Today, I spoke to someone I used to be obsessed with. Reading back on all the posts on this forum made me remember how crazy I was—crazy about him, crazy in life, crazy in every sense. I mean, I still am sort of crazy, but I had forgotten my past in a sense.
Swept it under layers of years, experiences, alcohol and drugs.
I reached out to Coo because I am faced with a dilemma in my life. Interestingly, I am now 7+ years married and living outside Sri Lanka. I live a very comfortable life. Remember how I used to cry and pray for a peaceful life? Well, God certainly gave me a lot of peace. There is so much peace that I am bored to tears. There's no satisfying us humans, is there? We are such fickle, irrational, unrealistic, illogical beings.
In a sense, I recently fucked up. And it made me reflect on how I dated a married guy. It was a lifetime ago, but it happened. My thought process was so black and white then. One was either all in or all out. I was such a child.
Now that I have experienced life and am a little more experienced, I realise it is not so simple. We humans have complicated desires—physical and mental—complicated wants and needs. And expecting one person to fulfil all those needs is a lot to ask.
I now question myself, Gurllll, now that you have all the peace and comfort you asked for, why the fuck are you going and intentionally being delusional and creating drama? Am I trying to fuck shit up? Stir the pot? Shit where I eat kinda thing?
Seriously. Somebody should have hit me hard in the head 10 years ago, maybe it might have knocked some sense into me.
Who knows, I might start journaling here again, I mean I already pay for professional help and that's clearly not really working is it? HAHA
