Just when I feel like my life is maybe getting on track, something goes and happens to muddle with my brain. It makes me wonder if my life will always be this messed up.
Sometimes I scare myself. I wish I didn't feel the way I do when I'm in a relationship. Love messes with my head, messes with my heart and can cause me so much distress. It's like there's no happiness without that one person. The thing is, I don't mean to be needy. In fact I make an effort not to be. I still do my own thing, take care of myself, even go party on my own. But there's that hole in my soul when i'm not with that other person. I may go partying on my own, go watch a movie with my cuz, but that's just because he's unable to come with me.
In all honesty, I'd give anything for him to be with me. Be a part of what I do; be it shopping or whatever. Maybe I'm just tired of being on my own and doing things on my own. Maybe I need someone to be with me now. Share my life. Do things together. And trust me... I won't even want to party then. Cos i'll have everything I need, an not need to search for something to fill the void.
This may sound weird, but I am so ready to settle down. Be normal. Have a family... and be.. happy. I'm so ready for that. I deserve that. I do. I've waited long enough. Loved people hard enough. Sacrificed enough. Given up enough. Enough hurt right... Isn't it my turn for some happiness?
Who I'm with right now... I do love him like crazy. But sometimes I feel like I am not enough. He's much more older than me. He's traveled the world, lived years in another country, experienced so much more. And I am just.. simple old me; who's favourite meal is eating bread, butter and sugar sandwiches and who loves to sit quietly and watch the world pass by. I haven't traveled overseas much and really haven't done anything that outstanding. So I do wonder, am I enough? Am I really enough for him? Will he sit with me on quiet evenings and tell me about his day? Will he come with me to do the grocery shopping? Will he never forget to kiss me good morning and good night. I love him, but is he right for me? Will he someday be my family? I don't really know.
These are the things that run through my mind. I don't doubt myself and I don't have low self-esteem. I just need to be loved for who I am. And to know that just me as I am is enough.
But leaving all that aside, I'm slowly learning to control my feelings. Control the feelings that usually drown me in depression. It's a slow process... but I am learning. Trust. It's all got to do with trust. I hope he never breaks it. If he does... it will be more damage that I can think of repairing again.
But whatever problems I have in my life, I am happy most times. I am blessed so very much. God is good and forgiving: More than I deserve.
It's just quite simple really: Love and Life will always be complicated. But when I am with him - I am Home.
