Leave

People always leave you know that. They do. It's been a while. I've been here, maybe waiting for things to change. But really, nothing really does. I don't know why I'm even alive. I find no joy when I'm living. Just getting thru one day at a time. Even with another person, I feel I just bring sadness. No joy. He hasn't even asked me to marry him . Says a lot u know. He s not sure. Neither Am I I guess . I wonder why I'm alive. Living. 

Sometimes, I still feel confused....

There are good days, and then there are bad days. Today, is a 'not so good' day.

I try so hard to keep a happy outlook. But sometimes, it gets pretty tough.
Sometimes, I find it hard to be happy. I find it hard to be appreciative of all the blessing in my life.

I think of all the things I wish I had; like a husband, kids, home- even something as random as owning a fridge! It's a feeling of something missing in my life.

If only it was possible to just go out there and get what I need; but I can't just do that can I? I can't just forget I have a boyfriend, forget all those promises... I should have some patience! Patience!

I feel as if I'm suffocating at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying. Then at other times, like I want to sob my heart out. I feel as if some people expect me to be a certain way. Why can't they accept me the way I am? So what if I have a tummy? Does that make me a bad person? No! I know I am  not outrageously beautiful. Yet people are so judgmental. Even my boyfriend at times, expects me to be someone I am not.

I am not sophisticated.
I am not rich.
And I do not have a toned stomach and 4-pack abs!

I am, quite simply, me.

Yet it feels like that's just not good enough.

I like to think that I'm receptive to advise and if someone says do some exercises to get fit, I will do so. But I don't like feeling like someone says that cos they are ashamed to see me flash my chubby tummy when I wear a crop top.

I have grown so much in the last couple of years. For a fact I feel the change. I wish people would appreciate that for a change.

It's moments like these that make me question the choices I've made.

Following Complications in Love and Life

Just when I feel like my life is maybe getting on track, something goes and happens to muddle with my brain. It makes me wonder if my life will always be this messed up.

Sometimes I scare myself. I wish I didn't feel the way I do when I'm in a relationship. Love messes with my head, messes with my heart and can cause me so much distress. It's like there's no happiness without that one person. The thing is, I don't mean to be needy. In fact I make an effort not to be. I still do my own thing, take care of myself, even go party on my own. But there's that hole in my soul when i'm not with that other person. I may go partying on my own, go watch a movie with my cuz, but that's just because he's unable to come with me.

In all honesty, I'd give anything for him to be with me. Be a part of what I do; be it shopping or whatever. Maybe I'm just tired of being on my own and doing things on my own. Maybe I need someone to be with me now. Share my life. Do things together. And trust me... I won't even want to party then. Cos i'll have everything I need, an not need to search for something to fill the void.

This may sound weird, but I am so ready to settle down. Be normal. Have a family... and be.. happy. I'm so ready for that. I deserve that. I do. I've waited long enough. Loved people hard enough. Sacrificed enough. Given up enough. Enough hurt right... Isn't it my turn for some happiness?

Who I'm with right now... I do love him like crazy. But sometimes I feel like I am not enough. He's much more older than me. He's traveled the world, lived years in another country, experienced so much more. And I am just.. simple old me; who's favourite meal is eating bread, butter and sugar sandwiches and who loves to sit quietly and watch the world pass by. I  haven't traveled overseas much and really haven't done anything that outstanding. So I do wonder, am I enough? Am I really enough for him? Will he sit with me on quiet evenings and tell me about his day? Will he come with me to do the grocery shopping? Will he never forget to kiss me good morning and good night. I love him, but is he right for me? Will he someday be my family? I don't really know.

These are the things that run through my mind. I don't doubt myself and I don't have low self-esteem. I just need to be loved for who I am. And to know that just me as I am is enough.

But leaving all that aside, I'm slowly learning to control my feelings. Control the feelings that usually drown me in depression. It's a slow process... but I am learning. Trust. It's all got to do with trust. I hope he never breaks it. If he does... it will be more damage that I can think of repairing again.

But whatever problems I have in my life, I am happy most times. I am blessed so very much. God is good and forgiving: More than I deserve.

It's just quite simple really: Love and Life will always be complicated. But when I am with him - I am Home.

Dreams

Dreams you dream
Rarely come real
Moments you hope
Barely materialise.
People you love
Seemingly leave
Wishes on stars
Broken dreams will leave.

Dreams you dream
Rarely come real

Happiness

When everything is right with us I'm happy. I'm happy with the world. Everything's ok. I can bear any burden and face any problem cos I know that I've got you. And you mean the world to me and in you I can find my happiness.

But if i am sad. It's because something between us has made me so. If I miss you and you don't miss me back it makes me sad. If I put up a status for you and you don't even like it; that makes me sad.  Because it's for you. Because you are that important to me. I am not perfect.  Far far from it. But my world is a gloomy depressing place if my happiness in you is gone.

It's a scary feeling. To care for someone that much.  To feel that much. To have your happiness depend on them that much. It's a scary feeling to not know if they even feel the same way....

I'm sorry. I am who I am. What ever I feel I feel with an intensity I cannot lessen. If only, for a moment you could understand... If only you could...

It is how it is

The problem with me is that I will forgive. I will forgive you even when you forget me. I will forgive you even when you hurt me. And i will still forgive you even if you leave.

Why?

Simply because it is who I am and for what I feel. Simply because the heart is a traitor to the mind and she knows no other way.

It is not easy being me. It is so hard to pretend to be normal when everything was so broken before.

So remember... I will forgive you. But it costs me so much more than you'll know. So just...  Don't forget me. Don't change.

Hope for More

She ponders on life and the feeling of hope.
Sometimes hope is a scary thing.
Hope that can bring happiness
Or hope that can break your heart.
Sometimes, she even feels it.
She feels it bloom in her ♥ swelling it with happiness.
Could she really have hope?
Could this be real?

But hope, hope is such a scary emotion.
It represents all that can go wrong and
All that can break your heart and hurt you.
And she covers up that hope.
No.  Hurt is not something she wants to feel with him. 
And hope brings with it the risk of hurt.
How can one ever be sure...
How can she?
Mashed hearts are hard to fix they say.
Maybe hope can help.
Maybe.