Fine

I'm tired.
Just tired.
But I'll smile, and say I'm fine.
Cos that's what the world wants to hear.

I'm sad.
Just sad.
But I'll smile, and say I'm fine.
Cos tears are all invisible to me.

Losing Myself

I have so many things in my mind, yet I can't articulate. 

Too many thoughts running around in my head, yet I can't put them down

It's like there are people yelling constantly in my mind.

Non stop.

Unrelenting.

Where is the quiet?

I feel distressed, depressed, lost.

I feel like I'm losing something precious,

Yet I don't know what it is.

I want peace

I want quiet

I want to sit and stare in to nature

I want to lose myself for a moment in tranquility.

What is it I truly want?

What is it that I truly need?

I do not know.

This is the pit I am in.

I can say 'pick me, choose me, love me'

But what I really mean to say is 'Save me'.

Heartbreak Island...

I'm waiting for the day it all stops hurting. I'm waiting for the day I can trust again. Love again. I feel lost. So very lost. I don't know where to turn to. I don't know what to do or how to deal with the pain of losing you again. Now I can say I've really burned this bridge. Truly irreparable unless I forgive you and you forgive me for my revengeful actions.

It was too much to hope for that you could stay without lying for at least a month. Too much to hope. How I planned your birthday. How I was waiting to take you out... Waiting.. now it seems for nothing.

I am trying so hard to move on from all of this mess. This sticky, revengeful, emotionally destructive  crazy mess i'm in. I just want to put it behind me. I want to be happy dammit. I want to feel normal. Not like a half crazed person.

I keep asking myself.. what happened. What went wrong. What mistakes I made to lose it all. Was it all on me....? No. It wasn't all on me. It was him too. Lies, deceit, mistrust, hurt.. its never ending. I'm tired. So tired of it all. And yet... my heart has a mind of its own. I sometimes wonder if its even connected to my brain or body. If it's even a part of me. I wonder... because this part of my anatomy has betrayed me over and over again.

I am sorry now for my revengeful actions. That person who did that, that person wasn't me. But someone who once again lost all sense. Someone who felt betrayed all over again. I am not proud of my actions. Not proud at all. I am ashamed of myself. It was wrong of me to do it. I betrayed you as much as I felt you betrayed me. 

I will move on.

I will be a better person.

I will do what is right. For no good seems to have come out of this path i'm on.

I will be stronger, wiser, patient.

I will be what God asks us to be in Corinthian 13... I have deviated from Gods word. In every sense. 

I will do things better. God help me I will.

"

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

13 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "

One Day at a Time

When betrayals happen for the first time it hurts. But when it happens for the third or fourth time its hurts even more. More because I knew what I was getting into and let it happen anyways.
So foolish of me. So foolish to think otherwise. I must try to be stronger than this. There s nothing to be done now. Nothing at all.

I need to let him go. It hurts like crazy... It just hurts so bad... But I need to let it all go.

I miss him. So damn much. Why oh God why did he have to betray my trust all over again. Even as a friend. Why did he lie...? Why?

Just another day for you.

You will never change. Forget it. No more chances. I can't do this. Take you back you say... And this is how you behave? Good riddance to bad rubbish! You will always take me for granted. Now let's see how we play this game... I'm laughing at you. Let's see who becomes the fool baby.

Tears..

Just another stupid mistake

Sometimes I wish I could just repeatedly slap myself over and over and over again!

Don't I ever fucking learn? Apparently not! All in the name of Love! He calls and I answer... What kind of relationship is that? What the hell is wrong with me dammit! I'm over him.. ok.. so maybe not over him.. but definitely there's no sort of relationship for us. So why the hell do I let him into my life at all?

Why do I hurt myself like this.... I know this is not good for me. So why do I do it? Because he needs me? He may need me but who takes the brunt of the pain? Me! Me dammit!

Why can't my stupid silly foolish heart just be strong and stay away from him? Why can't she do this...

How I hurt right now. How I hurt because I spent last night in his arms. How pathetically am I waiting for him to text me. To message me saying something sweet. Of course he won't do this. Of course he won't bother. And why should he? It's not like we're in a relationship right.

I'm soooo damn bloody stupid!!!!

And I'm in so much pain. How many times will I keep doing this to myself? How much more can I bear this?

Why can't I be cold to him? Why can't I just be someone who doesn't give a damn about if he's hurting or tired or alone...? I shouldn't care, yet I do.

And this is the price I pay for Love.