It was too much to hope for that you could stay without lying for at least a month. Too much to hope. How I planned your birthday. How I was waiting to take you out... Waiting.. now it seems for nothing.
I am trying so hard to move on from all of this mess. This sticky, revengeful, emotionally destructive crazy mess i'm in. I just want to put it behind me. I want to be happy dammit. I want to feel normal. Not like a half crazed person.
I keep asking myself.. what happened. What went wrong. What mistakes I made to lose it all. Was it all on me....? No. It wasn't all on me. It was him too. Lies, deceit, mistrust, hurt.. its never ending. I'm tired. So tired of it all. And yet... my heart has a mind of its own. I sometimes wonder if its even connected to my brain or body. If it's even a part of me. I wonder... because this part of my anatomy has betrayed me over and over again.
I am sorry now for my revengeful actions. That person who did that, that person wasn't me. But someone who once again lost all sense. Someone who felt betrayed all over again. I am not proud of my actions. Not proud at all. I am ashamed of myself. It was wrong of me to do it. I betrayed you as much as I felt you betrayed me.
I will move on.
I will be a better person.
I will do what is right. For no good seems to have come out of this path i'm on.
I will be stronger, wiser, patient.
I will be what God asks us to be in Corinthian 13... I have deviated from Gods word. In every sense.
I will do things better. God help me I will.
"
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "
"
1 Corinthians 13
New International Version (NIV)
13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "
