Just another stupid mistake

Sometimes I wish I could just repeatedly slap myself over and over and over again!

Don't I ever fucking learn? Apparently not! All in the name of Love! He calls and I answer... What kind of relationship is that? What the hell is wrong with me dammit! I'm over him.. ok.. so maybe not over him.. but definitely there's no sort of relationship for us. So why the hell do I let him into my life at all?

Why do I hurt myself like this.... I know this is not good for me. So why do I do it? Because he needs me? He may need me but who takes the brunt of the pain? Me! Me dammit!

Why can't my stupid silly foolish heart just be strong and stay away from him? Why can't she do this...

How I hurt right now. How I hurt because I spent last night in his arms. How pathetically am I waiting for him to text me. To message me saying something sweet. Of course he won't do this. Of course he won't bother. And why should he? It's not like we're in a relationship right.

I'm soooo damn bloody stupid!!!!

And I'm in so much pain. How many times will I keep doing this to myself? How much more can I bear this?

Why can't I be cold to him? Why can't I just be someone who doesn't give a damn about if he's hurting or tired or alone...? I shouldn't care, yet I do.

And this is the price I pay for Love.

Confused

I am so confused these days. It's unbelievable that we have been fighting for 2 months. Absurd really. Totally ridiculous! I don't know what to do with him. He refuses to discuss things properly with me and come to a conclusion. He just expects things to.. what.. disappear? Which of course doesn't make any sense but then what does in this relationship!

I just wish he's talk to me and be clear about where we stand. I just wish he and I could set the parameters. Either we're friends and behave as such or we are lovers. If neither then we are strangers and leave each other the hell alone.

I don't understand what he gains by staying in this in-between, misty grey zone. Where it's like a constant guessing game with unreasonable fights etc. Really totally absurd!

I mean he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Let's face the facts. He's married and he will not divorce. HE flirts with this girl who recently joined his department, and then has the galls to tell me that it's just 'being friendly'. Then to top it all off he ignores me and fights with me and then cries to me saying he needs me. Then he wants me to show him how to be a better person. Does that mean he just wants me to be his friend? I don't understand where this is all leading to.

I am not an uncaring person, but right now i am just so tired by all this drama. Yes I do love him and if he needs a true friend i will be there for him. But I don't want to be used like this. I don't want to be taken for granted just cos i am a nice person and care about him.

So damn complicated!!

Sometimes communication is the best medicine.

Pain

It's like a soft whisper in my ear
A caress on my cheek,
A fleeting subtle memory,
Of when you were here.

But I remember once more
That you are long gone.
I'm here alone,
Lost and in pain.

I wish we could go back
To that moment on the beach,
Dancing in the rain
All our cares out of reach.

I loved you once
I still do.
My hearts broken from loving you.
Shards of glass wouldn't hurt as much.

All my dreams are waking nightmares.
Now as I lie alone in bed.
I star across to your pillow,
Where once you would have laid.

Why did I fall in love so hard?
I'm all bruised after the fall.
I can cry in pain...
But who will hear me weep?

Silence

Do you ever feel that you are living with your thoughts, your memories, your broken dreams... and you're like what the fuck is up with that? When all you wanna do is move on, yet you seem stuck in this rut.. cos the person you want is not the person you can ever have.
Just like a dog in the haystack.

They say they saw you with her, I should be happy.. that your moving on.
They say she was seated close to you... how could you?

They say all this happened on a Monday.
When you were supposed to make a decision and speak to me.

Guess I know now why you weer so busy.

It's alright. You were the best thing I never had.

Im soo tired today... well i've been tired since last few days.... everything is just too much trauma to deal with. I just wanna sleep for a month and wake up when everything is alright.

Memories pass by fleeting,
I've been here waiting,
Holding on to days gone by.
Love's flown so far,
Oh how the memories pass by fleeting
Your face a blur in the distance-
As the days go by.
I'm trying to take little steps-
To find myself again.
But the memories, so fleeting,
Make me cry.