Comings and Goings

The holiday was a good break away from the drama. Distance. Even though there is plenty already between them.

One moment, I feel like I'm better, and the next, I feel like I'm drowning. Every feeling comes back a thousand times worse.

What should she do, she wonders.

Daily reminder

It has been almost 2 months since I last spoke to you. Maybe longer since I saw your face. But it has been only seconds since I last thought of you. 

Days have turned into weeks... and now months. One would think that time has blurred the memories. Why hasn't it? Why is it that the first thought when I wake up is still... you? The last sigh before I drift off to sleep is because of you? The ache I feel, sometimes intense, sometimes dull... it's a reminder of you.

No promises were made, none asked, none given. Yet I feel broken. A little corner in the back of my soul, missing. Lost. Lonely. 

I go about my days in a state of waiting. Waiting for time to pass or waiting for the waves of sadness to leave me. Hoping fervently that today I won't catch myself muffling my silent screams in my pillow or turning away so no one sees the tears suddenly slip down my cheeks.

Maybe it was all a dream that felt too real. Too good to be true. 

Maybe all I am missing is you.

Fire n Water

 🔥

Everything changed, and everything remains the same.

So strange, to feel... everything. Yet want nothing? To want everything and to feel nothing.

I think... I know you; like the tune of an unsung song, which I can't forget. 

I thought I wanted you, but I guess I need you, now.

Surely, distance breeds distance between souls?

Surely, different lives will help us forget?

Should we fight to forget, or fight to stay? Maybe in the end there will be no choice.

Different lives, dreaming of a fantasy.

Funny. 

I thought I had felt it all and then you come along.

It's not love.

I just hate you, generally.

Hello's and Goodbyes

 I know what's good for me. I know what I need to be doing. Yet why is it always so difficult to do what needs to be done, even when it concerns the well-being of self?

I think letting go of the feeling of having someone want me is what truly scares me. I am trying to figure my thoughts out.

It is so true that some hellos are better said in passing. 

Love-her

Do married couples go through confused phases? Do they wonder where the sparks went? What doused the fire? The extinguished embers? 

Sitting here on a random Wednesday, I recall details of encounters, secret kisses, and touches that created fire. I am thinking of sweat, musk, sighs, and touches. Rumpled bed sheets and pillows askew, a lukewarm vodka coke sits forgotten on the bedside table. Possessive fingers roam free. Tongues taste sweat. And for a hot couple of hours, reality has been forgotten. 

A body remembers forgotten feelings and begins to crave the intimacy of another. Why did I not realise that fires, once ignited, are hard to put out? Just a little bit of oxygen is enough to fan those embers. 

We are such weak creatures. We have been humbled.

2024 - It has been many years..

 Today, I spoke to someone I used to be obsessed with. Reading back on all the posts on this forum made me remember how crazy I was—crazy about him, crazy in life, crazy in every sense. I mean, I still am sort of crazy, but I had forgotten my past in a sense. 

Swept it under layers of years, experiences, alcohol and drugs. 

I reached out to Coo because I am faced with a dilemma in my life. Interestingly, I am now 7+ years married and living outside Sri Lanka. I live a very comfortable life. Remember how I used to cry and pray for a peaceful life? Well, God certainly gave me a lot of peace. There is so much peace that I am bored to tears. There's no satisfying us humans, is there? We are such fickle, irrational, unrealistic, illogical beings.

In a sense, I recently fucked up. And it made me reflect on how I dated a married guy. It was a lifetime ago, but it happened. My thought process was so black and white then. One was either all in or all out. I was such a child. 

Now that I have experienced life and am a little more experienced, I realise it is not so simple. We humans have complicated desires—physical and mental—complicated wants and needs. And expecting one person to fulfill all those needs is a lot to ask. 

I now question myself, Gurllll, now that you have all the peace and comfort you asked for, why the fuck are you going and intentionally being delusional and creating drama? Am I trying to fuck shit up? Stir the pot? Shit where I eat kinda thing? 

Seriously. Somebody should have hit me hard in the head 10 years ago, maybe it might have knocked some sense into me.

Who knows, I might start journaling here again, I mean I already pay for professional help and that's clearly not really working is it? HAHA

10 years

Wow.

Has it been 10 years since I first posted on this platform?

Sadly, I seem to only hit the keyboard when my mood it getting me down. Bummer.

In reality though, apart from the many sad times, I have also had some amazing times as well. Moments of travel, laughter and happiness.

However, today as you can tell, I'm not feeling my best. The last few days have been a bummer. Either angry or sad. And then there's the mental fatigue of trying to be 'normal' so that the people around me don't get uncomfortable by seeing my moodiness. 

It sucks to have to hide one's emotions. But that is life. I'd say no one can handle the shit I feel on a daily basis. No one I know anyways.... so why bother trying to make anyone understand or seeking anyones help. 

Shoutout to all the extroverts out there living their best life - oblivious to the shit going on in us introverts heads.

I'd like to thinkI have my head together most times. but yeah, that's always not the case.

Anyways, 10 years. Still a loner, still trying, still wishing i was dead. Still doing nothing. Still living for everyone else. Still pushing on.

10 years.

Feels like a lifetime in my head.

Ugh! March

So, March

The month that depresses me more than any other time of the year.

The month that highlights all my failings, shortcomings and basically brings to the forefront every aspect that I lack in my life.

Sadly, for a loner like me, that is a lot.

Friendships, companionships, goals and achievements fall way below par on reflection.
And wish that I may aspire to change... many of these things are far from my grasp.

March is the month where I fervently wish that I had not been born.
I wish that it was not my birth month - for I fail to see what there is to celebrate.

In 34 years, my wish to have never been born has not changed.
I don't think it ever will.
And,
No matter however much I might dream to never wake up tomorrow,
I can't fathom inflicting such hurt on my mother.
So life goes on.

Anther Day, another Year.

Stuck in a Rut

I am screaming in my head -

Screaming, shouting, fighting, 

With myself.

wondering why I choose to moderate, tolerate and reconcile with everyone and everything in my life.

I wish I could tell people how I really feel.

Tell them that: No I don't want to do something.

No, I don't want to talk.

No, I don't want to be nice.

No, I don't want to be polite or thoughtful or fucking considerate.

NO.

I wish I could tell people to take their wants and needs and go fuck off.

Because you know what?

I don't really care.

I don't. Really.

Do I?

I mean, maybe I pretend I do.

Maybe I'm just pretending to do things, be someone, who really, I am not. 

Because people don't understand me. Not the real me anyways.

So I wish... wish I could do and say all these crazy, unrealistic things... and be this unrealistic person... But I can't.

I can't break my parents expectations nor hurt those around me.

It is my burden to carry in this life, this feeling of being out of place, and out of time. 

Hiding within myself... dying this slow death of normalcy.

Feeling things I can't voice - screaming so loud yet no one can hear,

All these thoughts and emotions swirling and squeezing my heart dry. 

Oh what webs do we weave when we lie to deceive.... more so when we lie to ourselves about who we might be.

Trust

Many times in my previous posts have i mentioned the importance of 'trust'. How i wish they never broke it.

But you know what, he did beak that trust. And when i think about it now, in hindsight, it changed EVERYTHING. From me being the naive doting woman to me being the calculating manipulative, idgaf person i am today.

But I am tired. I am tired of trying to think one, two, three steps ahead. I am tired of playing mind games, guessing games and any other games i think are being dished out. 

I just wish people could be REAL. You know the straightforward, say-what-you-mean, do-what-you-say type of REAL.

Instead, all anyone does is break promises, use words like 'love' and 'sorry' like it's cheap change not worth a penny. One step forward and ten steps back...

And I'm tired.

Tired of the pretending.

I was born to be free. The wild thing doing what she pleased. 

But sometimes I lose sight of that girl - that girl who used to be me. The free spirit. 

She seems lost, as  usual; And a little fed-up. 

A little fed up of dreams that somewhere along the line have been forgotten.

Trust. 

A dangerous word. It can make or break a person. 

It broke me. And  I made remade my broken pieces to reflect the harshness of the world. 

Isn't that what we all do?

Random musings

People may think moving to another land, one where there is no one you know- is all fun and games.
But it is not. It's lonely and.. well, it's lonely.

Life is not as you expect it to be.

Not that it's bad. I  mean, life is good. It's interesting enough. But I miss my clique of friends. I'm an introverted person, but occasionally i like to let lose, and now i don't have my homies to let lose with.

I don't know... just sometimes i feel dissatisfied and almost wish I was elsewhere. Almost. Very rarely. But then i remind myself how blessed i am. And try not to be a bloody bitch about little things in life.

Today, i'm feeling a little down.
Maybe because it's 'Friday'. Maybe because it's Friday and I'm feeling a little lonely.

Well, one can't have everything in life can they....

Thoughts

So many thoughts are running through my head

I have wondered where things may lead

No happiness to be found

in two becoming one

Waiting for some thing good

to hold on to

But am finding none.

Help me understand

What is needed of me

To wear this veil 

I am troubled

Freedom will i not lose

Love, will I not gain

Looking for magic, still.

Leave

People always leave you know that. They do. It's been a while. I've been here, maybe waiting for things to change. But really, nothing really does. I don't know why I'm even alive. I find no joy when I'm living. Just getting thru one day at a time. Even with another person, I feel I just bring sadness. No joy. He hasn't even asked me to marry him . Says a lot u know. He s not sure. Neither Am I I guess . I wonder why I'm alive. Living. 

Sometimes, I still feel confused....

There are good days, and then there are bad days. Today, is a 'not so good' day.

I try so hard to keep a happy outlook. But sometimes, it gets pretty tough.
Sometimes, I find it hard to be happy. I find it hard to be appreciative of all the blessing in my life.

I think of all the things I wish I had; like a husband, kids, home- even something as random as owning a fridge! It's a feeling of something missing in my life.

If only it was possible to just go out there and get what I need; but I can't just do that can I? I can't just forget I have a boyfriend, forget all those promises... I should have some patience! Patience!

I feel as if I'm suffocating at times. Sometimes I feel like I'm flying. Then at other times, like I want to sob my heart out. I feel as if some people expect me to be a certain way. Why can't they accept me the way I am? So what if I have a tummy? Does that make me a bad person? No! I know I am  not outrageously beautiful. Yet people are so judgmental. Even my boyfriend at times, expects me to be someone I am not.

I am not sophisticated.
I am not rich.
And I do not have a toned stomach and 4-pack abs!

I am, quite simply, me.

Yet it feels like that's just not good enough.

I like to think that I'm receptive to advise and if someone says do some exercises to get fit, I will do so. But I don't like feeling like someone says that cos they are ashamed to see me flash my chubby tummy when I wear a crop top.

I have grown so much in the last couple of years. For a fact I feel the change. I wish people would appreciate that for a change.

It's moments like these that make me question the choices I've made.

Following Complications in Love and Life

Just when I feel like my life is maybe getting on track, something goes and happens to muddle with my brain. It makes me wonder if my life will always be this messed up.

Sometimes I scare myself. I wish I didn't feel the way I do when I'm in a relationship. Love messes with my head, messes with my heart and can cause me so much distress. It's like there's no happiness without that one person. The thing is, I don't mean to be needy. In fact I make an effort not to be. I still do my own thing, take care of myself, even go party on my own. But there's that hole in my soul when i'm not with that other person. I may go partying on my own, go watch a movie with my cuz, but that's just because he's unable to come with me.

In all honesty, I'd give anything for him to be with me. Be a part of what I do; be it shopping or whatever. Maybe I'm just tired of being on my own and doing things on my own. Maybe I need someone to be with me now. Share my life. Do things together. And trust me... I won't even want to party then. Cos i'll have everything I need, an not need to search for something to fill the void.

This may sound weird, but I am so ready to settle down. Be normal. Have a family... and be.. happy. I'm so ready for that. I deserve that. I do. I've waited long enough. Loved people hard enough. Sacrificed enough. Given up enough. Enough hurt right... Isn't it my turn for some happiness?

Who I'm with right now... I do love him like crazy. But sometimes I feel like I am not enough. He's much more older than me. He's traveled the world, lived years in another country, experienced so much more. And I am just.. simple old me; who's favourite meal is eating bread, butter and sugar sandwiches and who loves to sit quietly and watch the world pass by. I  haven't traveled overseas much and really haven't done anything that outstanding. So I do wonder, am I enough? Am I really enough for him? Will he sit with me on quiet evenings and tell me about his day? Will he come with me to do the grocery shopping? Will he never forget to kiss me good morning and good night. I love him, but is he right for me? Will he someday be my family? I don't really know.

These are the things that run through my mind. I don't doubt myself and I don't have low self-esteem. I just need to be loved for who I am. And to know that just me as I am is enough.

But leaving all that aside, I'm slowly learning to control my feelings. Control the feelings that usually drown me in depression. It's a slow process... but I am learning. Trust. It's all got to do with trust. I hope he never breaks it. If he does... it will be more damage that I can think of repairing again.

But whatever problems I have in my life, I am happy most times. I am blessed so very much. God is good and forgiving: More than I deserve.

It's just quite simple really: Love and Life will always be complicated. But when I am with him - I am Home.

Dreams

Dreams you dream
Rarely come real
Moments you hope
Barely materialise.
People you love
Seemingly leave
Wishes on stars
Broken dreams will leave.

Dreams you dream
Rarely come real

Happiness

When everything is right with us I'm happy. I'm happy with the world. Everything's ok. I can bear any burden and face any problem cos I know that I've got you. And you mean the world to me and in you I can find my happiness.

But if i am sad. It's because something between us has made me so. If I miss you and you don't miss me back it makes me sad. If I put up a status for you and you don't even like it; that makes me sad.  Because it's for you. Because you are that important to me. I am not perfect.  Far far from it. But my world is a gloomy depressing place if my happiness in you is gone.

It's a scary feeling. To care for someone that much.  To feel that much. To have your happiness depend on them that much. It's a scary feeling to not know if they even feel the same way....

I'm sorry. I am who I am. What ever I feel I feel with an intensity I cannot lessen. If only, for a moment you could understand... If only you could...

It is how it is

The problem with me is that I will forgive. I will forgive you even when you forget me. I will forgive you even when you hurt me. And i will still forgive you even if you leave.

Why?

Simply because it is who I am and for what I feel. Simply because the heart is a traitor to the mind and she knows no other way.

It is not easy being me. It is so hard to pretend to be normal when everything was so broken before.

So remember... I will forgive you. But it costs me so much more than you'll know. So just...  Don't forget me. Don't change.

Hope for More

She ponders on life and the feeling of hope.
Sometimes hope is a scary thing.
Hope that can bring happiness
Or hope that can break your heart.
Sometimes, she even feels it.
She feels it bloom in her ♥ swelling it with happiness.
Could she really have hope?
Could this be real?

But hope, hope is such a scary emotion.
It represents all that can go wrong and
All that can break your heart and hurt you.
And she covers up that hope.
No.  Hurt is not something she wants to feel with him. 
And hope brings with it the risk of hurt.
How can one ever be sure...
How can she?
Mashed hearts are hard to fix they say.
Maybe hope can help.
Maybe.

You don't have to wonder if someone loves You