Stuck in a Rut

I am screaming in my head -

Screaming, shouting, fighting, 

With myself.

wondering why I choose to moderate, tolerate and reconcile with everyone and everything in my life.

I wish I could tell people how I really feel.

Tell them that: No I don't want to do something.

No, I don't want to talk.

No, I don't want to be nice.

No, I don't want to be polite or thoughtful or fucking considerate.

NO.

I wish I could tell people to take their wants and needs and go fuck off.

Because you know what?

I don't really care.

I don't. Really.

Do I?

I mean, maybe I pretend I do.

Maybe I'm just pretending to do things, be someone, who really, I am not. 

Because people don't understand me. Not the real me anyways.

So I wish... wish I could do and say all these crazy, unrealistic things... and be this unrealistic person... But I can't.

I can't break my parents expectations nor hurt those around me.

It is my burden to carry in this life, this feeling of being out of place, and out of time. 

Hiding within myself... dying this slow death of normalcy.

Feeling things I can't voice - screaming so loud yet no one can hear,

All these thoughts and emotions swirling and squeezing my heart dry. 

Oh what webs do we weave when we lie to deceive.... more so when we lie to ourselves about who we might be.

Trust

Many times in my previous posts have i mentioned the importance of 'trust'. How i wish they never broke it.

But you know what, he did beak that trust. And when i think about it now, in hindsight, it changed EVERYTHING. From me being the naive doting woman to me being the calculating manipulative, idgaf person i am today.

But I am tired. I am tired of trying to think one, two, three steps ahead. I am tired of playing mind games, guessing games and any other games i think are being dished out. 

I just wish people could be REAL. You know the straightforward, say-what-you-mean, do-what-you-say type of REAL.

Instead, all anyone does is break promises, use words like 'love' and 'sorry' like it's cheap change not worth a penny. One step forward and ten steps back...

And I'm tired.

Tired of the pretending.

I was born to be free. The wild thing doing what she pleased. 

But sometimes I lose sight of that girl - that girl who used to be me. The free spirit. 

She seems lost, as  usual; And a little fed-up. 

A little fed up of dreams that somewhere along the line have been forgotten.

Trust. 

A dangerous word. It can make or break a person. 

It broke me. And  I made remade my broken pieces to reflect the harshness of the world. 

Isn't that what we all do?

Random musings

People may think moving to another land, one where there is no one you know- is all fun and games.
But it is not. It's lonely and.. well, it's lonely.

Life is not as you expect it to be.

Not that it's bad. I  mean, life is good. It's interesting enough. But I miss my clique of friends. I'm an introverted person, but occasionally i like to let lose, and now i don't have my homies to let lose with.

I don't know... just sometimes i feel dissatisfied and almost wish I was elsewhere. Almost. Very rarely. But then i remind myself how blessed i am. And try not to be a bloody bitch about little things in life.

Today, i'm feeling a little down.
Maybe because it's 'Friday'. Maybe because it's Friday and I'm feeling a little lonely.

Well, one can't have everything in life can they....

Thoughts

So many thoughts are running through my head

I have wondered where things may lead

No happiness to be found

in two becoming one

Waiting for some thing good

to hold on to

But am finding none.

Help me understand

What is needed of me

To wear this veil 

I am troubled

Freedom will i not lose

Love, will I not gain

Looking for magic, still.

Leave

People always leave you know that. They do. It's been a while. I've been here, maybe waiting for things to change. But really, nothing really does. I don't know why I'm even alive. I find no joy when I'm living. Just getting thru one day at a time. Even with another person, I feel I just bring sadness. No joy. He hasn't even asked me to marry him . Says a lot u know. He s not sure. Neither Am I I guess . I wonder why I'm alive. Living. 

Sometimes, I still feel confused....

There are good days, and then there are bad days. Today, is a 'not so good' day.

I try so hard to keep a happy outlook. But sometimes, it gets pretty tough.
Sometimes, I find it hard to be happy. I find it hard to be appreciative of all the blessing in my life.

I think of all the things I wish I had; like a husband, kids, home- even something as random as owning a fridge! It's a feeling of something missing in my life.

If only it was possible to just go out there and get what I need; but I can't just do that can I? I can't just forget I have a boyfriend, forget all those promises... I should have some patience! Patience!

I feel as if I'm suffocating at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying. Then at other times, like I want to sob my heart out. I feel as if some people expect me to be a certain way. Why can't they accept me the way I am? So what if I have a tummy? Does that make me a bad person? No! I know I am  not outrageously beautiful. Yet people are so judgmental. Even my boyfriend at times, expects me to be someone I am not.

I am not sophisticated.
I am not rich.
And I do not have a toned stomach and 4-pack abs!

I am, quite simply, me.

Yet it feels like that's just not good enough.

I like to think that I'm receptive to advise and if someone says do some exercises to get fit, I will do so. But I don't like feeling like someone says that cos they are ashamed to see me flash my chubby tummy when I wear a crop top.

I have grown so much in the last couple of years. For a fact I feel the change. I wish people would appreciate that for a change.

It's moments like these that make me question the choices I've made.

Following Complications in Love and Life

Just when I feel like my life is maybe getting on track, something goes and happens to muddle with my brain. It makes me wonder if my life will always be this messed up.

Sometimes I scare myself. I wish I didn't feel the way I do when I'm in a relationship. Love messes with my head, messes with my heart and can cause me so much distress. It's like there's no happiness without that one person. The thing is, I don't mean to be needy. In fact I make an effort not to be. I still do my own thing, take care of myself, even go party on my own. But there's that hole in my soul when i'm not with that other person. I may go partying on my own, go watch a movie with my cuz, but that's just because he's unable to come with me.

In all honesty, I'd give anything for him to be with me. Be a part of what I do; be it shopping or whatever. Maybe I'm just tired of being on my own and doing things on my own. Maybe I need someone to be with me now. Share my life. Do things together. And trust me... I won't even want to party then. Cos i'll have everything I need, an not need to search for something to fill the void.

This may sound weird, but I am so ready to settle down. Be normal. Have a family... and be.. happy. I'm so ready for that. I deserve that. I do. I've waited long enough. Loved people hard enough. Sacrificed enough. Given up enough. Enough hurt right... Isn't it my turn for some happiness?

Who I'm with right now... I do love him like crazy. But sometimes I feel like I am not enough. He's much more older than me. He's traveled the world, lived years in another country, experienced so much more. And I am just.. simple old me; who's favourite meal is eating bread, butter and sugar sandwiches and who loves to sit quietly and watch the world pass by. I  haven't traveled overseas much and really haven't done anything that outstanding. So I do wonder, am I enough? Am I really enough for him? Will he sit with me on quiet evenings and tell me about his day? Will he come with me to do the grocery shopping? Will he never forget to kiss me good morning and good night. I love him, but is he right for me? Will he someday be my family? I don't really know.

These are the things that run through my mind. I don't doubt myself and I don't have low self-esteem. I just need to be loved for who I am. And to know that just me as I am is enough.

But leaving all that aside, I'm slowly learning to control my feelings. Control the feelings that usually drown me in depression. It's a slow process... but I am learning. Trust. It's all got to do with trust. I hope he never breaks it. If he does... it will be more damage that I can think of repairing again.

But whatever problems I have in my life, I am happy most times. I am blessed so very much. God is good and forgiving: More than I deserve.

It's just quite simple really: Love and Life will always be complicated. But when I am with him - I am Home.