It's been soo long since I put down my thoughts. So much has been happening, life has just been whizzin past me... sweeping me in its tide. It's all sooo mind-blowing and all so confusing at the same time.
So, what started out as a fling 3 months ago, has now developed in to something else. That was unexpected and surprising yet i'm loving it. I only wish things were not as complicated as they are right now.
I wish with all my heart that he was free to be with me. I wish that I didn't have to spend my days (and nights) wondering what he was doing...? Who he was with..? Whether there would be any hope of us being together, ever, in the future... And wondering why I let myself fall in love with him.. Why I let down my gaurd and let him in to my heart... Why did I invite all this emotional turmoil and heartache in to my life? Just when I thought I had freed myself from the emotional tangle I was in before.
I know he loves me. That's what he says. And sometimes I believe him. We are fun together. We are crazy. And romantic. And we nearly always spontaniously combust. ;) Yet life has played a cruel joke on us.
He's already commited to someone else and has a life of his own, even tho that life maybe falling apart.
Sooo bloody complicated! I used to be the smart one who used to advise other people on how to deal with things... and look at what I go and get myself into... a situation where I might as well eat my own advise.
I kind of understand now how my ex felt all the times I put him thru certain situations in the past. Not that understanding how he felt makes me want to go back to him, but I understand the pain and the hurt I caused. And I hope with all my heart that someday he will forgive me for it. And I will be able to forgive myself.
How I miss Cuckoo... all the time. Even when he's with me. I'm in pain because I know that he can't be with me always. And that him being able to be with me in the future is such a long shot. But yet I can't seem to leave him. I can't seem to stay away, as he can't seem to stay away from me. I can only hope and pray that there is some sort of happy ending to all this because I don't know how much of this emotional rollercoaster I can bear. Im only human too. :(
Things at home are falling apart. My mother is still too proud to talk to me. I don't miss living at home, but I miss my familly. I worry about them. About my grand aunts who are getting soo feeble, about my mother and her health, about my younger step sister and the fact that she has no one to relate to except old people... Why is it that I never could have a normal familly life?? It was always messed up. Always.
Love is such a complex web of delicately woven threads. It's dependant and proud and hurtful at times. How I wish I understood it better.
Sometimes the pain is numbed by friends and parties and booz. But it never really goes away. The pain of my mother being too proud to accept me the way I am, the pain of dealing with the pain i've caused to another person, The pain of knowing my bro is suffering in another country- working really hard, the pain i'm going thru each day and each night knowing that I can't be with the person I want to be with, and that everything I do has to be done with the utmost secrecy. I mean what the f***!! When did I sign up for all this turmoil?? When??
We all get lonely in life. We all crave for that one person: who we hope will love us and cherish us for who we are. Someone with whome we can have fun, be crazy, make passionate love to. Someone who you can fight with, and then make up. Someone who will make you laugh, or cry, depending on the situation.
But oh gosh... It's so hard to find that right person. And I dont want to compromise for any less. I don't want to be a person who marries a guy just because everyone was doing it. Or just becuase they didn't want to end up alone.
Why the hell marry if you know that this person doesn't really make you happy. What is the meaning of life, if ALL we do is please others...?
But then reality strikes. I live in Sri Lanka. The country of gossipers and people who are so full of shit.
My heart is on FiRe~~ I'm just not sure how much longer it can take this heat before it burns itself dry.
