he needs me? He may need me but who takes the brunt of the pain? Me! Me dammit!

Why can't my stupid silly foolish heart just be strong and stay away from him? Why can't she do this...

How I hurt right now. How I hurt because I spent last night in his arms. How pathetically am I waiting for him to text me. To message me saying something sweet. Of course he won't do this. Of course he won't bother. And why should he? It's not like we're in a relationship right.

I'm soooo damn bloody stupid!!!!

And I'm in so much pain. How many times will I keep doing this to myself? How much more can I bear this?

Why can't I be cold to him? Why can't I just be someone who doesn't give a damn about if he's hurting or tired or alone...? I shouldn't care, yet I do.

And this is the price I pay for Love.

Confused

I am so confused these days. It's unbelievable that we have been fighting for 2 months. Absurd really. Totally ridiculous! I don't know what to do with him. He refuses to discuss things properly with me and come to a conclusion. He just expects things to.. what.. disappear? Which of course doesn't make any sense but then what does in this relationship!

I just wish he's talk to me and be clear about where we stand. I just wish he and I could set the parameters. Either we're friends and behave as such or we are lovers. If neither then we are strangers and leave each other the hell alone.

I don't understand what he gains by staying in this in-between, misty grey zone. Where it's like a constant guessing game with unreasonable fights etc. Really totally absurd!

I mean he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Let's face the facts. He's married and he will not divorce. HE flirts with this girl who recently joined his department, and then has the galls to tell me that it's just 'being friendly'. Then to top it all off he ignores me and fights with me and then cries to me saying he needs me. Then he wants me to show him how to be a better person. Does that mean he just wants me to be his friend? I don't understand where this is all leading to.

I am not an uncaring person, but right now i am just so tired by all this drama. Yes I do love him and if he needs a true friend i will be there for him. But I don't want to be used like this. I don't want to be taken for granted just cos i am a nice person and care about him.

So damn complicated!!

Sometimes communication is the best medicine.

Pain

It's like a soft whisper in my ear
A caress on my cheek,
A fleeting subtle memory,
Of when you were here.

But I remember once more
That you are long gone.
I'm here alone,
Lost and in pain.

I wish we could go back
To that moment on the beach,
Dancing in the rain
All our cares out of reach.

I loved you once
I still do.
My hearts broken from loving you.
Shards of glass wouldn't hurt as much.

All my dreams are waking nightmares.
Now as I lie alone in bed.
I star across to your pillow,
Where once you would have laid.

Why did I fall in love so hard?
I'm all bruised after the fall.
I can cry in pain...
But who will hear me weep?

Silence

Do you ever feel that you are living with your thoughts, your memories, your broken dreams... and you're like what the fuck is up with that? When all you wanna do is move on, yet you seem stuck in this rut.. cos the person you want is not the person you can ever have.
Just like a dog in the haystack.

They say they saw you with her, I should be happy.. that your moving on.
They say she was seated close to you... how could you?

They say all this happened on a Monday.
When you were supposed to make a decision and speak to me.

Guess I know now why you weer so busy.

It's alright. You were the best thing I never had.

Im soo tired today... well i've been tired since last few days.... everything is just too much trauma to deal with. I just wanna sleep for a month and wake up when everything is alright.

Memories pass by fleeting,
I've been here waiting,
Holding on to days gone by.
Love's flown so far,
Oh how the memories pass by fleeting
Your face a blur in the distance-
As the days go by.
I'm trying to take little steps-
To find myself again.
But the memories, so fleeting,
Make me cry.

More Hate mail

There's this one particular Chinese family that I hate. I mean I seriously hate that family. I wish.. I wish that the plane they took to this country had crashed in the ocean. The whole lot of them. I mean, I've nothing against the Chinese nation. But just this lot.. argh...! they don't even look pretty. I mean you get some hot Chinese women, but this lot... I just want them out of this country. Them, the relatives, their children... Iwish they could just go inhabit another country Why'd they have to settle their asses over here? Louses.

Wastelands

Sometimes I feel that everything I seem to have given you is a waste. An utter complete waste. What have I got in return? Please do tell me for I seem to have misplaced those memories. A handful of good times, what a laugh.

All you do is take, take and take. You just keep taking.

I don't trust you, there are times I simply hate you and wish you were dead. Then I go back to the mistrust and hate. You don't deserve to have been loved by a woman like me. You deserve nothing of it. You've just pissed all over it and now your footprints mark the spot.

Love? Love is a joke not shared. Love is a poison we ask for. And once we taste it we rot in our deathbed. Like a carcass in the wilds. Stripped to the bone.

The pain, the hurt, the anger the hate... I just wish I could throw it in your dammed face. I wish I could tear you apart and feed you to the vultures. I wish I could rip your family in strips like bacon. Until there's nothing and no-one but you left all alone. Bereft of love and attention. Lost and abandoned. With no one to turn to. I want you to feel the loneliness I feel. I want you to feel my hate and my loss.

Love? I scorn it! Love is a lie we tell ourselves to make us feel good inside. I happen to be an exceptional fool in this regard as I've lied to myself all this time. Lied to myself in thinking there was something called 'pure love'. A weak butterfly who fell in love with the bright deceptive bloom. I got drunk on nectar so sweet it made me sick.

Oh how I wish I could hurt you. How I want to draw blood. To cut you so deep that you're maimed for life. Paralised. Crippled. Torn.

Love! The sound of that word sickens me! My hate... my abhorrence... drives me mad. Unable to think clearly, unable to find peace until I see you suffer. You selfish toad!

Take take take! That's all you've done. Loneliness is your gift to me. Wrapped in gilded paper. Fool is what I am. I hate myself too. My weakness being you. My weakness being Love. You misused.

All I see is scarlet red. Not for Love, but for the pain you've put me thru, the pain I inflicted on myself.

Take your scraps and shove it.

Situations

Sometimes life is just one big W.T.F. situation.

Dreams

Show me a dream

Make me drown.

The pain inside me

Keep burning, aching.

Grip my hips

Throw me forward

Free me.

Fighting to breathe

But I can't.

Bruised lips

Possessive.

Keep moving...

Sometimes even though you may miss someone like crazy, you realise that you just got to keep moving. You just have to let them go. Especially if you know that they will never change. They will never put you first in their busy complicated life.

That's what I'm feeling right now. That feeling where, yes, I miss you so damn much. But no. I can't just forget the dozens of times you've said 'no' to me. Be it even the littlest request. See, how upset you got when I said 'no' to going out in the night. I didn't even say 'no'. I said 'Maybe'. Just imagine how I feel each time I ask you something: a small favor, a lift to somewhere, to go out somewhere... and you seem to say 'no i'm sorry I can't'... just imagine how crappy that makes me feel.
I ask you because you're my 1st choice. If I can't ask you, then who should I ask? It's not like I have a full time boyfriend right?

So yeah... like an old re-run.

Hello Loneliness, my dear old friend... you're never really far away are you... You're the constant in my life.

Give it Up...

I wish I could
Ctrl - A - Del
You

I wish I could
Esc
My life

I wish I could
PgUp - Del
The tears and lies

I wish I could
Prt Sc
The happy times

You brought the
CapsLock
To our conversations

Why did you make me want to
Log Off
this relationship

Ctrl - Alt - Del --> Switch User.

Evanescence - My Heart Is Broken

Better?

Things are changing for the better I hope.
Yes.
Things will get better.
A new job
A new life
New friends.
New chances.

Finally.
It's my turn...

Dawn...

Sometimes I wake up and lie in bed just as dawn is breaking... I think of You. I think of my feelings for you, and I cannot believe I've been with you for so long. I can't believe life has flown past us like a Eagle soaring high and fast in the sky.
You started out as a fantasy, a conquest and now - now you are almost a part of my soul. Like the warmth in my blood that warms my heart.
I know we have tried, maybe unsuccessfully to end this story of ours. Broken our hearts a hundred times over just trying to stay apart. All for the sake of propriety and the choices we've made in the past.
Sometimes my need for your love, for your time, for your attention is like an ache deep in my heart. A physical ache, a pounding chugging heavy heartbeat that even makes it  hard for me to breathe.
And I hurt. I hurt so much inside.
For every 1 hour of ultimate joy with you I pay-up with 24 hours of pain from my heart.
Yet it beats. It beats till I see you again.
Sometimes I wonder if all sense has left my mind... If all sense of whats right and wrong, black or white, true or false has faded in to a grey misty blur.
Like an obsession. An obsession with flesh and blood.

Dawn turns in to the light of day, bringing with it the realities of my life. And the fact that I begin another day - Alone.
Another day waiting, hoping and wishing with all my heart that maybe today I would spend a few precious minutes with you. Maybe today, if not today then maybe tomorrow...

What love can do to a heart is wondrous. It is amazing. It can make you feel like you're invincible. Like there's nothing on earth that could hurt you or make you sad... and then the next moment it can crush you. Drown you in sorrow so deep you can't breathe. You forget how to, you don't want to.
Love makes you feel like you've been twirling around and round like a child, and then let loose the world spins around you. Dizzy and unbalanced you will fall down. Unless you find that solid thing to hold on to. Until you feel like your world is back in focus.

Sometimes I feel like that child. Twirling in circles... maddened with love and lust and everything Him. And them I'm falling so fast and I know there's no one to catch me when I fall.

Love!

Borne like the dawn and broken by night. How I wish you lasted forever...