Close Friends

 All G. 

Close friends it is. 

That's what he said. 

It's decided. It's done. It's over; wait, it never began. Who am I kidding?

Hello's and Goodbyes

 I know what's good for me. I know what I need to be doing. Yet why is it always so difficult to do what needs to be done, even when it concerns the well-being of self?

I think letting go of the feeling of having someone want me is what truly scares me. I am trying to figure my thoughts out. I think what he says half the time is not really real, and doubt seeps into my mind. 

Don't come to visit. Don't make the subsequent goodbyes harder. Don't make me want what I should not have.

It is so true that some hellos are better said in passing. I should not have said hello. 

I really should not have said... Hello.

Love-her

Do married couples go through confused phases? Do they wonder where the sparks went? What doused the fire? The extinguished embers? 

Sitting here on a random Wednesday, I recall details of encounters, secret kisses, and touches that created fire. I am thinking of sweat, musk, sighs, and touches. Rumpled bed sheets and pillows askew, a lukewarm vodka coke sits forgotten on the bedside table. Possessive fingers roam free. Tongues taste sweat. And for a hot couple of hours, reality has been forgotten. 

A body remembers forgotten feelings and begins to crave the intimacy of another. Why did I not realise that fires, once ignited, are hard to put out? Just a little bit of oxygen is enough to fan those embers. 

We are such weak creatures. We have been humbled.

2024 - It has been many years..

 Today, I spoke to someone I used to be obsessed with. Reading back on all the posts on this forum made me remember how crazy I was—crazy about him, crazy in life, crazy in every sense. I mean, I still am sort of crazy, but I had forgotten my past in a sense. 

Swept it under layers of years, experiences, alcohol and drugs. 

I reached out to Coo because I am faced with a dilemma in my life. Interestingly, I am now 7+ years married and living outside Sri Lanka. I live a very comfortable life. Remember how I used to cry and pray for a peaceful life? Well, God certainly gave me a lot of peace. There is so much peace that I am bored to tears. There's no satisfying us humans, is there? We are such fickle, irrational, unrealistic, illogical beings.

In a sense, I recently fucked up. And it made me reflect on how I dated a married guy. It was a lifetime ago, but it happened. My thought process was so black and white then. One was either all in or all out. I was such a child. 

Now that I have experienced life and am a little more experienced, I realise it is not so simple. We humans have complicated desires—physical and mental—complicated wants and needs. And expecting one person to fulfil all those needs is a lot to ask. 

I now question myself, Gurllll, now that you have all the peace and comfort you asked for, why the fuck are you going and intentionally being delusional and creating drama? Am I trying to fuck shit up? Stir the pot? Shit where I eat kinda thing? 

Seriously. Somebody should have hit me hard in the head 10 years ago, maybe it might have knocked some sense into me.

Who knows, I might start journaling here again, I mean I already pay for professional help and that's clearly not really working is it? HAHA

10 years

Wow.

Has it been 10 years since I first posted on this platform?

Sadly, I seem to only hit the keyboard when my mood it getting me down. Bummer.

In reality though, apart from the many sad times, I have also had some amazing times as well. Moments of travel, laughter and happiness.

However, today as you can tell, I'm not feeling my best. The last few days have been a bummer. Either angry or sad. And then there's the mental fatigue of trying to be 'normal' so that the people around me don't get uncomfortable by seeing my moodiness. 

It sucks to have to hide one's emotions. But that is life. I'd say no one can handle the shit I feel on a daily basis. No one I know anyways.... so why bother trying to make anyone understand or seeking anyones help. 

Shoutout to all the extroverts out there living their best life - oblivious to the shit going on in us introverts heads.

I'd like to thinkI have my head together most times. but yeah, that's always not the case.

Anyways, 10 years. Still a loner, still trying, still wishing i was dead. Still doing nothing. Still living for everyone else. Still pushing on.

10 years.

Feels like a lifetime in my head.

Ugh! March

So, March

The month that depresses me more than any other time of the year.

The month that highlights all my failings, shortcomings and basically brings to the forefront every aspect that I lack in my life.

Sadly, for a loner like me, that is a lot.

Friendships, companionships, goals and achievements fall way below par on reflection.
And wish that I may aspire to change... many of these things are far from my grasp.

March is the month where I fervently wish that I had not been born.
I wish that is was not my birth month - for I fail to see what there is to celebrate.

In 34 years, my wish to have never been born has not changed.
I don't think it ever will.
And,
No matter however much I might dream to never wake up tomorrow,
I can't fathom inflicting such hurt on my mother.
So life goes on.

Anther Day, another Year.

Stuck in a Rut

I am screaming in my head -

Screaming, shouting, fighting, 

With myself.

wondering why I choose to moderate, tolerate and reconcile with everyone and everything in my life.

I wish I could tell people how I really feel.

Tell them that: No I don't want to do something.

No, I don't want to talk.

No, I don't want to be nice.

No, I don't want to be polite or thoughtful or fucking considerate.

NO.

I wish I could tell people to take their wants and needs and go fuck off.

Because you know what?

I don't really care.

I don't. Really.

Do I?

I mean, maybe I pretend I do.

Maybe I'm just pretending to do things, be someone, who really, I am not. 

Because people don't understand me. Not the real me anyways.

So I wish... wish I could do and say all these crazy, unrealistic things... and be this unrealistic person... But I can't.

I can't break my parents expectations nor hurt those around me.

It is my burden to carry in this life, this feeling of being out of place, and out of time. 

Hiding within myself... dying this slow death of normalcy.

Feeling things I can't voice - screaming so loud yet no one can hear,

All these thoughts and emotions swirling and squeezing my heart dry. 

Oh what webs do we weave when we lie to deceive.... more so when we lie to ourselves about who we might be.